09/08/2024
LET'S LEARN!
I believe it's important to always polish our stories. That's why I'm eager to help—send your story to me for a review before applying for a contract. While I can't guarantee anything (since I'm not the Story Editor and platforms may change their policies), I can promise that your writing will improve.
Remember, this isn't just a one-day job; it's a career. I hope you always see learning as a vital part of your writing journey, and of life in general.
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Today, I received this beautiful story of billionaire romance. I won't give you the author name, but, i hope we can learn together from this manuscript.
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Original manuscript:
Chapter 1 # Tripping Troubles
~~ 3 months ago~~
“Mom, I got the job..I got the job” Her joy was evident as she couldn’t contain her
excitement.
This job was a great opportunity for her to provide for the family.
“Oh my goodness! … I& #39;m so proud of you, Andrea” her mother,Mrs.Laura Exclaimed
enthusiastically.
“After all the challenges I faced in finding a job, I struck gold unexpectedly”
“I am super excited, momma.We can now afford to cover Lisa and Laurel’s school
expenses”
They were overjoyed. Not only was the money she could earn appealing, but the idea of
being able to support her siblings’ education was what really excited her.
Her dedication to finding a job was well known.
Starting a job at a prestigious company was a dream come true for Andrea but after just
a few months, she was eager to leave due to the challenges she faced at work.
~~Present~~
Andrea sat back comfortably in her office chair,taking a moment to relax with her eyes
shut.
Suddenly, the intercom on her desk buzzed,snapping her back to reality. She listened to
her boss’ voice coming through the speaker
"Andrea,come to my office now!!."
When she heard the tone of the message, she realized the man was upset,which was
typical of him. Andrea had recently begun working as Mr. Kings’ Personal Assistant a
few months ago and was able to tell when he was annoyed.
She stood and walked towards Mr. King& #39;s office,prepared for what awaited her.
Upon reaching the door, she knocked and waited for a reply,
“Enter!” came the voice from within. The office was spacious and everything was
carefully organized.
“Sir, you requested my presence”
“I was expecting a cappuccino, not this black coffee”
“I apologize Mr. King.I will make the needed correction immediately”
***
My revision:
Let's begin revising the story with this excerpt:
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Andrea sat back comfortably in her office chair, taking a moment to relax with her eyes shut. Suddenly, the intercom on her desk buzzed, snapping her back to reality. She listened to her boss’s voice coming through the speaker.
"Andrea, get to my office now!"
When she heard the tone, she realized he was upset, which was typical of him.
"Got it, Boss!" she replied, trying to hide her trembling voice to avoid making things worse.
Andrea had only been Mr. King's assistant for a few months, but she could already tell when he was annoyed. She stood up and headed to his office, preparing herself for whatever was coming.
Upon reaching the door, she knocked and waited for a reply. Her boss yelled from inside.
“Come in!”
Andrea hesitated for a moment, trying to suppress her fear and irritation.
"Yes, Sir," she said, walking into Mr. King's office with as much confidence as she could muster. It was the least she could do to maintain her professionalism, even though her boss didn’t seem to care.
“I was expecting a cappuccino, not this black coffee!" Mr. King's eyes blazed as if it were the end of the world.
Andrea was shocked by how fussy her boss was over such trivial things, but that was just how he was. She gulped and answered.
“I—I apologize, Mr. King. I’ll make the correction immediately."
***
