Pulse of My Heart: One Couple Survives a Wife's Failing Heart

01/04/2022

Through each of the years after Patty had her heart attack in 2004, I was plagued by not-infrequent horrific (and, at times, violent) nightmares, one of which I describe in graphic detail in "Pulse of My Heart." Whenever I awakened, I felt overjoyed, often to the point of tears, to find out these were only dreams and not reality. I even begged Patty to somehow help me figure out how to make these and other dreams stop, especially through the chaotic last two years of our life together. I found sleep--of all things--exhausting. We so often talked about getting me therapy, but life has a tendency to get in the way.

Fast forward to the past few weeks, and it strikes me as darkly ironic that I've been relishing a series of warm, wonderful dreams in which many deep emotional hurdles and other traumas have been swept away. In these dreams, I feel wholly and unconditionally treasured and, although Patty is still gone in these dreams, I feel I can somehow grieve "safely" and move along, in peace, with whatever the rest of my life holds.

And, of course, I wake from THESE dreams, and it's like being tossed into the awful dreams of years past--reality in so few ways syncs up with my unconscious mind, for good or for bad. Last night's dream, which was truly beautiful, ended with me wide awake at 3:10 a.m., gasping, terrified, and with my heart pounding in my ears. In short, waking up was heartbreaking.

Have any of you experienced similar "traumas" from your dreams? Anyone know of meds or therapies designed to reduce the frequency of dreams? I'll be perfectly content to never dream again.

Happy New Year, all.

06/08/2021

From 10 years ago today. This seems like even better news in retrospect--it's another part of Patty's imprint on this world. She wanted the book to help people.

"How's this for a good Wednesday? Just heard from my literary agent that the book Patty and I are co-authoring about Patty's heart disease journey--"Pulse of My Heart"--will be published first as an E-Book and, if it sells well, as a paperback next year. We're pretty stoked!"

06/07/2021

From four years ago...this picture captures the very best of Patty's personality. She was funny, sardonic at times, and she laughed easily and often, even in her last weeks in my daily world. I miss her each and every day.

06/07/2021

This was one of the more pleasantly memorable days of last year. Although it was a hot day, Patty and I went for a long walk along Naperville's Riverwalk, and I picked a flower she wore in her hair for most of the afternoon. The parks and parking lots were flooded so, at one point, I had to set Patty on a curb, walk her wheelchair through an enormous puddle, and then carry Patty over said puddle back to her chair. She was both thirsty and hungry by the end of what was at least a two-hour walk, so, at her request, we stopped at Hugo's Frog Bar (outside, of course) for lemonade, an appetizer and some laughs and conversation. The day stands out because, aside from her being wheelchair-bound, Patty seemed much healthier (and thus happier) than usual. I SO MUCH wish we'd been blessed with more such days, especially knowing now there'd be so few to come.

05/24/2021

This was a really nice--albeit bittersweet--offering from my Memories feature this morning, from five years ago. In response to one question, Patty answered that we did EVERYTHING together...and that was mostly true. We didn't do "boys' nights" or "girls' vacations;" we were a package deal. When she slipped away after 20+ years of sharing most every moment, the silence was almost immediately deafening. I really miss her, and always will.

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WITHOUT any prompting, ask your "significant other" these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. The outcomes can be hilarious...or brutal.

Patty's answers:

What is something I always say? "No idea."
What makes me happy? "Having company over for fires."
What makes me sad? "You get down on yourself...I don't know why."
What was I like as a child? "I don't know."
How old am I? "48" (I'm 49)
How tall am I? "Six feet, one-half inch."
Whats my favorite thing to do? "Watch sports on TV."
If I become famous, what will it be for? "Writing."
What am I not good at? "Organization."
What makes you proud of me? "When you set your mind to anything, you do it. Lots of things make me proud."
What is my favorite food? "Hamburgers."
What do we do together? "Cook, hang out, shop, go out for dinner. We do everything together."
How are you and I the same? "We're ideologically similar."
Where is my favorite place to eat? "MK Restaurant"
How old was I when I met you? "32" (I was 33)
When is our anniversary? "February 15"
If I could go anywhere, where would it be? "I don't know."
Do you think you could live with me forever? "Sure."
How do I annoy you? "You leave things lying around. When you put things away, it's not in the right place."
What is your favorite thing about me? "Your sense of humor."

