Wandering With Soul

08/05/2024

When real life is well real life I’m turning to drawing to take me away. This one took a few hours whilst listening to the TV. It’s very cathartic. 111 days til takeoff. Leon cathedral, thirteenth century Gothic style.

06/05/2024

CONCENTRATION

Practicing drawing the Camino Day 2 required quite a bit of concentration, as did climbing my steep hill paddock this evening in near dark to check on my actual horses. We are capable of much more than what our mind might tell us. Sometimes it just takes slowing down and not listening to the voices that say you shouldn’t. We flew into Madrid in 2014, a group of four. This year I’ll fly into Geneva, solo, but not alone.

05/05/2024

✍️ DRAWING ✍️

I’ve been walking quite a bit this week. In preparation for my long walk (90 days) in Europe later in the year. I intend to walk slowly, well not slowly, but rather consciously, including time to draw what I see along the way or when I stop for the day from the photos I take. So I’m going to prepare for that too by putting pen to paper to illustrate my last Camino in 2014. Technically there’s a lot ‘wrong’ with this picture but I enjoyed the process and quite like the result. Using one instrument to capture depth, shade, dimensions, feeling, colour is quite the challenge but it’s a great way to really think about what you’re doing. Nowhere to hide and no room for perfection. Walking and drawing is a thing, both bring me wonder and help me to understand what I am a part of and what I can create from that.

02/05/2024

LONGING

I have a longing inside me to go for a very long walk, not unlike my pup Ochre who just loves to be on the move. It’s just over 16 weeks til I embark on my very long walk. Four months seems an eon away but 16 weeks seems very close. Close enough to feel the pull, close enough to feel the inkling of nerves, far enough to be not close enough. I started to plan this week. Plan the route, which in reality has been planned for centuries, the route of ancient pilgrims. They say you can walk out your door from anywhere in Europe and walk to Santiago de Compostela. I will walk from Geneva until my legs won’t carry me any further, or for 90 days, whichever comes first. For now I watch and wait, and take long walks amongst Autumn leaves. This year I’ll get two Autumns! My favourite season of all. My other longing is to tell my late husband and my best friend all about it. One would think I was crazy and one would think I was brave. I think I’m both.

26/04/2024

I listen to a podcast called The Imperfects, it’s a fun but also meaningful look at mental health. This week Dr Emily spoke of Joy and how it is a decision we can make to seek it out. They also spoke of how often one finds Joy easier to find after the vulnerability of difficult events. I live this now. I loved this definition of Joy by JJ Arnett that they quoted:

Joy is a temporary feeling of elation combined with a sense that there is an ideal fit between ourselves and the world around us at that moment.

Temporary and ideal. Look for it. It’s still there, still everywhere, if you open your eyes and your soul. Or as my friend Jane Pike calls it ‘hunting the glimmerings’.

24/04/2024

RAMBLING

I’ve just finished listening to Rambling Man by Billy Connelly. Not the best book but it did ‘speak to me’. He spoke about being born a Rambler. I think this is me, and learning something about yourself through the words of others can be enlightening. A Rambling Man (woman) doesn’t choose travel as a way of life, it just is a part of them. It’s undeniably part of their soul. As a child I walked everywhere. Growing up barefoot in Darwin it was the only way to get around. I don’t ever remember catching a bus etc. To get to school or friends houses I walked, sometimes a bike ride but the choice was almost always by foot. When I got a dog I walked further. I’m finding it even more difficult to stay still these days. Can’t wait to start my next Ramble. There is a certain joy in exploring by foot.

22/04/2024

AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS

It’s not what you think, not the hard to broach subjects, but the ability to converse at all. Having just returned to the ‘office’ after a few years away I’m quite shocked how the dynamics have changed. It seems the one big thing humans pride themselves on, that higher intelligence that allows communication, that thing that sets us apart from all other species, is quickly disappearing. And trust me I’m not a big talker so it’s got to be weird for me to notice! Getting into an elevator where everyone just pretends like everyone else isn’t there. Like we’re all invisible. No wonder we all feel unseen and unheard. We blend into the walls. No one takes our order, no one acknowledges we exist, service rarely exists. We sit at desks, next to each other, with earphones on, in the same meeting, talking at each other instead of to each other. So today I talked to people, to strangers in elevators, because we can. Have you ever thought that for some people you might be the only person who acknowledges an existence in their whole day. So if you step into an elevator with me be prepared for a wild ride… I might just say something!

18/04/2024

This. Take care of you.

The word vitality stems from beautiful origins. It’s born from the latin word “vitalis”, which translates to “of or manifesting life” or “belonging to life”.

