21/12/2024
Dismissal leads to distrust.
"In order to empathize with someone's experience, you must be willing to believe them as they see it, and not how you imagine their experience to be."
-Brenรฉ Brown
I have so many thoughts surrounding the truth in this statement.
My mom used to tell me that if someone made you aware that you had hurt their feelings, you don't get to decide whether or not it's true. It's your job to acknowledge and apologize.
Going forward, you can decide whether or not you want to associate with that person, depending on if they're constantly filing grievances or finding ways to be the victim.
But dictating whether or not their experience was valid, wasn't in your power.
This has shaped my perspective and the way I care for not just the people around me, but also the magnificent creatures that make my livelihood possible.
When it comes to horses, many people (myself included at one point), make the mistake of essentially telling their horses they're stupid for feeling the way that they do.
How many times have you witnessed a horse spook at something, only for a rider to heavily chastise the horse for his reaction, as if the horse misbehaved to spite the rider?
This scenario is one that I particularly think about quite a bit, because when I began applying the principle noted at the beginning of this post, my horses confidence and progress changed dramatically.
One day, as a young trainer, I was working with a difficult horse who kept spooking at one spot along the arena wall. I was already a bit irritated, based on my past experiences with this horse, and well-primed to dismiss her feelings that day because, clearly, she was a nut.
So, we get going, she spooks. I get after her, we continue on, she spooks again, I get after her even harder. We get back to the same spot in the arena, and shocker, she spooks yet again, even more dramatically than the first two times... where I *clearly* had told her that she was being ridiculous for being scared, and should be more afraid of my correction, than anything that might be happening behind that wall.
And it was at that moment that I had this small window of clarity. If my "training" is making the situation worse, what is really happening here?
I started to feel incredibly guilty. This isn't the philosophy I believed in. Had I watched anyone else do the same thing, I would've judged them. But my pride and "logic" got in the way of seeing the world through my horse's eyes and holding her hand through the scary parts.
We want to project our experiences onto others. "If I'm not scared of it, you shouldn't be either."
"the logical response is..."
"I can see from my vantage point that your perspective is skewed, so instead of gently bringing you to my level, I'm going to make you feel bad for the lens with which you currently view this situation."
Imagine you were at a crosswalk with your child. As you begin to walk across the street, a car approaches. Your child looks up at you and frantically says "Mommy, look, that car is going to hit us! " However, it's clear from your view and experience that the car is slowing down and will stop for you to cross safely.
What would your response be to your child?
A. Slap them and tell them to stop being stupid. Cars stop at cross walks. That's how the world works, and they need to shut up and learn instead of talking so much.
B. Hold their hand, look them in the eye, smile and reassure them that they're okay. We'll be okay. The car will stop for us to cross safely because they see us and that's the law.
None of us in our right mind chose option A. The cruelty is obvious. We know the damage to their confidence that would cause a child going forward....
Yet we do that to our horses?
Horses don't behave badly to spite anyone.
There are 3 main reasons horses do the "bad" things that they do; confusion, pain or insecurity.
Within my decades of experience with horses, every single unwanted behavior stemmed from one of those causes. So every day as a trainer, my goal is to give my horses the opposite.
I want to constantly give clarity, comfort, and security.
And when I say comfort, I don't mean a lack of work. Horses need hard work. What I mean is well fitted saddles, bits that are suited to each horse as well as vet evaluations or chiropractor visits if I notice something seems off. Etc, etc.
Saying all this, there are a lot of people who are applying poor "gentle parenting" tactics with their horses, and actually making the horse's fears worse by spending TOO much time acknowledging and focusing on the things their horses are afraid of.
Everything requires balance. Don't dismiss, but don't hyper fixate.
Building confidence is paramount in my program. There's probably not a singular thing I talk about more, because it affects literally EVERYTHING about the way a horse functions and handles the world.
Going back to what my mom told me though, I want to add that there are some horses who are way more flighty natured than others, and you're not going to completely change the way they're instinctively wired, no matter how great you are.
So, do your best, but also know what you're willing to handle or put up with. Not every horse is the right fit for every rider.
Assume the best, have compassion, offer strength.
You can't go wrong there.
