12/02/2015
Los Angeles is a nice place to visit—if you don’t enrage the locals by saying any of these 15 things.
1. Oh, look, there’s someone famous! Quick, get a selfie.
When you live in Los Angeles, it’s very likely you’ll see a Kardashian walking out of a 24-hour pharmacy at odd hours. Why? Because they don’t want to be bothered. Leave. The. Famous. People. Alone.
2. Do you have a medical ma*****na card?
If you want w**d, just ask for w**d—no one is interested in having the medical ma*****na card talk. Again.
3. Does everyone here have surgically enhanced—um—assets?
Well, pretty much, yes.
4. Can I crash on your couch?
For one night? Sure. But Angelenos get asked this a lot, so if you’re staying any longer (especially if you’re not just visiting), offer us payment or barter. Rent is expensive and most of us are struggling actors, writers or musicians. Better yet, opt for a hotel.
5. Let’s go somewhere cheap for brunch—like Venice Beach.
Venice might have a gritty, bohemian veneer, but don’t be fooled. While cheap eats do exist, beware that you could easily drop a very gracious hundy at “100% organic plant-based” places like Café Gratitude—mostly because you’ll want to try all the weird stuff. Like the “NOURISHED” dish featuring gluten-free sourdough French toast, sautéed kale, chipotle coconut bacon, and cashew cream. Also? Brunch around here is a nice way of saying let’s go day-drinking.
6. I live in Los Angeles…well, Orange County.
Ain’t nothin’ wrong with the OC, but let’s be clear: It’s not L.A.
7. How do I get to the subway?
There’s a good chance you’ll be directed to a sandwich shop. (Not that anyone here eats sandwiches.)
8. To hell with Phil Jackson!
No, no, no! Angelenos love Phil Jackson—and would pay a lawn-watering tax if he came back to coach the Lakers. Please come back, Phil, please!
9. Let’s go to that one Mexican restaurant in Los Fuh-leez.
Yes, that would seem like the logical way to say “Los Feliz,” especially because Mexicans basically settled Los Angeles. But it’s Los FEE-liss. Prepare yourself for bar conversations around this mispronunciation.
10. Man, I love the Giants.
Any card-carrying Angeleno worships the L.A. Dodgers, not the San Francisco Giants—especially pitcher Clayton Kershaw, even when he’s having a sucky season. Also Vin Scully—the announcer to top all other MLB announcers—because he’ll be the first one to point out if Kershaw is having a sucky season.
11. My friend told me about this great taco/burger/Thai place.
Every Angeleno knows the best taco/burger/Thai place. None of us agree, but we’re all right and willing to bet our reputations on it. Only transplants agree on the best places—that’s how you can tell us apart.
12. Can you pick me up at LAX at 5:30 p.m. and drive me to the Valley?
Let me think about that for a second. No.
13. Just take the 5 to the 10 to the 101…
Never, ever tell an Angeleno how to get somewhere. Not even your clever little “shortcuts,” which are why even the shortcuts aren’t really shortcuts anymore.
14. That’s so gross that you guys drive everywhere.
What’s gross is that syrupy fluid you just sat in on the bus that kept you waiting for three hours, and then only got you within two miles of where you wanted to go. And cabs? Those were hardly legal in this town until a few years ago. Besides, unless you’re at LAX or Union Station, you’ll probably spot Johnny Depp before you spot a taxi when you actually need one.
15. They said they’d come tonight. They’ll be here.
Welcome to L.A., the Land of Empty Promises. On the flipside, some Angelenos are so fed up with the flakiness that they’ve become hardcore loyalists to combat the stereotype. It’s true what they say—it’s hard to make real friends in L.A.—so when you find good people, show up on time and hold onto them for dear life. Or offer them your medical ma*****na card....
