05/11/2021
Jaclyn Skalnik, aka on Instagram, speaks from a place of experience. In her early 20's, she participated in a Ties trip with her family. She then went on to earn her MSW, led an international adoption program, traveled as Ties travel staff, became a parent, and ultimately opened Adoption Wellness.
Most international adoption programs require parents to travel to the country. Parents, what did you experience when you were in your child's country of origin? Did you experience cultural differences? Were you out of your comfort zone? Did you explore new foods? Did your brain fatigue after hearing a different language? I ask you to pay attention to what you felt while in your child's country, but also, what you did to learn. This minute window offers you a glimpse of the adjustment your kids go through when transplanted to their new country. I oftentimes hear adoptive parents complain about their trip; it was smelly, dirty, poor, etc. Please use judgement when speaking about your child's country. What you say may be interpreted as a reflection of them. Children growing up outside of their culture will feel disconnected and can only rely on what they hear about it from others. Listen, we have smelly, dirty, poor areas here too - so let's be culturally sensitive while also acknowledging the beauty of their country.
Speak early and often about a visit, save $ for it and make it a priority. Your children depend on you to provide them with resources to make connections to their birth culture/country. If your child is reluctant, it may be because it was introduced to them too late. "We're going to take you back to China next summer" vs. "We're going to visit China next summer" are two very different phrases. As parents, the language we use is critical. Talk with your children about what they want to do and see during a visit. Will the whole family travel? Do they want to travel with other adoptees? Do they want to visit tourist places or spaces connected to their life before adoption (orphanage, etc.)? Talk about their expectations of the trip, not yours.
Adoptees need time to prepare for and unpack from a homeland trip. Please make sure they are supported to share their feelings. They deserve an opportunity to visit where they are from as it can really fill in the blanks. Eating takeout from the local Chinese restaurant once a year does not cut it for "exposing them to their birth culture."
