The Loss of a Child

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The Loss of a Child Grief is not a road one should travel alone...

Powerful read…especially this time of year!! 💔💕💔
23/12/2021

Powerful read…especially this time of year!! 💔💕💔

Me: Hey God.

God: Hey John.

Me: Can you end my grief?

God: I could - but why?

Me: So I can stop being overwhelmed by my sadness.

God: There is something worse than grief.

Me: What's that?

God: Feeling nothing. Let grief come. Let it stay as long as it needs to. Let it go. Let it come back. It's all a process. It's all a slow boil.

Me: So my grief will never end?

God: Not as long as you love the one who is gone. But that doesn't mean that your grief won't take 1000 different forms. Sometimes your grief will look like clouds in the sky or tears on your pillow or memories in your mind. Grief is formless. It will come and go like the tide. Don't fight it. Don't race through it. Don't let other people tell you how to grieve. Your grief is your own. Honor your grief.

Me: How do I honor my grief?

God: Grab a pen and write down what I'm about to tell you.

*****

when somebody else tries
to tell you how you should grieve

smile and forgive them
through your watering eyes

and then imagine
how lonely it must be
to be the person who
audits the tears
of other people

the well-intended
will tell you how
long you should miss
your beloved

but

you take your time

grief is a hedge maze
and being lost inside of it

is more than okay

don't race through
your heartache

because you might
just miss a miracle
or two

in the teardrops rolling
down your face

don't grieve quickly
just to make somebody
else feel better

if you need to,
let your grief
become a coral reef

let the algae of your hurt
slowly form over the years
into the softest violet hue of heaven

it can take two lifetimes to recover

when our beloved becomes
an empty chair

it's okay

take as much time
as you need

your healing is your healing

and the scars of absence
will itch longer than you can imagine

but that is because you
risked to love so deeply

and that is far better than
the alternative

I am proud of you

and the courage it
takes for you to grieve
so fearlessly

don't listen to those
who want you to go back
to normal

normal will never exist again
for those of us who have
lost a part of our heart

if the moon broke in half
would it feel normal?

to hell with normal

normal was their scent on your collar
normal was their voice resting in your ear
normal was their touch on your skin

you have a new normal

it's looking at the shape of clouds
for messages from the great beyond
that your beloved is fine

you have a new normal

it's building a cabin in
the woods of your memory
where you and your beloved
can meet for lunch

you have a new normal

it's crying and laughing
at the same time
whenever their favorite
song plays on the radio

grief isn't the enemy
of life

numbness is

don't become numb to your suffering

welcome it in
and let it wrap you
up like a blanket

whenever it shows up
at your door

it's okay

I swear

it's okay

your beloved misses you just
as much as you miss them

and someday
you two will
get all tangled up
together again

someday
you two will
push each on a
swing again under
a shower of falling blooms

and someday
you two will ride
comets together
on the edge of everything

and someday
you two will giggle
at all of the people
who tried to tell you

how to grieve

~ john roedel (johnroedel.com)

15/02/2021
💔💔💔
17/12/2020

💔💔💔

As the holidays approach, this road only seems to get longer! 💔💔💔
16/12/2020

As the holidays approach, this road only seems to get longer! 💔💔💔

"I am a mother. I am a bereaved mother. My child died, and this is my reluctant path. It is not a path of my choice, but...
09/11/2020

"I am a mother.

I am a bereaved mother.

My child died, and this is my reluctant path.

It is not a path of my choice, but it is a path I must walk mindfully and with intention. It is a journey through the darkest night of my soul and it will take time to wind through the places that scare me.

Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my beloved child. On days when grief is loud, I may be impatient, distracted, frustrated, and unfocused. I may get angry more easily and I may seem hopeless. I will shed many, many, many tears. I won’t smile as often as my old self. Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing.

But please, just sit beside me.

Say nothing.

Do not offer a cure.
Or a pill, or a word, or a potion.
Witness my suffering and don't turn away from me.

Please be gentle with me.
And I will try to be gentle with me too.

I will not ever "get over" my child's death so please don’t urge me down that path.

