This page has been set up to support Parents and extended family if they have lost a child. All the Admins on this page will have been in that situation themselves so will have experienced the feelings you will be having. I use the term children loosely as a child can be any age. There are many different ages a child can pass away it could have been a miscarriage, Stillborn, Early neonatal, Post n
eonatal, Infant, Child/Adolescent and Adult. The Office of National Statistics state the following statistics:
In 1980 48,377 children under the age of 15 died
In 1990 21,178 children under the age of 15 died
In 2000 14,544 children died under the age of 15
In 2008 14,111 children died under the age of 15 Latest figures
These figures represent children in England and Wales. If a baby dies before it breathes it is classed as stillborn. If a baby dies within 7 days of being born it is classed as an early neonatal death. If the baby dies after 7 days it is called a Post neonatal death. A child up to the age of one is called an infant death. After the months of anticipation, it's hard to imagine anything more devastating than the loss of a newborn child. After the loss of a child a Parent may feel (there are many more feelings they may feel, these are just a few):
Traumatised
Shock
Disbelief
Defy reality
Pretend it hasn’t happened
Utter despair
Loss
Intolerable physical pain
Sense of numbness
Devastated
Frightened
Anger
Hatred
Guilt
Exhaustion
Lack of concentration
Forgetfulness
Depressed
Numbness
Sadness
Emptiness
A sense of relief
It doesn’t matter what age your child dies even for a parent who’s lost their child in adulthood they are still a parent grieving for a child. Hearing the traumatic news of a death usually throws you into a state of shock and disbelief as you try to defy reality and pretend it hasn't happened. The sheer intensity of your feelings, the utter despair at the loss, and sometimes the intolerable physical pain you may suffer, all lead to a sense of numbness. The death of someone close can be the most devastating experience you'll ever have. But the death of your child turns your world completely upside down. To watch someone to whom you gave life, who's an extension of yourself, lying dead while you're still alive, challenges the natural order of things. The loss is absolute. Parents are left making sense out of nonsense. Children should grieve the loss of parents, not the other way round. It's normal to grieve and everyone expresses their grief in their own unique way. There are no rules and no right or wrong ways. For parents, the frightening intensity and rawness of emotions they experience can make them feel like screaming at the cruelty of the world. You may find yourself 'shutting down' and blocking everything out through fear of being overwhelmed with grief. A parent will go through a period of adjustment. Bereavement literally means being robbed and deprived of hope. As the reality of your loss sinks in, you may feel anger, hatred - and guilt. Someone must be to blame and it's all too easy to wrongly blame yourself. Guilt and anger sometimes not only affect the bereaved, but also those closest to them. Losing a child can strain even the strongest partnerships. Sometimes a grieving parent will shut his partner out, adding to his or her feelings of isolation. If you lose a child from a previous marriage, it may seem as if the only other person who can possibly understand the loss and share your grief is your ex-partner. This can be very confusing and cause great pain in current relationships. Even after the rawness of the feelings fades, you may undergo long periods of adjustment, not all of which are clearly understood. If you catch yourself having too much fun, or even feeling that life is starting to be bearable again, this can turn to guilt, or renewed grief that your child is no longer there to share it. Basic day-to-day existence - let alone meeting everyone's expectations as a friend, family member or professional in a stressful workplace - uses enormous amounts of energy. How many friends, relatives and co-workers will be able to cope with the continuing exhaustion, lack of concentration, forgetfulness, depression, self-pity and apparently irrational behaviour at times such as anniversaries? A parent then has to organise the funeral of their child. No one can begin to imagine seeing that small coffin for the first time. It all then becomes so real for the family. That they have lost a child. The feeling deep in their heart can be so painful it feels like their heart is broken and in reality it is. But there is a physical pain it is so strange they are unable to describe it but it is deep and doesn’t go away. For me it is the feeling of a broken heart! There's no time limit on grief and you may continue to feel bereaved at every stage of the life your child would've enjoyed had they lived: starting school, leaving school, their 18th, their 21st, at their wedding, for your absent grandchildren. Nobody fully recovers from the death of a child, they adjust to it as best as they can.
