01/04/2024
"Don't take anything personally," admonishes Don Miguel Ruiz in "The Four Agreements." This agreement is remarkably helpful in diffusing shame, guilt, and embarrassment triggered by the words and actions of others; at the same time, it is poor advice indeed in navigating the complexities of a real relationship. It can even be outright dangerous in the hands of narcissists who use it to deflect basic accountability. Like all spiritual truths, the second agreement can be used against ourselves if we apply it unskillfully or uncompassionately.
In ten years as Don Miguel's apprentice, I learned how to begin using the second agreement more skillfully. The key is in understanding the word, "personally." it doesn't mean that the thoughts, words, and actions of others have nothing to do with us. It doesn't mean we are weak if we allow others to matter. It is simply an encouragement to refrain from defining ourselves by others reflections. First, their reflection is influenced by the quality of the mirror itself. Second, it is not a reflection of who we are -- it is a reflection of the mask we are wearing with them in that moment. At this level, it can be very useful to understand what their reflection tells us about who the other person is, and how our mask is being experienced; masks are useful, and it is worth our time to become more skillful in using them.
At the same time, this agreement offers an even deeper invitation. Who we are isn't a mask; it is a mystery. "Don't take anything personally" ultimately encourages us to stop regarding ourselves as "persons" and to discover ourselves as extraordinary mysteries. We stop worrying about others' reflections and become more interested in discovering the endless mystery of our own being ...