As part of our birthright, all of us hold the vibration of a vital essence.

If we describe someone as full of vitality, what is it we see?

We see the visible flow of life moving through them, making itself known as energy, passion, a vibrancy of spirit, both physically, mentally, and spiritually.

We see evidence of their heart smiling on the surface of their skin.

They seem… alive. Which, by default means when we lack vitality, we lack aliveness.

When we are vital, as the origin of the word suggest, we recognize we are of life, and creating life all at the same time. We recognize our connection.

We understand ourselves to be both created- of the world and connected to it- and creative- having the capacity to birth ideas and to grow and nurture them.

A system with vitality is a system that is adaptable. It has energy to expend because doing so does not lead to depletion. The resources are there to be used.

Which is why, tending to your strong and gentle self- physically, mentally, and emotionally- and following the things that you love…. These things need to be your highest priority.

Without a sense of your own vitality, you cannot be present in situations that require more of you.

You cannot be part of bigger global conversations.

And you cannot be a part of conversations with people or things you love who require strength and support.

Which is why tending to your own vitality is an action of everyday activism.

Tending to your own vitality gifts you with the capacity to be present in the midst of discomfort.

It allows to be able to turn towards it, instead of away from it.

It allows you to tend to what you love in order that you see and experience more of it.

If you haven’t been taking your own well-being seriously, now is the time to start.

Onwards.

♥️ Jane

13/04/2024

To have lost many in the past 18 months I am acutely aware of the narrative that exists around people dying and if in fact the body they were in was just a temporary vessel. Having been brought up in a faith, having let that go with anger, I have been able to make my own beliefs as an adult rather than those handed down to me by birthright. I believe everyone has the right to believe in what they want, and no one person’s truth is more valid than another’s. Now I am open to signs from people no longer here I see them everywhere. When I was closed to them I saw nothing. This orchid belonged to my dear friend and as I drove her home last night in the darkness, me driving, her on the passenger side I swear she danced to a song on the radio about Seasons, at the exact time we passed a road that held significance for her. She had not been able to dance, for many reasons, for a very long time. She is no longer trapped in a worldly body filled with pain. This is what I believe to be true for me today.

10/04/2024

INTO THE VOID

This week I lost my best friend to a long battle with cancer. Although we had plenty of time to prepare the end actually came quite quickly. We had a friendship that spanned decades. They come too infrequently these types of connections. Different to a friendship forged in childhood, where as you age you may drift into life in different directions. We met as adults, I had just left school and having not got the grades to get into Vet Science (just) I joined the industry as a vet nurse. She had done the same and our friendship was forged on our mutual love of animals. I had such admiration for her, a few years my senior, she had horses, a house, her dogs, she was my hero! Through the years we shared travels to USA including the wilds of Alaska, Canada, the Camino but at separate times, NZ, and lots of beach trips in recent times. I was there for her when her life was hard, in many ways, and she for me especially when my husband died. To lose them both in 18 months is unimaginable but I will keep going. Into the void.

07/04/2024

DECIDUOUS

I wonder what it feels like to be deciduous?
Does the young slender sapling fear her first winter
Stripped bare for all to see.
Exposed to elements and judgment, not like the Evergreens.
Does she come to understand the seasons
With each frost against her nakedness bringing her strength.
As she grows does she begin to welcome the shedding of tarnished leaves
Or does part of her cling to what she knows.
As the winters come and go does she wish she first arrived in petals
Or do these new but familiar angular leaves feel most comfortable.
Into her hundreds she ages
Used to what comes next
She stands tall and naked and fearless
A knowing that every year she gets to start again.
I wonder what it feels like to be deciduous?

05/04/2024

I could just play this song on loop. The rhythm, the melodies, the words, the intention. Just hits me in the feels.

05/04/2024

AN UNCONVENTIONAL EASTER

Part of my rambling soul longs to wander far and wide, but life often anchors us to place and things, people and relationships, to traditions and norms, to expected behaviours and patterns. All these things wrap us in familiarity and often in a sense of safety. It can be hard to step outside this comfort, to seek adventure. As to dive in might see us hit overwhelm, create a sense fear of the unknown, falter, quiver, fail. So instead I take small steps. Peak just outside the bubble to see the sunrise from a different perspective. To see long shadows form in new arenas. Easter for me was a 600km round trip solo to watch a friend compete on her horse, to explore the surrounding towns, to share a meal with strangers and new friends, to sleep out amongst the stars, cocooned in comforts from home. I loved it, other than the sense that I felt that it would’ve been an even better walk!

27/03/2024

IF NOT NOW THEN WHEN?

