The Vertical Vector
I started small nurturing the popular incentive of growth.
Of being better than yesterday. Of adding something.
Ultimately I failed to answer so many questions.
I was 19 years old when my alter ego was born.
The Alpinist.
It was the reign of strive. The strive to grow, to perform. To be bigger & better than me. The neurotic and never ending pursuit of tomorrow. Always missing the reality of me while chasing the better version of it. I failed to understand myself as most athletes do.
Years later I joined the aviation as a helicopter rescue specialist. I participated in many operations and the triumph side of climbing was instantly finished by its tragic counterpart. For years and years the other side of the coin was like the other side of the Moon to me - always dark, always invisible. An abstract space full of silence and void that you hear only stories from. And this void was suddenly filled with adventures gone wrong, the silence was torn by torment. The Mountain was revealing its honest and complete picture - indifference towards us, the ones who dared enter.
The Mountain is not a playground, nor a poetic notion.
The Mountain is not calling you to go as it’s not calling you to leave.
It’s your call.
And mine too. I had the eyes to see but not the courage to change.
The insane game of gain.
Climbing demands a violent bravery over fears.
But change demands fearlessness. No fears to face.
So this is what i learnt. To understand living is to understand dying. They are never separated just as triumph and tragedy aren’t. This is what truth stands for - integrity, entirety.
Since then I feel the daring Alpinist slowly eroding away. And it’s beautiful. A melting inner space that gradually gives way to something more balanced and mature.
The Mountain guide.
A self aware person as he is fully responsible now. Sometimes he needs to be the Alpinist but moreover he needs to be a father, a friend. He negates risk, doesn’t provoke it. He exploits the mountain for his living, not for a social validation. And to me it’s a step further.
I joined the EEMGA-IFMGA course and after three years of hard work I became an international guide graduating at ENSA /the french national school of ski & alpinism/. Since then I slowly relearn mountaineering.
What is to climb self sufficiently having the other end of the rope unequally skilled and completely dependent on you?
What is to move in somebody else’s shoes? His pace, his rhythm.
And ultimately, what is to perceive the mountain every time through different eyes, fears, and motives?
This is my drive. Not growth, but insight.
And what is yours?
I’ve felt the world of mountains through the mountains of the world. And this is what I share. Join me to venture together and develop оur shifting perspectives. The Vector has a point of beginning and no end. Contrary to the modern motivational cliches, we certainly do have limits. The only limitless ocean is self exploration. This vast inner space unfolds in the mountain when there is humility and respect. This is what brings clarity to the senses. As we become silent for ourselves, than it’s quiet enough to listen.
The Mountain.
Victor Varoshkin
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