Sober Outside

07/05/2022

So much can hold us back from not feeling fully free in sobriety. We can be sober for six months, a year or 10 years and feel much better physically and mentally, yes, but still not feel as joyful as possible.

One of the biggest things that can get in the way is shame. Shame over something we did when drinking. Shame over something that was done to us while we were drinking. Or just general shame over the fact that we had a drinking problem at all.

Sometimes getting sober isn’t always enough to prove to our subconscious that we’ve changed. Our minds can still be holding onto beliefs about who we are based on who we were then. This can look like self-sabotage in your relationships or career. We may not believe we “deserve” a loving relationship with someone who treats us kindly and with respect. We may not believe we should go after that dream job. There may be some part of ourselves, however small, that still thinks we are stuck in the muck.

You can change this. The first step is recognizing that there is this gap between how you feel today and how you’d like to feel.

If you’re ready to make a change, join us on Sunday, May 15, at 2 pm EST. Forgiveness teacher Mary Hayes Grieco is going to lead a session where we let go of these beliefs that have been holding us back.

Want to know more? Check out http://soberoutside.com/trips/forgiveness-2022/

I would love to have you join us—and leave the session feeling the lightness that comes with letting go of the past and those self-defeating beliefs. Let’s all feel as free as we were meant to feel. ✨✨✨

24/04/2022

So what’s with all the changes on here? Great question!

During the pandemic, I did a deep dive into outside work—and by that I mean all the work that falls outside of the scope of 12-step recovery. Prior to me doing the work, something just felt like it was missing. I was very clear on what I wanted: peace, joy, happiness as well as a fulfilling career and financial freedom. And, no, I don’t know that 12-step is really meant to address the last two… but I was also looking around and trying to find people who just exude so much happiness.

The years prior, I’d just been seeing maybe the opposite. People who were sober, and their lives were no doubt better than they had been, but they still didn’t seem as happy as I imagine we can be. I read “Lost Connections” years ago and found it so profound. People get depressed for so many reasons and then some turn to drugs and alcohol to fix the deep unhappiness. If people can manage to get sober, it brings back clarity—but we still need so much more. We need work or hobbies that fill us up. We need connections that recharge us. We need to find our passion in life. Passion!!!!

So, so much can hold us back from all of this. Alcohol, yes. But getting sober doesn’t fix these other issues—finding fulfilling work for example. And while program certainly teaches a lot about relationships, there is also much that can be learned outside of 12-step recovery.

So, this has been my journey. I want to share as much of it as I can with women who are interested. It’s all optional, right? Take what you want and leave the rest.

The next workshop is on self-forgiveness, which is huge. There are many ways to unblock energy, and this is one that I like. I’ve done this work with Mary Hayes Grieco and it is profound. I had had nightmares every night for maybe six years over a particular thing (I’ll share that story soon), and I flew to Minneapolis and had two sessions with Mary. I never had another nightmare about that thing.

This is just one type of work—one piece. Maybe it’s right for you. Maybe it’s not. See if it resonates (workshop link in bio). Either way, you’re awesome and you’re doing great work and I’m happy you’re here. ✨✨✨

17/03/2022

A couple days ago, I shared here about anger. And how important it is to get in touch with it. But it’s not just anger that we need to welcome in. It’s sadness and dread and everything uncomfortable—because it all guides us and helps us find clarity about what we want for our lives.

If you’re reading this, chances are you used to drink a lot at some point. I sure did. I wanted to block all the feelings. All of them.

For a while, I thought that getting sober was enough to find all the clarity I needed. Getting sober is huge, but, for me, there was and is more to it.

Anytime we have a craving to overeat or overspend or turn on Netflix for a few hours, it means something is missing. We are hungry for connection. Or safety. Or stillness. Possibly we need to be comforted or reassured. Learning to identify what we need is huge.

But here comes what is perhaps the biggest work: We also have to allow ourselves to grieve. If we are sad we are not being comforted in the present, chances are there were times in the past that we weren’t either. Journaling in these moments can help us connect the dots from the pains of the present to the pains of the past.

And then we feel. Somewhere safe where we won’t be interrupted. For me, it’s the tub. I light candles. I bring a speaker in there and I put on some really sad music. After that, I may even put on a favorite movie that I know will make me cry.

Clearing out all of this emotional heaviness takes time. But each time we honor ourselves and our feelings, we get closer to our authentic self. That authentic self is the voice of intuition and guidance that steers us in all facets of life, from friendships and dating to career choices. Really, it’s everything. ✨✨✨

12/03/2022

There’s this idea in sobriety that we can’t afford to ever be angry. That anger is so powerful and dangerous an emotion that it will surely drive us to drink. I’m gonna ruffle some feathers when I say this: That is so wildly untrue.

Granted, I do agree that with anger over everyday situations with friends, partners or coworkers, we need to check ourselves and check that in with someone else to uncover our part in it.

I’m talking about a lack of gender equality. For me, it reached a boiling point during the pandemic when, again and again, I was being yelled at by strangers in public. All men. Once was because I didn’t yield the right-of-way to someone who didn’t have it. He followed me to a gas station and when I got out to pump gas, he stayed in his car and unloaded on me verbally.

Something in me that day had had it. I started remembering every time I had been sexually harassed and, if that wasn’t enough, I was suddenly a scapegoat for random men’s anger.

I found my own anger couldn’t be ignored. And, I didn’t WANT to ignore it. Anger is simply a signal that our boundaries have been crossed.

I’ve been tapping into that anger like no other. I’m using it to find my voice. To inform Gas Pump As***le that he’s not allowed to speak to me that way. When men put their hand on my thigh, I say, “I’m not comfortable with you touching me.”

As much as it’s important for me to now speak up every time s**t like this happens, I’m realizing what feels more important is to go back and take another look at the situations like this throughout my life where I felt powerless. Where nothing was my fault other than being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sure, it was “my fault” I didn’t speak up then, but I’m not going to blame myself for not having the words back then.

Because I think that’s part of the bigger problem. Has it always been safe for us to speak up? Were we afraid of the consequences? Did we even know what to say?

I’m practicing compassion for myself. And taking the time to feel it all. To cry over these events—which I didn’t do at the time. Back then, I drank. Today I can do better. Today, my anger is not just a liability; it can also be my guide.

24/11/2021

Worth a read. Worth questioning if we are making holiday choices out of obligation and guilt. Further, are we “making choices” at all or simply living on autopilot and doing what we have always done? It’s OK to not buy into holiday expectations that largely serve corporations, such as airlines. And if we don’t celebrate this holiday as it is portrayed on TV and in film, that doesn’t mean anything about who we are as people. It is not a failure to not be living the Rockwellian dream, one which is largely out of reach for most Americans for a host of reasons.

Although the pandemic gave me an excuse not to go home for the holidays, I was left asking myself why I – an adult – never saw it as my right to refuse