Even on days when grief is quiescent, when it isn't standing loudly in the foreground, even on days when I am even able to smile again, the pain is just beneath the surface.

There are day when I still feel paralyzed. My chest feels the sinking weight of my child's absence and, sometimes, I feel as if I will explode from the grief.

Losing my child affects me in so many ways: as a woman, a mother, a human being. It affects every aspect of me: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are days when I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore.

Grief is as personal to me as my fingerprint. Don't tell me how I should or shouldn’t be grieving or that I should or shouldn’t “feel better by now.” Don't tell me what's right or wrong. I'm doing it my way, in my time. If I am to survive this, I must do what is best for me.

My understanding of life will change and a different meaning of life will slowly evolve. What I knew to be true or absolute or real or fair about the world has been challenged so I'm finding my way, moment-to-moment in this new place. Things that once seemed important to me are barely thoughts any longer. I notice life's suffering more— hungry children, the homeless and the destitute, a mother’s harsh voice toward her young child- or an elderly person struggling with the door- abused animals crying out in pain.

There are so many things about the world which I now struggle to understand: Why do children die? There are some questions, I've learned, which are simply unanswerable.

So please don’t tell me that “God has a plan” for me. This, my friend, is between me and my God. Those platitudes slip far too easily from the mouths of those who tuck their own child into a safe, warm bed at night: Can you begin to imagine your own child, flesh of your flesh, lying lifeless in a casket, when “goodbye” means you’ll never see them on this Earth again? Grieving mothers— and fathers— and grandparents— and siblings and partners won’t wake up one day with everything ’okay’ and life back to normal. I have a new normal now.

As time passes, I may discover gifts, and treasures, and insights but anything gained was too high a cost when compared to what was lost.

Perhaps, one day, when I am very, very old, I will say that time has truly helped to heal my broken heart. But always remember that not a second of any minute of any hour of any day passes when I am not aware of the presence of my child's absence, no matter how many years lurk over my shoulder.

So don’t forget that I have a child whose absence, like the sky, is spread over everything as C.S. Lewis said.

Don’t forget to say, “How are you really feeling...?” Don’t forget that even if I do have living children, my heart still aches for the one who is not here— for I am never quite complete without my child.

My child may have died but my love — and my motherhood— never will."

-Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
(Art: Woman with Dead Child, 1903, by Käthe Kollwitz, herself a bereaved mother and grandmother. She is my favorite-ever artist).

EVER!!!
24/06/2020

EVER!!!

None of us want to be in this awful club!!
05/05/2020

None of us want to be in this awful club!!

Ryland Robert Reel
05/05/2020

Ryland Robert Reel

True fact!!
28/03/2020

True fact!!

Couldn't have said it better myself...THIS has become the normal for those of us that have lost a child...
26/03/2020

Couldn't have said it better myself...THIS has become the normal for those of us that have lost a child...

What is Normal after your child dies?
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile because your child is missing from all the important events in your life.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything anymore.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving the day your child died, continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of your "normal."

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your childs's memory and their birthdays and survive these days.

Normal is a heart warming and yet sinking feeling at the sight of something special your child loved.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention your child.

Normal is making sure that others remember your child.

Normal is everyone else eventually going on with their lives.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to your loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.

Normal is realizing you do cry everyday.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone except someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with other grieving parents.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours.

Normal is learning to lie to everyone you meet and telling them you are fine. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable if you cry. You've learned it's easier to lie to them then to tell them the truth that you still feel empty and lost.

And last of all...

Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal."

12/03/2020

Since shutting down the original site, I have joined other grief support groups here on FB, and I can tell you, they can be immensely healing...IF YOU ARE READY!! I have always said as horrific as my loss is, and as much as I hate the fact that my baby is gone, I know there are people out there with a much worse reality. What could be worse than losing a child, some may ask...how about losing 2, or 3, or 4 of your children? I know they tell us that God only gives us what we can handle, but, I truly don't think I would have survived had I lost my oldest in the wreck that night, or any time afterward...he has become my saving Grace in more ways than I think he will ever realize!! So...if you would like a couple of suggestions on other grief support groups (some are more engaging than others) just to help you get through the day, please IM me...you don't have to engage at all, you can simply read through some of other parents stories and only engage when and if you want...it truly can be therapeutic!! Wishing you peace, if only for a moment!!

