Claire the Humanist

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Claire the Humanist

Authorised by Humanist Society Scotland to conduct legal weddings in Scotland. Yaaaaaaaaas! For further info, either visit clairethehumanist.com or message me.
(60)

I'm a Registered Celebrant, authorised to conduct legal weddings in Scotland, and also available for naming ceremonies and funerals (local to Dumbarton only). Cheers!

30/07/2024

You know what I enjoy even more than Optimum Ni**le Number facts (spoilers: we humans could do better)?

🚨🚨🚨 SCOTTISH WEDDING STATISTIC DAY 🚨🚨🚨

National Records of Scotland have released their Vital Reference Tables for 2023. Y'all ready for some facts? Before you too are blown away by impenetrable numbers, please bear in mind that 2020 wasn't a real year and, to be honest, 2021/22 were exceptionally wild in Weddingland so I'm peering into my reverso-crystal ball and 2019 looks a safe bet for like for like comparisons.

🙋‍♀️ There were 26753 marriages in Scotland last year. That's 3280 fewer than 2022. See? Told you it wasn't quite right. Slightly more than 2019 tho.
🙋‍♀️ Humanist Society Scotland continues to be the most trusted provider of Belief Marrages in Scotland, our celebrants conducting 13.86% of all the weddings. That's nice, isn't it? Extra party bag for us!
🙋‍♀️ There were 1459 Church of Scotland weddings and 723 RC weddings. To put that into perspective, when my parents got married in 1973, there were 18,307 CoS and 6603 RC weddings. A continuing downward trend for both.
🙋‍♀️ More women got married last year than men. Again.
🙋‍♀️ There was one irregular marriage in 2023 Last time that happened was 2010. A Regular Marriage is one where you submit paperwork to the Registrar. An Irregular Marriage is (nowadays anyway) to prove existence of a marriage-like relationship, usually for inheritance, DWP, maintenance money, that sort of thing. Interestingly it can be raised by one of the parties involved, their children or anyone else with an interest and can happen even after either or both parties have died. STATNERD ALERT!
🙋‍♀️ Gretna continues to astound and amaze. 15% of all weddings in Scotland take place in Gretna. That's one in six. Absolute madness.
🙋‍♀️ The mean age of people entering into marriage has increased again. If this is your first wedding, you're probably around 35 if you're a fella, 34 if you're a gal.
🙋‍♀️ 55% of people entering into a mixed-s*x Civil Partnership are over 55. I wonder if there's a box for 'Sorting out the Pension'.

Ref: https://www.nrscotland.gov.uk/statistics-and-data/statistics

28/07/2024

Czech this out! We went to Prague and guess what? It was ACE! Very warm for people who like to walk all the kilometres every day, usually behind their husband and child. OK....so technically there was a little too much uphill BUT we didn't die, the beer was good and cheap and the fried cheese was plentiful. All in all, an extra fun week.

Hugely enjoyed the architecture especially the Soviet era stuff- that period of history wasn't great but the light fittings were extraordinary. (See also: Sedlec Ossuary and its bone chandelier☠️🕯️☠️).

The nightly game of 'what's this snack all about?' was a jolly roulette with only winners. Flora chose houmous crisps cos I like houmous. They weren't houmous. They were mustard. They were also, once you got over the fiery shock, delicious. I told Gary and, quick as a flash, he fired back 'Claire the Houmouscrisp' and I'm still not over it. Genius.

Not going to lie, most of my photos were of things I needed to translate but here's a selection of things I deemed important.

If you need a description:

🇨🇿 A bin that looks like a face.
🇨🇿 Chocolate with squidgy coffee inners.
🇨🇿 Coypu/Nutria thing bobbing around with Big Rat Energy.
🇨🇿 Aforementioned mustard crisps.
🇨🇿 Where I parked my car.
🇨🇿 Up a hill looking at the city. Take my word for it, I'm sweating heavily whilst taking this pic.
🇨🇿 A sign for a baked good of indeterminate nature.
🇨🇿 Stone fool impaled by pyramid. In a**s.
🇨🇿 Standard holiday view.
🇨🇿 Big W***y guards the toilet paper with a cheeky smile and big ideas.

27/07/2024

Holiday mode is still activated but thought I'd take a minute to whack the TEN YEARS of being able to conduct legal weddings gong. Imagine that! You don't need to, here's the proof. Legit.

Right, I'm off to continue to complain about being too hot, drink litres of pilsner and admire extremely retro food packaging. Points if you can guess where I am...