We are so conditioned to the working life that if feels like a guilty pleasure to pursue our dreams and aspirations. That we should only focus on those things when all the work is done. It’s a really hard box to break out of. After all, the sun rises every morning and there will always be time for that later. Due to recent life events I am acutely aware that we don’t all get the next sunrise, and if we don’t make time for pleasure, and adventure and whimsy then some of us will pass through and beyond our days without ever having that chance. So I will attempt, without guilt, to pursue that which many do not get to do.

25/03/2024

SURVIVAL

I took my first solo bush walk yesterday in a relatively remote area I’d not been to before. It’s interesting where my head can go on these isolated paths. I’m not practiced in these ways yet. I’d be lying if I said the stories of crimes of opportunity against women don’t surface. But it happens sometimes. Instead of dwelling on these things I remind myself that the journey to the trail head by car is much more likely to end badly than the walk itself, yet I drive every day without a second thought because I am practiced at that. So I seek beauty to distract me and get down on my knees to snap a photo of this tiny purple daisy. She’s a rare Australian native called the Red Rock Daisy. I wish I was more like her. She doesn’t think of the what if’s. She sets seed, stretches her roots into the rocks and thrives. I take my strength from her strength and truly appreciate her resilience.

23/03/2024

IT TAKES PRACTICE

Like any new skill, solo travel takes practice. Like any new skill there will be a messy middle. There will be times, like this image, where the skies are clear in all directions and it’s so smooth you wonder at just how amazing it is that you and a few hundred other people can be in a massive chunk of metal in the sky and be perfectly safe. Then there times, like the landing at the other end, where there were some very strong cross winds and we dipped and shimmied onto the tarmac and you wonder how you and a few hundred other people can be in a massive chunk of metal in the sky and be perfectly safe. Both are true. It just depends which one you focus on. This week I took trips on planes, trains and automobiles (remember that movie? I love Steve Martin!) and even though on each part of the journey I had moments of ‘anxiety’ or perhaps angst is a better way to describe the little jitters in my chest, I choose to focus on the privilege and desire to see new places and do new things more. There’s a jitter in my chest then too. It’s called Excitement.

18/03/2024

THE NEXT HALF STEP

My beautiful friend Jane Pike from Confident Rider speaks of this. When you’re feeling down or in a pickle, break it all down to what is the next half step you can take. This morning I had a very big cry, a weeping, blubbering let all out cry for my best friend who is battling cancer. Then I let the office know I’d work from home as there was no pleasantries left in me for idle office chatter. It was the right call as at one point in the day I got so frustrated with the formatting in a presentation I was working on I beat my fists with vigour on the desk til the dogs barked! They thought someone was at the door. Stand down I yelled it’s just me! I got up and took all 6 of them for a run in the paddock. We all felt better that we had our zoomies out. I closed out the day by taking each of my precious ponies out for their first week in our new neighbourhood one by one. I reminded myself I only moved here two months ago, that it’s been the best move ever but any move is a big uplift. The old ponies went for a decent 2 km walk each and the young fillies went down the driveway and across the road to wink at the handsome gelding across the road. My yearling was fabulous and stayed focused on me even when my gelding ran down our 200m driveway at full gallop to make sure she wasn’t actually wooing the handsome gelding, and once satisfied, galloped all the way away from us. She did a little snort and stood her tail up like a princess and stayed completely in control. So a tough start melted away to a day still filled with beauty and opportunity. As they do. More hard days will come, as they do. But I’ll just remind myself all about those little half steps.

17/03/2024

THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT HORSES

Those that know know. Those that don’t may not understand. For me, sometimes I feed my soul with horses. So it is was so yesterday. After a very difficult 24 hours, when just walking it off couldn’t soothe my sadness I sought the comfort of my herd. To sit on the grass, high on my hill, overlooking my valley, with my herd at my feet I found my solace. The difficulties had not passed, but moved through. I think that’s why I like wandering so much. It’s a connection of the body to the ground, the Earth, nature. So I wandered the hills, my hills, with my herd, and came back to myself. Breathing in each others energy.

15/03/2024

THEIR STORIES

Their stories are not my stories
But they long to be told.
Their stories were trapped
In minds and in bodies.
Their stories are not my stories
But they were true for them.
Their stories were often heroic
But also tainted by shame.
Their stories held meaning beyond what they understood to be true.
We can still learn from them.
Their stories can no longer walk forward with them.
But their stories can walk forward with me.
Their stories can still be told.
I hold their stories close, but not hidden.
I will be their storyteller
Because they no longer can.

15/03/2024

Fitness is relative.