I saw this today and couldn't help but share....it explains the pain of grief so well!!
20/02/2020

I saw this today and couldn't help but share....it explains the pain of grief so well!!

24/12/2019

Christmas Time… Leave a Comment I realize I have been absent for a little while, and I do apologize. It’s been a trying couple of months for me…things are changing in my life, and I am not coping as well as I think I should be, and that’s been a hard pill for me to swallow. With that being s...

26/10/2019

Downtime??? Leave a Comment As I have said before, October and November have seemed to become my decompression months, for whatever reason. The first week of October I headed to what I can only describe as my version of paradise to spend my week basking in the sun, walking the beach, watching the in...

27/09/2019

The Boys of Fall….. Leave a Comment Summer has come and gone and fall is upon us. Warm days, cool nights, school year beginning, last firsts for kids as well as parents, homecoming dances, and, of course, football games. I live in a place within earshot of the high school, so I get to hear a play ...

13/09/2019

Just No Words… Leave a Comment The video below was made by a very dear friend of mine and I can’t thank her enough for the time, effort, and love she put into this so many years ago… It’s been a rough month and I don’t know how to explain it…I just know that right now, I need a little mo...

16/08/2019

It’s been…. Leave a Comment I’ve learned to embrace my age and not worry about the number…we can’t fix it or change it right?? I don’t wish to go back to my teens, or my 20’s, or my 30’s, or anywhere but ONE day..ONE day I wish to go back to that would change the lives of so many!! I...

09/08/2019

Saddening…. Leave a Comment Last week I wrote about how the world had changed in the last 10 years, and this week has been another harsh jolt into reality as to just how cruel the world has become… Two mass killings in a matter of 24 hours…..El Paso, Texas and Dayton, Ohio….two madmen that w...

02/08/2019

A Different World…. Leave a Comment The world has changed so much since Ryland died….yes, my world changed that night, but I mean the entire world. Things aren’t the same as they were 10 years ago. The kids he went to school with are now young adults, graduating college, getting married, havin...

19/07/2019

Foreseen??? Leave a Comment Guilt, by definition, is the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime. But what if there was no real “crime”, what if the guilt goes deeper than that…what if the guilt lies within your heart and soul? When the accident happened I was engulfed...

12/07/2019

August Approaches….. Leave a Comment Each year as the month of August approaches, and the day Ryland passed draws closer, so many things come rushing to the surface. I find myself thrust back to that tragic day, rehashing it over and over in my mind like it was yesterday. The tears flow a little h...

28/06/2019

A Better Place…. Leave a Comment I’ve always kept my relationship with the man upstairs between me and Him, never really felt it was anyone’s business. I am not preaching or trying to push my faith on anyone, simply stating what I believe. Not everyone will agree with me in this post, and that...

21/06/2019

Loss of a sibling…. Leave a Comment I know it’s changing gears a bit, but it’s been weighing heavily on my mind this week because yesterday marked the 1 year anniversary (I don’t understand why it’s called that…I see an anniversary as something to celebrate, and, in my eyes, death is not...

14/06/2019

Father’s Day….. Leave a Comment I spoke with a friend (who also gave me the meme at the bottom of this post…thank you R.M.

07/06/2019

Summer Leave a Comment Summer is approaching and as much as I enjoy the warm weather, it brings a coldness back into my heart. A flood of memories of the last summer I spent with Ryland. I look back at the pictures of one of the last times we went and spent the day just having fun. I remember that d...

31/05/2019

Graduation… Leave a Comment Graduation brings a slew of posts, pictures, high fives, and proud moments for most parents. But to the one that has lost a child, it brings a flood of memories, sadness, tears, and a conflict between our heart and our mind. We want, and deep down we truly are, happy fo...

17/05/2019

Strong… Leave a Comment After a loss, everyone seems to feel the need to tell you how strong you are and how they “can’t imagine how you do it on a daily basis.” What they don’t realize is there’s really no choice but to be strong when you lose a child. They don’t see the crying in the...

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