05/24/2021

Even when she was ailing, Patty often mustered whatever energy she could find to spruce herself up go out for an evening--even in her last year, when we had a transport chair (and many more logistics) to navigate. This photo was from three years ago--she wasn't well, but she still signed on for date nights, even if we often cut them shorter than in days past.

05/20/2021

I love when FB's Memories feature serves up a nice photo of a (mostly) healthy Patty. Each time, of course, the fond recollections carry some sadness (like being hit with a baseball bat in the chest, sometimes). She was such a great person and brought so much light to my days for 20+ years. (And I think maybe she liked to show off her outfits from time to time.)

05/13/2021

From four years ago, during a magical weekend in Chicago. Even though the photo isn't of the greatest quality, I thought Patty looked stunning, healthy, and happy. I still find it almost impossible to believe she's gone. I feel even deeper sorrow, when I allow it, to think such a loving, funny, kind, generous and beautiful person endured so much hardship between the countless happy moments. She was tough but fragile.

I made a promise to myself today--for the first time since Patty died--to try to stay happy ALL DAY, no matter what crosses my path, so I'm determined to look at this photo of this beautiful woman and smile instead of ache.

How are all of you survivors doing? I hope you're faring well.

04/25/2021

11/09/2020

SWEET SIXTEEN!

I'm not sure how I managed to overlook an important (to us) "anniversary" yesterday, but...Patty has now stuck around for 16 years since her widowmaker MI tried to steal her from our family in November, 2004. Even though most every year since has been a mix of adventure and nightmare, and despite how those hurdles have repeatedly demanded that Patty stay tough, those years would all have been much, much less wonderful without this amazing wife and mother around.

Thanks for hanging in there, T***s! ❤️

PULSE is going to the printer tomorrow! Check out its skin.

09/14/2020

As Patty awaits additional feedback from her school district concerning her desired return to work, we're excited about a budding initiative we anticipate will become an increased focus when Patty retires (the plan is to wrap things up after this school year).

Incidentally, this very topic--EMPATHY--has stayed front and center through Patty's attempts to navigate the none-too-forgiving worlds of healthcare and work as a chronically disabled person.

We hope you'll like the new page and join us on a new, intriguing, bittersweet and fun journey moving forward. Please like and share!
https://www.facebook.com/EmpathyRX

To be added

06/29/2020

When Patty endured her heart attack and soon developed severe heart failure back in 2004, I started photographing her frequently--through sickness and health. I wanted memories of every moment--even when Patty was desperately ill and frail--because I knew I could never again take for granted we'd enjoy our "forever."

I realized yesterday that, within the past few months, I've significantly ramped up the frequency of the photos I take. Although I probably only share about 1 of every 10, I'm capturing bits of almost EVERYTHING, except bathroom and bedroom events. (Those are behind the paywall--I'm KIDDING!!!)

Patty spent two months in the hospital through the end of last year and well into the start of this. She had one touch-and-go night and many other unpleasant days. Until we see evidence otherwise, Patty is confined to a wheelchair. She still experiences odd, random arrhythmias and bouts of dizziness and nausea. She has lost SO much function in her hands and feet, and yet she's been gifted with exquisite pain in these same limbs she can barely use. She is often reduced to tears when she can't remember events from days before, or when she offers statements seemingly divorced from their place in our history. She doesn't often complain about her lot, but it's obvious she's quietly but constantly mourning her old life.

Without COVID-19, I fretted non-stop about Patty's well-being. I've seen Patty with the flu and pneumonia--and it ain't pretty. Now, seeing this terrible virus spike and grow and spread, over and over and over--largely because of so many ill-informed decisions made by lawmakers greedy for votes and by a few selfish fellow citizens who treat all of this as a hoax--has convinced me it's only a matter of time before COVID-19 comes calling here. Perhaps I'm being irrational or alarmist--I sure hope so--but it feels like the world is consumed with craziness and is only getting worse.

