16/02/2024
Good news, I've been going through an existential crisis and that’s why you can trust me.
I’m sharing this as a part of my journey with grief and also for those who may be navigating similar feelings of hopelessness, despair, nothingness, and unworthiness, especially in this climate of social media, performance, and striving to be “something” and also for those who may have gone through a major loss or crises.
My crisis hit Monday morning while I was casually hanging out my clothes to dry, my thoughts of despair and questioning what is the point of all this, why are we even alive were flooding my mind. I wanted to run away from these thoughts, they were bleak, dark, and heading to a dead end of nihilism, where I had rejected all religious, and spiritual principles and felt the meaning of life was meaningless.
The aversion to these thoughts was just as strong as the sensation to explore them with curiosity and observation.
As uncomfortable as it was I sat with these feelings and thoughts in silence and stillness, I mean what’s the worst thing that can happen, I die. As I pondered on these thoughts my Mum close to her passing came flooding into my mind, it was a harsh reality that there may be absolutely nothing after we die, everything we do, say, and contribute is meaningless, and if that is the case why bother?
I asked myself what even brought this questioning on, and it was the blank space I felt on Monday morning, this would be the time I’d get on the blower with Mum and banter about the weekend, and life, and enjoy a general check-in. What was left was a blank space replaced with something else. I felt confused and my thoughts were spiralling.
The feeling that this life is one big cosmic joke, we live we die, and is that it. We are all wearing masks to protect the deeper feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness. Pretending to be happy and creating a persona that is acceptable and presentable. I also felt that every relationship is a mirror, everything we experience is filtered through our unprocessed trauma, so everything is only subject to our own experience making nothing really real. We are all acting to protect ourselves from our worst fears which ultimately are the driving factors in every decision we make. We are all acting and functioning from our wounds. Deep Huh,
But remember this is a description of my existential crises, yours will be different and I encourage you to explore it with as much loving kindness as possible, and if you need support reach out.
But as I sat in this deep contemplation, people reached out with words of wisdom, at that time I couldn't hear what they were saying, some mentioned Nietzsche’s line of thoughts where one believes god has been stripped away through modern society left with no real values or morals, some advising I keep myself busy and keep occupied, every part of me rejects that idea (but it works for some), and some trying to help me find meaning in both lines of thought were if we die then we die and if there is a an afterlife that good too.
I sat in all of this, what am I feeling, I asked myself. I am feeling fear, absolute terror. It’s in every cell of my body, especially in my belly and chest. Terror about what, Terror that I won’t exist, the terror that I mean nothing, that I have no impact or relevance, and that I don’t matter, my life is meaningless, small, and insignificant! Whoa.
At that point I felt I needed to have a break from my existential crises and go to the gym, I knew it would be patiently waiting for me when I got back home 🙂
I was driving to the gym and the insight started to flood through, I looked around, we are all energy, we vibrate, resonate, and we are alive. The Buddhist philosophy of cause and effect came to mind, I was envisioning waves and ripples effects, the moon, the sun, and the entire universe, and then I felt a deep sigh of relief as my entire being sunk into the knowing we are all connected, everything we do, say, feel and think emanates out into the universe rippling out to the ones closest to us, our community the planet and the entire universe.
The reality the umbilical cord from Mum is no longer and now I must make my connection to the source. Of course, I am having an Existency C.
I arrived home from the gym, now I was in a clearer headspace, I asked, but what about not existing, what about if we are really all hiding from the truth? WHAT IS THE TRUTH? Then I received a YouTube video about Near Death Experiences, stories from those who have crossed over and are still alive to speak of their experience.
As I began to watch the video a few things stood out, one was that this man was describing the illusion of self, that we have projected an idea of who we are to understand the human experience, he called himself Bob here on this earth, but in the truth he is so much more than bob, his name helps him identify the human experience. It also helps him identify as an individual, different from everyone else, separate. We could not distinguish our individuality without it. All part of the game we play in returning home to unity, source, and divinity.
I then began to think back to the thought around wearing masks and forging an identity, and what if behind the masks was an oneness, a collective energy that was the divine essence of all beings. My thoughts were not so bleak after all but heading me in the right direction, I had to discover and experience the bleakness of meaninglessness to reveal the magnificence of everythingness. Is that even a word?
I could also see and feel that our humanness is part of the journey home, our humanness or human body is the vessel of our divine spark. Each is just as important, equal value, like my shadow is as important as my light, without judgment or ridicule I am both these elements.
So I sit here today 5 days later writing and sharing my experience as I hope it gives you hope in dark times. The moments where I felt that life was being torn apart, everything that I believed was a lie, and questioning my whole existence, and even at some point I felt my mind crack wide open and I guess for some this may escalate into a mental break down, but that’s ok, cause if we bravely sit with it it will be your breakthrough, your way through, your way home.
Existential crises are a breakdown of all that we thought was and is, it is a full evaluation of life and our existence. We need to be shaken up now and then, otherwise we become complacent. I feel brand new, revived, as I've just come outta the washing machine, hanging out to dry and basking in the new vision of the sunlight, our divinity.
I ask that you trust in your process of questioning and that you dare to feel the ickiness of what you fear. Label it if you like but also be brave and ask for support and help through these major life transitions, and developmental stages. These Rites of passage show us the way to greater wisdom and growth, they don’t stop in our teenage years, they follow us all the way home to our creator. Birth and death are the beginning and ending, over and over in one human life.
It takes a lot of energy to push all feelings aside, and it does work for some time but eventually, these feelings will ask for your attention, they will beg you to in various ways, if unnoticed for they eventually cause DIS-EASE, addiction, forcing us to take action or not.
Before this happens I encourage you to sit quietly and be with yourself, be with all the discomfort, pain, shame, and guilt, know that you will only reveal what you can handle and honestly if it’s too much reach out for support, many modalities can be of great service as we navigate life's journey
I’m rambling now. It’s getting boring and I’m overwriting, hungry, and just want to play!
Love you.
