09/05/2020
Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I wanted to share a piece of writing with other parents of older kiddos that are currently navigating this Covid context. We are doing hard things!
Covid Isolation and Parenting Adult Children – Laughter, Listening and Leadership
Leanne Shannon, M.S.W., R.S.W.
On March 15 our 19 year old son called home to share the news that the University had just announced it was transitioning to online classes and he asked if we would come and pick him up from his first year residence on campus. At the same time, our 22-year-old son returned home after housesitting at his grandparents’ home who were returning home early from their Arizona snowbird trip. Our 17-year-old daughter had only recently returned from a month-long international study trip to Brazil.
When our whole family was gathered at Christmas we talked about what it was going to be like for their dad and I to spend the beginning of 2020 alone with all three of the kids out of the house and we joked it was going to be a practice run at empty nesting. We talked about the transition in May and what that would look like when everyone returned but we had no idea what was in store as Covid 19 hit.
I am a family therapist and I am having lots of conversation with families currently who have young children (many of whom have unique needs) and the amount of work being done by these families is staggering. Many moms who have been carrying the (often invisible) load of parenting and running a household now have additional duties added to their already overflowing job descriptions. They are caring for their kiddos 24/7 and have added the responsibility of educating their children in a crisis, ensuring safety, and adapting to new expectations to their daily schedules. Every family’s experience of this unprecedented crisis has been different; job losses, health issue, financial oppression and marginalization remind us that while we are in the same storm we are all in different boats.
What has been unique in our family has been the experience of adult children all under the same roof again and what that has brought with it. While I do not have to oversee their online learning or provide the exhausting physical care for them, I have been struck with what they have needed for me over the past weeks. Overall, my sense is that they have required my time, reassurance, and some leadership.
The time that I have tried to make available to them has needed to be flexible and is less than predictable. What I have noticed is that quite often it is when I am climbing into bed that a child might appear at the foot of my bed ‘just to say hi’. Creating space for a one on one walk has been another place I can find myself in their company and it is in these unstructured, not planned for spaces that the ‘real deal’ of what is on their minds typically emerges. My ability to be flexible with my time has been a gift that I am very thankful for. In our conversations I have learned that ‘less is more’ and by creating the space for them to share what they want to share when they want to share it has proven valuable. As a parent in these anxiety-inviting times I have had to remind myself that what these young adults need is to be heard. It’s less about giving them solutions or potential fixes but more about creating the space for them to share and articulate what they are experiencing; helping them to know I’ve heard them and acknowledging the hardness of what they are experiencing. Reminding them of their resilience and communicating my confidence in their ability to get through this has been important. Although they are adults, I am still their parent and my ability to provide some leadership with open communication and expectations is a balancing act I continue to work towards.
Covid has brought with it a lot of uncertainty, anxiety, and fear for many. Not having answers or timeframes is highly alarming for the human brain and part of what I am learning in my parenting of adult children during a pandemic is that my ability to remain calm and regulated has a positive impact on my children’s experiences. Reminding them to limit their media exposure and to try to integrate healthy habits such as exercise and good nutrition have been a part of this. Being honest with them and recognizing that ‘we don’t know’ but we know we are together and that this will end have been ongoing messages. Inviting their perspectives and letting them know that I had the ability to hold space for the futility they are experiencing has been important. We started out with a ‘gratitude’ wall; post it notes put on the kitchen wall when we were feeling thankful. This has evolved into a ‘gratitude/this sucks’ wall as our kids pointed out that while there were things to be thankful for there was also a lot that was really hard; lost jobs, abrupt endings to degrees, sadness and fear and these have been captured on their own post it notes. They help me to keep it real. Interestingly the number of gratitude and ‘this sucks’ notes are about the same.
Once their online university classes ended, we tried to step up the level of activity and create some options to spend time together. We created a tradition of “Friday Family Fun Night” and have taken turn choosing themes, activities, and meals once a week. This has become something to look forward to for all of us; some scheduled time together, a release and a place to put aside the worry and fear and focus on having some fun. A brain engaged in playfulness has a hard time being anxious and we have tried to make sure that at least once a week our brains are playing! A birthday celebration, a university graduation and our 25th wedding anniversary are some of the milestones that have been marked on these Friday nights; pictures taken during them might become a scrapbook once this is all over to remind us of this unique time spent together.
I am thankful for the privilege of this time spent together; although there have been some real challenges and fears over the past weeks I have the sense that at some point in the future this will be a time that our family will look back on and appreciate; the laughter, the listening and the love.
