Republic of Fingerland; Public Information Page

30/07/2022

Visitors to the Republic of Fingerland are being warned to stay away from the bottom reaches of Mount Glossknocker, after local resident Mo Teavicar was subjected to a barrage of abuse and had her photograph taken repeatedly by tourists who believed they were seeing the yeti.
Mrs Teavicar, 54, who suffers from a rare skin condition which causes hair to sprout across the entirety of her body, was reportedly shaken but not stirred at the antics of the visitors, yet Inspector Willie Schmacker of the Republican Police Force of Fingerland has warned people not to bother her. Mrs Teavicar was unavailable for comment.
Inspector Schmacker said in a televised broadcast. "I find it ludicrous that people believed in this day and age that they were witnessing a yeti out in broad daylight on a tuesday afternoon. I can only assume that they have been smoking the Fingerlandian leaf. Its common knowledge in Fingerlandia that yeti only come out on Thursdays"

23/07/2022

Lyndesfarne Douglastein, Minister of Snack and Fizzy Pop, has today denounced claims that the government are in possession of a warehouse (pictured) in which a freakish Frankenwheat is being stored. The creature, allegedly 40ft in length, 20ft wide and 10 ft high is believed to be sentient, and was created illegally by Fingerlandian scientists, in breach of article 69 of the ‘Please Don’t do that’ accord. Each morning, the Frankenwheat is violently shaven with the removed portions being handed out to schoolchildren all over the Republic of Fingerland. This scheme, with its slogan, ‘Put a smile on a childs face each day’, was the brainchild of Duke Helmut Fingerland, who has previously stated that he has fond memories of his family butler, Rothschild, always ensured that he was full shortly after waking each morning.
When asked for a statement regarding these allegations, Minister Douglastein told reporters. “Knob off, you s***k trumpets.”

03/07/2022

Arnold Müller; the Leader of the Left Right Radical Pacifist Movement has today been declared dead after his remains were found at the prestigious Fingerland Zoological Park for Animals and Stuff, following what appears to be s*x games gone awry.
Herr Müller had been missing since midday on 1st June, after earlier making disparaging remarks about Duke Helmut Fingerland.
He was found by zoo keepers arriving for work this morning, ironically in the bear enclosure where future officers for Fingerlands Bear Division of the police are selected from. Sources inside the zoo claimed earlier that the cage was locked from the outside, yet Inspector Willie Schmacker of the Republican Police Force of Fingerland has denied these allegations as propaganda spread by Herr Müller's party in a bid to muddy the good name of Duke Fingerland. The zoo released this photo, picked up by CCTV which seem to show Herr Müller engaged in some form of tomfoolery with a bear. Inspector Schmacker added. "For reasons unknown Herr Müller got in with the bears. Perhaps for some kind of ursine liason, we really dont know right now, but the photograph is pretty telling imo. Maybe they were playing Hide the Honeypot. However, death by bear is historically the most common form of su***de in the Republic of Fingerland, so this is not too surprising."
Others have claimed the photo is fake news as Herr Müller was black.

01/07/2022

We have just been informed that Inspector Willie Schmacker of the Republican Police Force of Fingerland has played down reports that Arnold Müller; the Leader of the Left Right Radical Pacifist Movement is missing. Her Müller was last seen earlier today at a party meeting where he responded to Duke Fingerland's earlier criticism of him following what some are calling 'The Bear Incident' with a two-fingered salute and a loud wet raspberry.
It was this gesture that have left many feeling it might have played some part in his disappearance, with the hand gesture and sound combined being an ancient insult of great magnitude in the Republic of Fingerland.
However Inspector Schmacker said this. "People go missing from time to time and thats perfectly fine. My own father went out to get a packet of ci******es when I was five and is presumably still stuck in the queue. I am certain that nothing bad has befallen Herr Müller and he will soon turn up safe and sound."
In the meantime, his friends and family are circulating this last known photo taken of Herr Müller on CCTV at his home.

01/07/2022

Congratulations to Brunhilde Scratch (nee Goring) and her Peruvian husband Pablo Scratch (both pictured below) on their wedding today in the Fingerland Town Hall.
Brunhilde, who was born blind, and Pablo, a recent immigrant to Fingerland to escape war-torn Peru, met on Octember 32rd 2020, while she was working in his homeland at a Heavy Petting Zoo, and it was love at first touch. Todays ceremony was presided over by Duke Helmut Fingerland, who in his role as Divine and Holy Leader of the Republic of Fingerland, superseded all available priests.
The happy couple were greeted by crowds of cheering Fingerland citizens, and a brass band. Pablo was unable to comment due to what must be his poor grasp of our language, and when asked how she thought the ceremony went, Brunhilde said, "I have no fu***ng idea...I'm blind."

01/07/2022

Praise has been flooding in for Officer Matthias Klunk after he bravely climbed a tree this morning to rescue local man, Rourke M.E Amadeus, after he got stuck while climbing a tree. Officer Klunk, a fully grown black bear, and currently the only serving official on the Republican of Fingerland's new Bear Division, was unavailable for comment after the rescue. Speaking earlier today at a Squirrel orphanage, Duke Helmut Fingerland praised Officer Klunk, and took full credit for the creation of the Division, singling out his loudest critic, Arnold Müller. "When I first devised the Bear Division, people, namely the left-right-radical-pacifists, claimed that it was a waste of funding and that bears could not do the job of a person. Arnold Müller himself said that we need to create jobs for people not bears. I refuse to allow this great nation to be swept away in a wave of trans-bearphobia. All bears matter!"
Mr Müller was unavailable for comment.

30/06/2022

Andreas Hardenstein, foreign secretary for the Republic of Fingerland, and part-time taxi driver (Schatts Cabs tel 098-8765-1564) has reacted with anger this morning after it was suggested in several western news outlets that the flag of the Republic of Fingerland resembles an a**s about to be fi**ed.
Minister Hardenstein told The Fingerland news agency. "This is an insult that has hurt me inside. To suggest that the flag of Fingerland looks like an a**s about to be fi**ed is a low blow and something we will not take sitting down!"

30/06/2022

Inspector Willie Schmacker of the Republican Police Force of Fingerland has warned the public not to approach the clowns in the south district. They appear to have been left behind by Schnitzels Circus following the recent parade, and have taken to scavenging for food. Inspector Schmacker told the Fingerland Times today. "It is perfectly normal for clowns to be abandoned by their circus from time to time and usually this is of no concern. However with the recent heatwave the ones on the south district appear to have become feral. We already have officers from the Clown Pacification out on the streets capturing them until they can be rehomed at another circus. In the meantime do not approach them. Clowns are not a laughing matter."
Inspector Schmacker denied suggestions that they could be involved in the disappearance of UK journalist, Lynn Douglass, who was alleged to have been investigating the Republic of Fingerland. Ms Douglass vanished from her hotel after reportedly telling friends back in England, that she had the story of her life.

29/06/2022

The annual sausage festival returns to the Republic of Fingerland, on 31rd of Septober, 2022 with all the usual fun and games.
As usual Duke Helmut Fingerland will be judging all categories marked with an asterix, with the winners invited to stay at the castle for two nights, so get those sausages stuck in now.

Categories.
*Biggest girth
*Longest sausage
*Tastiest sausage
Best newcomer
Curliest sausage
and many more.

Tickets currently available from Gunters Butchers on Klein Street. Don't forget to grab a sausage to chew on while you are there.

- Please park responsibly.

29/06/2022