27/08/2022
I’m not posting this for sympathy, I’m sharing this because this page is about more than just riding a bike…so, Buckle down, it’s a long one ….
I am generally a very private person. Being in the social media like this,is not me.….
Sharing with strangers my inner most fears, struggles,hurdles and moments, is not me…..
Being agitated, angry, irritated, tired, overwhelmed, stressed, vague, confused, foggy and blurry eyed, is what I’ve become.
This is the ‘me’ I battle with every day.
To see the humour in my kids’ play, the innocence in their words and gestures, remaining patient when they are acting their age…..these are parts of me that are lost and I struggle to find everyday.
I thought I was doing better, I thought I was healing. Could a person really recover from PTSD and be rid of the symptoms, the diagnosis and the label? Surely it is possible, I’m on my way there……then….with no words to describe it, I’m brought back to my reality. I’m not doing aswell as I thought and who is the best person to see this, who is always on the outside looking in….my kids… with their pure hearts and blatant truths.
Today, I thought we had had a good day. I’d managed to stay calm in the shopping centre, the kids had been awesome.
But then bedtime rolls around and …….my Mr7 says: ‘do you wish you never had us?’
I replied: ‘no never, why would you ask that?’
He said ‘I don’t know, your just always angry’
And just like that, the true reality of how I’m affected, hits me