03/07/2024

Hurrah! The dirty tech goblins have finally been banished to the dark web and I exist on the internet once more.

Emails also working BUT any that were sent after the end of last week appear to have been sacrificed. Please resend and I'm just as annoyed about it as you are.

Away to write a strongly worded letter to TSOHosting and/or Elon Musk cos he's bound to have something to do with it.

22/06/2024

Stefania and Graeme have been married a whole week already which is mad.

Aren't they cute?!* Their wedding was equally cute and soundtracked with excellent music thanks to , lovely chat from the team at and a chance to catch up with the person I've seen more than my own child this month, .

In other news, that's me on holiday until August.

Yep. I did it again. I'm taking the summer off and in doing so, I'm sparing you the constant whine of a middle aged sweaty woman complaining about ridiculous traffic, being TOO DAMN HOT, wasps, tourists, lack of parking, heightened expectations Vs Scottish weather etc etc. You're welcome.

Not dropping off the planet altogether but might take a little longer to answer emails. Free for cake any time.

*I forgot to ask who made their excellent cake topper but if it was you, tell me so I can tell everyone else cos look at that beaut!

14/06/2024

Andy and Theresa and someone who needed their damn fringe cut.

When Theresa leaves the pub, she has to thank everyone for coming and check they had a good night. She'll chat to the staff, the other customers, the drunk little man in the corner with an odd smell about him. It takes at least an extra half hour and for all I know, she's still doing the rounds at The Torrance in East Kilbride after marrying Andy least Saturday.

You know Andy, he's the guy who works in entertainment. Or at least what's what his pal told Theresa's pal and it was enough to make Theresa think he was worth going out with.
Turns out, entertainment is a large lasso that encompasses acting, singing and scraping the chewing gum aff the puggies in Largs.

Good people, fab wedding ❤️

Excellent chat from and

07/06/2024

Happy Swiftmas, Scottish people! Some BTS from the Fife leg of her tour featuring H-Dazzle, Cat Lady and some lassie who's Harper, free, confused and lonely at the same time 🫶

And me. Demonstrating the T-squat familiar to tall girls everywhere.

You going to Murrayfield this weekend? Excited much?!

05/06/2024

Stephanie and Andrew got married on Monday. Go Team Squimpy!

Andrew was (rightly) emotional when Stephanie appeared and then she told him to get his s**t together and he did for about two minutes and then he didn't again.

It's amazing how close the surface your emotions are on your wedding day. It's the same person you've seen every day for years and here they are again and it's a whole different snottery situation. Do you know why? Cos getting married is a big deal and sometimes, that realisation sucker punches you at the first blaw of the bagpipes and there's nothing you can do about it. Just go with it. Bring a hankie. Bring several cos I'm probably going to make it worse ❤️

Lovely to work with and the team at and hurrah for the Starbucks at Abington Services. Whoop!

31/05/2024

HuMayNist Love to do a ceremony for...

I love marrying people who are as excited about their ceremony as I am. If you reckon it's the boring bit to get out the way, that's fine but it's not for me. Save your money. But, if you're ABSOLUTELY BUZZIN' about the getting married part, if you can't wait to celebrate you and your relationship and if you want to marry the best way possible, give me a shout. I'm almost definitely available. (unless it's July cos I'm off).

Pics for this prompt are nuts, aren't they? I won't use AI for writing. It's lazy and weird and the opposite of what a humanist ceremony is supposed to be. I WILL 100% use AI to draw pictures though because they are always remarkably lifelike and all trees have horns so what?

Image 2 is what you get when you put Claire the Humanist into AI. I feel exposed.

30/05/2024

HuMayNist #30 Fave Symbolic Gesture

I may have mentioned this before but I don't really care for symbolic gestures. Watch as the aghast horror shockwaves knock nobody off their feet.

If, however, you include things with intent and purpose, that's cool. I like that (not that it's anything to do with me but it is so hurrah). Sounds good. If it's just cos someone else said you had to ✖️Family Fortune buzzer✖️. In the bin you go, bad idea.

Also, I can't be trusted with a handfast in a confined space. Just ask Dani & Allan as I in and out the dusty bluebelled my way through (yep, THROUGH) their handfast. caught this excellent pic inbetween giggling delightfully at my misplacement.

27/05/2024

HuMayNist #27 Me at Work

Working hard or just annoying ?

Scott (that's him wishing he wasn't in this photo) and Nicola were the first of a brace of climbing couples I married last week. Theirs was the only ceremony I said 'It sounds painful, like you’ve gronked your ball nut in your American Death Triangle' though. Bet they're pleased about THAT.

