There are more important things in life, than love, family, friends, health, community, and respect; those things are dollars, euros and even the Croatian Krona. Profits make Unicron™ Corporation grow and monopolise, meaning that we can save you 2p on a tin of beans. The customer doesn’t always know best, until we tell them what's best. Then they do. So far, in our relatively short existence a gre
at deal has been achieved, we have:
- destroyed entire waterways to make delicious, thirst quenching and nutritious fizzy pop;
- delivered a record-breaking 2.5% of the world’s global emissions with Unicron™ SuperOil, you WILL drive to the local shops at all times;
- helped clear 3.5 football fields of rainforest per day in order to increase palm oil production, and on our way to 5 football fields per day. This mainly pointless ingredient has a high profit yield and adds bulk our chocolate! Mmmmm.. palm oil!
- lobbied against environmental legislation where it affects our profits. There is no evidence that the environment is in peril. However, there is evidence that our Unicron™ branded anti-ugly cream will leave you feeling ten times more zingy.
- moved poor people off their land to build African adventure safari world, where you can experience what life is really like in sub-saharan Africa *includes clean running water, english speaking butler, and armed guard. **Free giraffe-skin slippers. We’ve even exploited people, mainly women, just to grab your attention and sell you things. Added extra bonus: women feel less confident about themselves so they buy more things to cover up their own faces and bodies, because it's the only way to get a man, and every woman wants a man! After all, you must breed so that our customer base will continue to increase. Breeding is imperative. We need to do these things and more to manufacture our products as cheaply as possible and maximise our profits. When did the environment ever make money?! Profits don’t come from being ethical or responsible and what’s more important, trees or money? Let’s not forget, money doesn’t grow on trees…
