Jokes Quotes And Other Drugs

16/01/2016

President: "Secretary! Nice to see you. What's happening?"
Secretary: "Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China."
President: "Great. Lay it on me."
Secretary: "'Hu' is the new leader of China."
President: "That's what I want to know."
Secretary: "That's what I'm telling you."
President: "That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?"
Secretary: "Yes."
President: "I mean the fellow's name."
Secretary: "Hu."
President: "The guy in China."
Secretary: "Hu."
President: "The new leader of China."
Secretary: "Hu."
President: "The Chinaman!"
Secretary: "Hu is leading China."
President: "Now whaddya' asking me for?"
Secretary: "I'm telling you Hu is leading China."
President: "Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?"
Secretary: "That's the man's name."
President: "That's who's name?"
Secretary: "Yes."
President: "Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?"
Secretary: "Yes, sir."
President: "Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East."
Secretary: "That's correct."
President: "Then who is in China?"
Secretary: "Yes, sir."
President: "Yassir is in China?"
Secretary: "No, sir."
President: "Then who is?"
Secretary: "Yes, sir."
President: "Yassir?"
Secretary: "No, sir."
President: "Look, Secretary. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone."
Secretary: "Kofi?"
President: "No, thanks."
Secretary: "You want Kofi?"
President: "No."
Secretary: "You don't want Kofi."
President: "No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N."
Secretary: "Yes, sir."
President: "Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N."
Secretary: "Kofi?"
President: "Milk! Will you please make the call?"
Secretary: "And call who?"
President: "Who is the guy at the U.N?"
Secretary: "Hu is the guy in China."
President: "Will you stay out of China?!"
Secretary: "Yes, sir."
President: "And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N."
Secretary: "Kofi."
President: "All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone."
Secretary (picks up the phone): "Rice, here."
President: "Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?"

14/11/2015

Yup!

28/09/2015

13/06/2015

05/06/2015

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their s*x life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about s*x."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"

05/06/2015

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line!"

05/06/2015

In biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?" Little Johnny raises his hand.
"Go ahead, Little Johnny."
"My uncle told me it's because a whale r***d the flounder."
"That's terrible, Little Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"
Again Little Johnny raises his hand.
"We'll give you another chance."
"My uncle said when the whale r***d the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock."

05/06/2015

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend thatafter dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited you're going to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute! then passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

05/06/2015

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me.

She takes her finger, pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She then pushes her knee and screams, and pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

05/06/2015

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

05/06/2015

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be stupid if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike."

05/06/2015

In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel,the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

1) The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

3) The American thought - "That Freaking Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

4) The Canadian thought - "I hope there is another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again."

05/06/2015

A young Newfoundlander moves to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Newfoundland." Well, the boss liked the Newfoundland kid (of course) so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, $101,237.64."

The boss says $101,237.64? What did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing."

27/05/2015

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH:
1.) Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
2.) ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color
3.) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
4.) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
5.) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
6.) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
7.) Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, or the shotgun formation.
8.) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9.) Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
10.) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11.) You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
12.) Crying is blackmail.
13.) Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
14.) No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark Anniversaries on the calendar.
15.) Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
16.) Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
17.) Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
18.) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
19.) Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
20.) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
21.) Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.
22.) Check your oil.
23.) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
24.) No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
25.) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
26.) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
27.) Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
28.) You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.
29.) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
30.) If it itches, it will be scratched.
31.) Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
32.) If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping!

27/05/2015

Man comes home from work, his wife has her bags packed and she's ready to leave. He says to her, " where are you going ? "
she says, " I found out that in las vegas i can make $400.00 a day,doing what i do for you for nothing ! "
He says " just wait i'm coming with you "
"why ? " she asks.
to which he replies," I want to see how you live on $ 800.00 a year ! "

27/05/2015

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"

27/05/2015

A woman died and was sent to heaven.
One day while she was walking around on the clouds of heaven she saw God. She walked towards him and she stopped to talk to him.
She only wanted to ask one question of him.
So she asked, "Why did you create man before women?"
God looked down on her, placed his hand on her head and explained, "Every good design needs a rough draft!!"

Woh.. Not bad..

27/05/2015

13/05/2015

We all been through it...

13/05/2015

Well hello there...

13/05/2015

Love has no aim
Love needs no gain
Love is no game
Love fly higher then any plane
Love hides all pain
Love gets you laid
And when it is all set and done

Love remains. Even when the drugs wear off.

13/05/2015

�

06/02/2015

Monday Maybe??

05/02/2015

Too Soon mayBE?

05/02/2015

Warning!!! Warning!!! Warning!!!

Ammm No?

22/01/2015

If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds just like Pac-Man.

04/01/2015

W**d and alcohol. Awesome. Happy New world. . .

30/12/2014

In a blink of an eye. . .

24/12/2014

The 3 stages of life:

1) You believe in Santa Claus!

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus!

3) You are Santa Claus!