15/03/2024

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND

I do not understand why a pretty pink floral dress in my wardrobe is marked for funerals.
I do not understand how one day you can be talking to someone and the next day you can’t.
I do not understand why sometimes love cannot overcome all obstacles.
I do not understand why my rocks are crumbling.
I do not understand why I hide my tears behind sunglasses.
But I do understand that I am still here.

12/03/2024

STAY ON TRACK

Life often brings changes in roles.

Sometimes we resist them. Sometimes we embrace them. Sometimes we have no choice but to suck it and see! I’m currently embarking on a new job on top of my new personal role as a widow and a single parent. And even though I’m a Change Manager by training, so I’m good at change; I am not a great planner! I’d say I’m more of a jump in and do it kind of gal. A ‘fill the gaps as we go’ champion. A ‘let’s do this’ ambassador.

By chance, not by choice, I do now have some new found freedom with being solo. I can just make decisions. I no longer have to check if it’s ok with anyone. This freedom adds whimsy, but it also adds wobbles. There is no longer a voice of reason, no longer someone to rein me in, no one to bounce ideas off, no one to talk some sense. No one to say NO. No one to keep me on track. It’s all me. My sole responsibility. My soul responsibility.

So today I took action against the wobbles. I started reviewing blogs and videos of the travels of others on the same Camino I will be embarking on. For those of you unfamiliar with the term - a Camino is an ancient pilgrimage, a journey towards, a soulful wandering. As I delve deep into the research I am picking up lessons learned, must do’s, variations, words of warning. Learning a new language as I go. The language of The Way. There are nearly as many opinions of the ‘right way’ as there are Ways to walk! Today I learned about a ‘bifurcacion’ to an old French town on the River Rhone; of a 16th century castle where you can stay overnight. Imagine that!

I may have missed some of these wonders without this dive down the rabbit hole. But I hold true to my aim to not follow their exact path, but to simply keep myself on track. To have an intention and a direction of travel. To build my own dream, my own way.

My outward flight is booked. From where I will return remains unknown. So now I feel more excitement than apprehension. This is a good thing.

10/03/2024

WOBBLES

Sea kayaks can bounce around in the waves. There is a degree of skill involved in staying upright. I say that like I’m some sort of expert, but that’s far from the truth. I think I’ve kayaked maybe four times in my 50 years and never on the sea. I am most definitely a beginner in the art of kayaking!

The Pelorus Sound in New Zealand was a fabulous and forgiving sea for me to dip back into. She rocked me gently, and at times, if I closed my eyes, I felt cradled like a child being nursed into slumber by someone who loved me.

As we ventured further from shore the wind picked up to a bit more than a breeze sending tiny waves that broke at the bow, sending little ripples of white sea spray over my bare legs. The wobbles appeared. Use your horse riding skills, I chided myself, stay centred, engage your core! In my mind I desperately wanted to avoid an unplanned dismount and a cool dip. Not from fear itself, I can swim, I had a life jacket on, I was with others. I knew it was cold but not death defyingly so. I had already plunged into her vast blueness and it was truly invigorating, but I prefer it on my terms. The fear lay in the loss of control, for me it’s always about the control.

I could glide around the edges of the Sound without this fear of capsizing, but I must admit even the little waves gave me some inner wobbles. Breathe, centre, you’re ok I told my conscious brain. My unconscious brain was not always convinced.

So the Sound sent me a seal. A seal in the wild is the epitome of being at one with nature. In my dream of dreams I’d love to see an orca, a whale, but who am I kidding, a seal is far less confronting. She seemed young and curious but wary. She bobbed up to see who these strange creatures in brightly coloured plastic vessels were and then dove into her ocean and was gone. It reminded me that sometimes to experience life in all its wonder we have step or even float outside our comfort zones into the vast unknown.

This experience was the icing on the cake of a fabulous trip. A soul enriching retreat after I’d just completed my first solo hike on The Queen Charlotte Track in NZ. My first trip alone since my husband died. It was not a technically difficult hike but it was a big step, and lots of them, to actually get myself there mentally as well as the physical achievement of getting to the end. No mean feat. No sore feet! Solo was different, but not difficult. Being surrounded by nature I never felt alone.

So with that under my belt you would think I’d be full of confidence and ready to tackle my next big adventure in Europe, but yet here I am with the wobbles.

These wobbles will pass as I navigate the planning stages. Just enough planning to know what my aim is, but not so much as to avoid leaning in to giving up the control that exists inside the notion of an adventure. I remind myself that I can do hard things and it’s ok to be scared, and that fear and excitement can sometimes feel the same in our bodies and the perception of what is true lies in the stories that we tell ourselves. Onwards. One step at a time.