06/10/2023
we all know what brings me here.
Ang layo pa ng araw: tara takas tayo.
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- Ang layo pa ng araw: tara takas tayo.
kap.
30/09/2023
i keep people in a bubble of an image of who i am. to see fewer and fewer parts of me as they try to come closer. i find it easier to tell something to strangers than to people i care ab. after the day, they wouldn’t care ab me as well. they would forget that certain part of me that i had confided that moment.
but imagine showing your lover a vulnerability and she starts seeing you beyond the supposed to be image. she starts thinking of it more, or worst, she never thought of it as if it was just a lousy part of you meant to be forgotten.
it's the fact that there's no expectations to other people on how they will react,
but u expect deeper understanding when u open up to the closer ones no?
mas madali pa rin magshut down ng sarili kaysa magpaliwanag. mahaba kasi.
it takes time and maybe in the process of letting people understand you, you will be misunderstood.
kaya yun. wag na lang
30/09/2023
andito na naman ako, hulaan ninyo.
22/09/2023
nitong nakaraang araw talaga, ang miserable ko kapag nagigising. parang napipilitan lang ako. ang bigat sa dibdib. sinusubukan ko naman ifill yung void at ipatch yung kalungkutan ko by doing the things i love or interacting with people. i seek to be kinder. pero nanatili ang pananahnan nito sa loob ng buto ko.
hindi ito self pity. hindi rin ako nagrarant o ano. nagseseek ako ng answer sa katanungang: ano at bakit ganto ang nararamdaman ko?
i feel so lost every damn day. parang hindi ko mahanap kung sino ako. at hindi ko makilala ang sarili ko.
i feel utterly worse everyday.
y i need diagnosis. gusto ko maintindihan. ano ba to?
22/09/2023
ganto. nararamdaman ko ang malaking bugso ng detachment na paparating. parte na ata ito ng pagkatao ko. i always question some of the connections i make w other people: are they good for me? do they make me feel beautiful on my skin? kailangan ko ba magpanggap kapag kasama ko sila? do they make me speak bad things? are their energies good for me?
it is my mind and body’s constant monitoring and reevaluation of my parameter. process ng growth. which connection needs to be cut? why do it makes me feel not good?
wala lang. bahala na. i need to crawl out of who i had been today. i felt so hateful kaya detach muna. i cant forgive ms for speaking bad and having bad energy myself bc of the environment i was put through.
teka lang. pagod ako.
jane
06/09/2023
there is something scary with loving people who had once loved other people.
02/09/2023
ayoko pag-usapan ang naging kabayaran ng payapang gabi. gusto ko magmatigas. gusto kong maupo kasama ang p**t at ang kawalan ng pagpapatawad. sabi ni mama, masyado daw akong bato. hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa napapatawad si papa sa mga sinabi nya saakin noong isang gabi. hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa sya kinakausap. hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa kaya.
nasanay kasi ako na humihingi sya ng pasensya saakin. pero simula noong natuto akong hindi na magpaturo ng matematika sakanya, hindi na nya ako pinapatahan.
pero hindi ito tungkol sakanya, mahal ko si papa. alam kong kapag kinausap nya ako, mapapatawad ko sya ulit. tungkol ito sayo: ayoko pag-usapan ang pagmamahal.
ayokong amining nararamdaman kita. ayokong sabihing “im too soft for you.” i am. gusto kong mas magalit. gusto kong mas masaktan. i want to sit with my own created judgements of you in my mind and scream at it with all the hatred i could muster. (i can never scream at you.)
nasusunog ako.
sinusubukan kong ubusin ang sarili ko para wala ng matira kung hindi ang upos ng aking munting pagkatao. gusto kong magsimula bilang butil muli.
gusto kong mahalin ka ng walang p**t at pighati.
i dont want to hold these kiss marks with my hands trembling for all the suppressed longing that i dressed up as abhorrence. let me stop for a while.
with you.
take up some breaths for a week or two.
for long.
for long long.
for too long that i feel none of you.
ito ang katotohanang sinusubukan kong tigilan ang pagmamahal sayo sa mga oras na wala ka pero ako ang tumitigil.
there’s no unloving you,
i can only stop showing it.
jane
02/09/2023
not all demons are meant to be accepted by people. some are meant to be shattered and thrown to places where they can never be retrieved.
02/09/2023
i want interdependency.
the truth is i am too soft for everything. i feel too deeply. that is why as much as possible, i deny dependency to other people. i value my single-blessedness. my solitude. here, i nurture my independence. and the only one i am meant to worry about is myself. my own growth.
relationships are my strength. where i get fuel to move. a foundation. a safe place. i seek for peace in people because that is what i can provide. quietness. certainty. support. sensitivity. softness. company.
i let not my self issues that doesn’t involve my partner affect my relationship. i grow better from it. i heal from it. and if i talk ab it, it is because i want to be heard. i want to ease my own suffering for a while. not to seek for solution that i can definitely handle and figure out myself. i dont want to burden anyone with the motion of finding solution. with the process.
just listen and tell me that you will be with me as i figure things out.
i will grow inside and outside the relationship. as an individual. qs a partner. and i will let u delight with the sap of my growth.
interdependence is what i want. the striving for continuous growth. for success. without hindering one another.
this is my band.
i will never lower it.
jane
01/09/2023
paborito kong panoorin ang sarili kong sumisibol at lumalago sa araw-araw. parte ako ng mga taong nasa proseso ng patuloy na pag-usbong. gusto kong umigi. maging mabuti. humusay sa mga larangang pinipili ko at pinagpapaguran ko ang bawat usad ng aking paa.
dugo. pawis. luha. tahimik kong dinadala ang ang mabibigat na kaakibat ng pagiging ‘matagumpay’ at ng pangalang ‘mahusay’. ayokong ipakita ang proseso ng mga gabing lumuha ako ng kadiliman habang pinagmamasdan ang basag na imahe ng aking munting mga pangarap.
sa ngayon, hawak ko pa rin ang sarili ko. bitbit ko pa rin ang kakambal ng aking pangalan. naglalakad pa rin ako. paborito ko pa ring panoorin ang sarili kong lumago sa proseso.
at hindi ako magdadalawang-isip bitawan ang mga bagay o taong pipigil saaking umusad. hindi ako natatakot na mang-iwan.
ang gusto kong sabihin maglakad ka kasama ko.
jane
30/08/2023
makikilala ko ang presensya mo kahit sa karimlan
mamahalin pa rin kita kahit hindi kita makilala
jane
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