18/11/2019
"I’m four months postpartum.
Four months of breastfeeding one, sometimes two babies. Four months of feeling my core wobble and give way to backaches. Four months of watching this wrinkly pink baby fill out with rolls and soft, round cheeks. Four months of sheer exhaustion and middle of the night feedings. But I’m still so new, so raw.
My body is completely different than it was before babies, now twice over. I’m weaker in some places and stronger than I’ve ever been in others. I’ve pushed this body to the limit, to the place where it aches and screams for rest. I’ve nourished it some days and deprived it others. I’ve given it Lexapro to fight off the PPD that came for me again. I’ve heaved it heavily, sleepily out of bed for my crying babies. I’ve rocked it and bent it and contorted it to fit the shape of this new chapter of motherhood. But it’s still new. It’s postpartum. It’s healing. Slowly the pieces of me are coming back together in an entirely changed shape.
My belly button is caving in where I pierced it in youthful rebellion. The skin wrinkles like parchment paper where I try to button my mom jeans. My breasts inflate, engorge, deflate, sag, ache, spill, explode, leak, nourish, sustain life. My shoulders bend inward from the weight of love. My lips are often chapped from dehydration when I forget to pour myself water as I pour myself out to my babies. I’m not a martyr though, I’m a mother. I’m postpartum. I’m giving and giving and trying to find space for rest and self love and feeding myself and it’s impossibly hard and important and sacred work. I gave life from this scarred, ripped, creased, wrinkled, majestic and forever changed body and each day as my babies grow, so do I. Postpartum is hard and soft, painful and euphoric, lonely and full. Just like life, it’s dynamic. It’s okay to ache for your old life, former self, pre-baby body. It’s okay to feel a full spectrum of emotions about your new world. You can love your babies more than the stars in the sky and need a break.
Postpartum is such a tender time, be kind to yourself. It’s something I need to be reminded of, too."
📷: + Ariel Rose Photography