26/05/2024

HuMayNist #26 Anything goes

This shiny happy tapguy made me smile. He got a shout out at the end of Lewis and Eilidh's smashing wedding yesterday, unfortunately at the expense of telling people there were drinks awaiting them *over there*. I think they found them.

Then I got a hug off an older gentleman that was not my husband. He was very impressed by my humourist work, very entertaining, well done, keep it up, young lady.

I'll take that.

18/05/2024

HuMayNist #18 Dream Collab

Inverness 1981? Show your kids what Cold War playgrounds used to look like. No soft bark to fall in, no sensory jolliness, no clues as to how fun happens. Just a bench for weary parents (absent) and a climbing frame to nowhere.

I don't even need to tell you who is in this pic cos we're labelled. Didn't stop Mother Digance referring to us collectively as, 'Clemma'. Occasionally the dug got involved too- 'Clemastra' which is quite a nice name for an extra labial appendage or whatever.

Anyway, happy birthday ! Here's to some more sisterly collaborations but not this weekend cos it's your birthday and I've got two days off.

14/05/2024

HuMayNist #14 Motivation

First and foremost, my biggest motivation are the couples and families I work with. You've put your faith in me to deliver something awesome. So my first motivation is fear.... I mean you and your beautiful smiley faces 🫶.

Sometimes though, there's just a lot of Life going on in the background and, specifically for writing, that's where my secondary motivation kicks in: deadlines. Weddings and funerals are very deadline specific. Can't get an extension on a wedding or a funeral. No-one is ever going to say, 'ach, just leave it to next week. Enjoy your weekend!' There's a date and there's a time and you cannot turn up and wing it (and be wary of anyone who says they can) so STOP FANNYING AROUND ON DUOLINGO AND JUST GET ON WITH IT.

13/05/2024

HuMayNist #13 How do I learn?

I have to do something to learn how to do it. I think it's called experiential learning. It's time consuming but ultimately, practise makes perfect.

That said, there are many things I instinctively know I would be good at without any training whatsoever: drumming, tableside Crêpe Suzette preparation, running a brothel, weaving, driving a ferry (sailing?), semaphore to name but a few.

I choose not to try any of these things and thus remain unburst in my Bubble of Confidence ™️

I do acknowledge that some people have learnt how to do things better than me and will happily pay for that expert knowledge. Give man money, get car back clean and tidy and smelling of grapefruit.

12/05/2024

HuMayNist #12 Tools of the Trade

I meet all my couples on Zoom (or another e-chattery alternative).

It's something I wrestle with periodically; should I go back to meeting in person? Am I short changing people? Am I providing value?

And then I remember how much of my life I got back when Zoom meetings became the norm.

Pre-2020, I was out every Sat/Sun morning, post weddings and every weeknight, usually from 6-10pm, driving all over the west coast to talk to couples about why they should book me or how your ceremony might look. Yep, it was lovely to see you in your own environment, admire your lovely houses, meet your mad dugs/weans/mothers/entire family all in one go but I was knackered. I'd get home and still have to find the energy to write four million words. Also, when your kid's at school and your husband is an office hours slave to The Man, not being present in the evening and working every weekend SUCKS. I like hanging out with 'em. I missed them.

Now, I can meet more couples, more efficiently and I don't need to leave the house and you don't need to get a dog sitter to meet me halfways or draft in a grandparent to put the baby to bed. You can eat your tea at a reasonable time, get to fives, put your jammies on, grab a cup of tea and we'll have a lovely time regardless AND we'll all be able to watch Taskmaster with our respective squads.

I strive for balance in my ceremonies and I'm slightly embarrassed it took me so long to achieve the same balance in my actual life and for that, I thank the Zoom gods for all their blessings ❤️

11/05/2024

HuMayNist #11 Best advice received?

I don't really take advice very well. I can just about face constructive feedback but the 'you know what you should do?' style of advice triggers a listening to Charlie Brown's teacher response in me.

That said, 'always know where yesterday's pants are' avoids embarrassment in Morrisons.

09/05/2024

HuMayNist #9 Why am I a Humanist?

Because I am. I'm an atheist and a Humanist and it suits me pretty well.

Most people are good people, aren't they? We help without expectation of reward, we fight for strangers to have respect and dignity and collectively, we look to create a better existence for our families, communities and people we share the planet with. That's my vibe. Mibbes it's yours too.

Humanists in Berlin. Who knew? ☝️Me! I knew! We're everywhere!

Humanist Society Scotland Ceremonies

08/05/2024

HuMayNist #8 Which Ceremony Types?