Please, for yourself and for the "Pattys" in YOUR universe, wear masks when you're out in public. Please help me, and others like me, stop needing to commit EVERY memory to an image for fear it's all soon destined to be taken away.

PLEASE keep wearing your masks.

06/03/2020

Almost 16 years ago, a widowmaker heart attack tried to steal Patty from me and from our children. Each and every day since then--and through hardships that seemed intent on breaking her forever--she's given me fresh reasons to feel this very sentiment. ❤️

The sign of true love.

02/29/2020

To say Patty and I have felt overwhelmed by the incredibly positive response to this page over such a short time would be a massive understatement. Today, I've added a few photos to the page from Patty's most recent months, and will post more as I find and organize them. (Of course, they're not the most flattering in many cases, so we'll see if the patient orders me to take them down.)

You would all have loved to be flies on our wall last night to see how both delighted and touched Patty was to realize she still means so much to so many, including to students who graduated years ago. and even to former classmates from her own days as a high school student.

Patty has seemed much more upbeat and forward-looking over the past day than she has in weeks--it's nice to hear optimism again, and I thank you all so much for that.

THE SHORT VERSION: Many who love Patty have requested, repeatedly,… Brian O'Mara-Croft needs your support for Making the Best of the Worst for Patty O-C

02/24/2020

A RANT--AND A QUESTION:

For some really bizarre and stupid reason (over which we're starting into battle this week), our insurer recently deemed wheelchairs and hospital beds aren't "medically necessary" for Patty, even though she can do next-to-nothing with her arms or legs without significant assistance. Barring some victory of reason over nonsense, these devices will be reclaimed at the end of this week. What the actual...?

The stupid little games we play with insurers--over supplies, prescriptions, etc.--really start to feel like insult piled atop injury. Are there really people out there trying to game the system to get their own freaking WHEELCHAIR? We can add this glowing example of dumb to the insurer's recent decision that TWO sessions with a physical therapist represented more than enough attention to Patty's situation--even though I can actually SEE her legs and feet getting worse daily. What's more, the insurer provides equipment among the cheapest on the market; honestly, it probably costs more in time and effort to TAKE BACK a crappy $150 wheelchair or $750 hospital bed than it would to just pay for this stuff and walk away.

Of all the things that make me bats #*t crazy, nothing enrages me more than (a) seeing Patty reduced to tears because of insane, pointless--and, quite frankly, cruel--nonsense that makes her feel not only helpless but leaves her feeling she's seen as some sort of fraud or other nuisance to society (she has plenty of reasons to be sad--this should NEVER be one of them), and (b) realizing Patty may one day end up back in a hospital or rehab facility--at astronomical prices for the insurance company--not because Patty CAN'T be at home, but because we can't safely keep her here because of an insurance company's illogical decision processes.

All of this is merely leading to a somewhat goofy question...

Does anyone have experience with adjustable beds (e.g., Sleep Number, Craftmatic)? Which would you recommend? Are there any that are better suited to those with medical issues? For us, the ideal would be queen- or king-sized with two separate zones, where we can still share the same basic space but where we can maneuver Patty for bedpans, clothing changes, etc. Right now, we have a twin-sized hospital bed beside our queen bed, and it makes the space a major challenge in which to work, especially when I need to lift and carry the patient. Given that we've already discovered we much prefer her transport chair (we love you, Nova) over a full wheelchair, we're now thinking about saving up for an adjustable bed--it may not be a hospital bed, per se, but it will likely work better in our space, and we won't have to worry anyone will show up and take it back (ugh). The problem? We don't have ANY idea about features, flaws, etc. Anyone?

(Also, if anyone has an extra few hundred thousand dollars kicking around that is of no value to you, please share--our world would be SO much better if we could simply bypass about 90% of the medical system for a month or so. 🤪🤣😂)

12/11/2019

One of the reasons I adore Patty. She could have given up so long ago--I think, were it me in her spot, I'd have said "enough"--but she keeps battling. She doesn't have the strength, but she goes on...

Found on Google from pinterest.com