24/12/2023
'Twas the Night Before Christmas on the 'Pearl
C 2018-2024 Jack Smithy
Twas the night before Christmas and all 'cross my ship
I could find no more rum, not even a nip
The crew were all nestled in hammocks and mats
and dreamed, whilst their rations were eaten by rats.
And Molly and I had retired to bunk,
dreading the Yule we'd be facing not-drunk.
When out on the port side arose such commotion
We sprang from the bed to look out at the ocean.
The waves rippling light from the moon to the south made me nauseous and throw up a bit in my mouth.
Then what to our wondering eyes did appear but a fat little git and ten tiny reindeer.
And though I was sober, and sleepy, and sick I could still recognize him, that bastard, St. Nick
They shot past the topsails, they moved very fast.
They pelted us with reindeer dung as they passed.
Then he called out their names as in circles they flew
"Take your time!" ,I yelled, "We've nothing better to do!"
"Now Dasher, Dancer, Percy, Prancer and V***n"
"On Comet, Cupid, Wallace, Donner and Blitzen"
"from the aft of the ship to the tip of the prow"
"all dash away dash away dash away now!"
And once it was over, this speech of St. Nick's, he crashed on my main deck, like a sack full of bricks
He was covered in dirt from his head to his knees
His whiskers were matted. He smelled like old cheese.
But as I looked on it began to sink in
If anyone was carrying rum, it was him.
He brushed off his beard and picked out some lice
then asked us 'so... have you been naughty or nice?'
and I have to admit that this made me squirm
"Mate, Naughty-" I said "is a relative term"
"Compared with a saint, we've been bad, truth be told;
But compared with most pirates we're better than gold"
He smiled back at us with self-satisfied cheer
"Not good enough, Jack. No presents this year."
On the side of his nose, his finger he laid
and flew straight up- into the net we had made.
He shook when he landed, old tubby St Nick I said "Sorry mate, but I know 'bout that trick"
"Your dealing with pirates now, not tiny tots.
"You ARE giving us presents, and giving us lots."
"So we're taking your toys, which we can resell,
and we're keeping your cash and some reindeer as well!"
"But because it is Christmas, we'll show you some mercy.
We'll leave you with eight and take Wallace and Percy"
"And since we shall dine on this deer meat we've found
we'll be needing your rum, to help wash it down"
"You know" said old Santa "I've just changed my mind"
"You and your pirates are really quite kind"
"And Handsome!" I warned. He said "Yes I agree.
Just take what you want and please let me be"
So I pulled out my pistol from the side of my hip
and said "Thank you kindly. Now get off my ship"
And he fled through the sky faster than he had come.
Merry Christmas to all and to all some good rum!