I'll marry you, bury you (if you're local) and call your weans names (but not between 12-3 on a Saturday).

I'll also poke my head into your VW campervan and ruin the only five minutes peace you get on your wedding day cos I don't get hints and I am oblivious to deathstares.

Sorry Sarah & Gareth ❤️

07/05/2024

This is getting ridiculous. Will somebody PLEASE ask the team at Scottish Wild Picnics to bring me all my food every day please and thank you very much?

07/05/2024

A very happy day on Loch Lomond for Allyson & Allan. Superstars, the lot of them (including mad Suzanne, photographer and boat clamberer!)

06/05/2024

HuMayNist #6 Funeral Music

It won't be anything off the 'throw a dart at some words' daily playlists, Spotify. Does anyone else get odd titles? Sensual Eighties Wednesday was a particular highlight for me AND the Precious Child.

Typically, a funeral needs three pieces of music: your grand entrance, the reflection/committal and your closing credits.

Mine? I change my mind every time Absolute 90s plays another song but mibbes:

▪️Fake Plastic Trees/Radiohead (and you'll sit through the whole bloody thing) OR No Diggity/Blackstreet (but you can cut out the bit at the end that never gets played on the radio)
▪️This Woman's Work/Kate Bush OR There's a Horse in the Hospital sketch/John Mulaney.
▪️Law & Order theme tune (specifically SVU) OR Connection/Elastica. Both bangers.
Or maybe just outtakes from The Office (US). That would work, right?

Toying with the idea of making you all sing the Theme from Cheers instead of a hymn. Might do that. Bet it sounds terrific on the organ 🍻

Your turn. What's your funeral music gonna be?

05/05/2024

HuMayNist #5 Ceremony in detail...

My favourite recent old man post-ceremony interaction was 'Aye, that was really good *insert long winded sermon about how he could do my job* and anyway, I bet you just AI it'.

Your monologue would suggest otherwise and I bet I fu***ng don't.

AI has its place but when it comes to creative writing I'm in the biggest tent in the 'if you can't be bothered writing it, I can't be bothered reading it' camp.

I'm pretty good at storytelling. Not in real life where I am unprepared and unscripted so I forget the point, drift off course, remember far too late that the punchline to this story isn't appropriate for my daughter's Guide leaders haha and I require immediate extraction hahahelp.

I am good at crafting ceremonies though. I like writing words with purpose. I like creating something dynamic and forceful and quiet and sweet. I love jumping aboard your delicate thoughtful courtships and hoisting my filthy flag. No chance I'm letting AI poke about in there with its oddly-numbered fingers (although the previous sentence might suggest otherwise).

I'm so keen on writing I read books about writing. What in the name of Moth is that all about? (Answer: improving my practice, being better, inspiration, I love books, who doesn't love books? Books are the best. More books please. But not biographies by Tories, life advice from anyone under twenty five and anything by Brooklyn Beckham can just go straight in the bin)

04/05/2024

HuMayNist #4 What's in bag?

Always makes me think Eldorado, that question. WHAT'S IN THE BAG. BOOOOOOONAAAAY??! I'm confident this is a reference only my sister will understand.

My work bag contains my folder, my shoes, a fountain pen and a selection of old tissues, sweetie wrappers and things that might come in handy at some point maybe one day.

This isn't my work bag. Impromptu stay with my parents who are back from a psychologically challenging holiday to Japan which started in Dubai on the day Dubai disappeared under water 👀👀👀

Their luggage stood no chance. Ask me when they got it back. Go on. Ask me.

The day they came home.

03/05/2024

HuMayNist #3 Favourite part...

▪️ Role: Miss Trunchbull
▪️ Bit of body: my lovely big man hands
▪️ Way to leave: loudly announcing departure
▪️ Hair: left like Superman (not right like that loser, Clark Kent)
▪️ Constituent of harmony: ill timed but s*xy percussion bashing
▪️ Measure: 3-2-1 tequila, Cointreau, lime juice
▪️ Of The Godfather trilogy: Two. No arguments with that unless you're a psychopath
▪️ Unspecified region: over there

▪️ Of Freya and Euan's tiny lochside wedding? The intentional importance of place, the company of familiar and loved faces, the yellow dress, their soft hearts, their utterly authentic vows and a bag-based proposal story almost identical to Emma & Rob's (whom I also married and happy anniversary to them for tomorrow ❤️).

I was welcomed like an old friend and treated to a gentle squeeze from Freya's dad when he quietly thanked me for marrying all his babies.

Which he then completely ruined by adding, '...that I know of'.

Half Light Photography love a crouch, don't they? They're a good part of this wedding too.

Humanist Society Scotland Ceremonies

02/05/2024

HuMayNist #2 How did I get started?

Those benches make me feel funny. The little pitted rubber nodules, trying to carry one in a straight line with your monkey-armed bow-legged pal, the danger wobble when you and your egg-shaped body were pretending to be a gymnast on a beam. And don't get me started on the word, 'apparatus'.

Which one am I? Have a guess. Here's a clue- I'm always lurking in the back row, the natural habitat of boys, tall girls and the occasional mascot. FUN FACT- there are three Mandys (Mandies?) and four Craigs in this picture. 1970's Livi was clearly too busy dreaming up skate parks and underpasses to be bothered with new names.

Anyway, this is nothing to do with how I got started in my role as a wedding celebrant but ANOTHER FUN FACT: 2024 is my ten year anniversary of being authorised. Ten years of weddings probably deserves some kind of celebration, doesn't it? You free in October?

01/05/2024

HuMayNist #1 Who am I?

My real name is Claire but I'm in my daughter's phone as Council Minister Lady.

I like a daily diet coke, carefully curating my garden/hurling snails over the wall and I'm attempting to learn Italian but the entire nation needs to slow down a lot if I'm ever going to have a clue what's being said. Says the Scottish woman.

08/04/2024

The Precious Child is 15!

Yikes.

Buon compleanno, Flora ❤️

01/04/2024

🚨🚨🚨 I'M A PODCAST QUEEN!!!!🚨🚨🚨

My production company, Celebantz, in collaboration with BBC Scotland and BBC Sounds, is thrilled to announce my brand new podcast- Heart to Heart- is out NOW!

❤Have you ever doubted your relationship? Is a little voice screaming at you that your wedding is a bad idea? Has fear frozen you in your tracks?

❤In Heart to Heart, I have THAT conversation with real life couples.

❤In the run up to their wedding, I’ve sat down with everyone I've married over the last six months and we’ve talked about everything: love, s*x, break-ups, make-ups, cold feet and hot cousins. It’s been eye-opening, life affirming and, in some cases, the end of the relationship.

❤ It’s a powerful conversation and I can’t wait for you to be part of it. If you like your premarital counselling and intimate analysis with a side order of whimsy, this is the podcast for you.

And there’s more!

BBC Scotland loved the format so much, we’re in the process of developing it for TV! 🎬🎥 I KNOW!!! From today, all my couples will be given the opportunity to participate in not only the (contractually obligated) recorded conversation but a reality TV series too! Our intimate chat will be intertwined with real and raw footage from their hen/stag do's, their wedding day and the long months that follow.

It’s going to be AWESOME! 👏👏👏

🎧Join us for our first episode- Heart to Heart: Georgie, Max (and why Blair Drummond's Chimp Island needs a bigger moat) - and subscribe via the link below ⬇️

http://tiny.cc/plllxz

Address

Humanist Society Scotland, Suite 25, 4 Lochside Way, Edinburgh Park
Edinburgh
EH129DT

Website

http://clairethehumanist.com/

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Videos

HuMayNist catch up My Work Space I should be writing. I'm very much fannying about trying to figure out why captions are not working on but I got it now panic over I'm okay thanks for asking. #clairethehumanist #HuMayNist #humanistweddings #scottishwedding #humanistsocietyscotland #meetthecelebrant

HuMayNist #7 Less Glam Side #humanistweddings #humanistsocietyscotland #clairethehumanist #meetthecelebrant #HuMayNist

#clairethehumanist #humanistwedding #humanistsocietyscotland

North Carolina is pretty epic. Scale included for your convenience. #clairethehumanist #blueridgeparkway

Startled. And confused. Should I be using those tweezers for something? Do y'all have surprise bum tweezers and I'm behind the times with my behind?

HuMaynist #21 & 22 most proud of and top advice This seamless reel 🤣 and knowing when to just buy new plants. No point flogging a dead gorse. #HuMaynist #clairethehumanist #humanistweddings #humanistsocietyscotland

HuMayNist #27 Me at My Work Look! It's me! #humaynist #meetthecelebrant #clairethehumanist #scottishweddings #humanistsocietyscotland #humanistweddings

I'm not complaining about 2021 because I... - worked hard - did this - managed another 365 without a botfly infestation All in all, as yearly measures go, a resounding success. Have a good 'un and see you on the other side, my friend ❤️ #clairethehumanist #humanistwedding #skillz