The Adventures of Big Betty

01/16/2022

A year ago today I had what people may call a, "soul touching moment."

I met this girl for the first time when she walked up to me in the wild pen. Spooked the hell out of me, but I knew she was meant to be mine. Now I can't keep her off of me, and she is my friend until the end.

Notice how fat she was? She'd been off the truck for a few days in this picture. I wonder how fat she was in holding... 🤣

09/30/2021

I got Betty back from the trainer at the end of August. I got on her the next day and she walked off like, no big deal. I worked her several times after that and we've had no issues. And then life hit, and I let her sit for 2 weeks. Ya know that awful feeling in the pit of your gut that says, "you're supposed to be doing something else!" when you're just so exhausted you go to bed by 9? Yeah that was me for those weeks. Don't get me wrong, I messed with her, we just didn't RIDE, RIDE.

I hopped on her tonight and off we went. *spoiler alert* if you're ever on a stroll out by the farm and you see me jumping around, singing and parking my horse next to a piece of equipment, just know she thought it was scary, and I needed to fix it. Because, I have to remember sometimes, she IS a baby. No matter how laid back she is, sometimes it all gets the better of her. However, she has picked up quickly that if she's scared of something, go touch it.

Betty:
I don't know why I thought this human was going to be less crazy when she came to pick me up. I thought surely she had changed in the time that I was gone. F**k, was I wrong. If I simply move too fast away from something? We go stand by it. If the small horse-eating fluffy monkeys spook me, we chase them. Those poor monkeys. They have to be about sick of being ran around the farm. I spooked at the large hay bringing monster tonight, too. Guess who had to stand by it until I relaxed (did you know that if you sigh and fall asleep, the human thinks that means you're relaxed? Idiot.) I also get my face taken away from me regularly. Bending, bending, bending, bu****it.

Tonight when I spooked (I'll admit it. I was a little worried she'd whip my head off) at the reins going over my neck, the damn woman had the audacity to flip them at me for what seemed like hours... and then scratch and wrap them all over my head until I stood there, utterly humiliated. I swear this human only on this earth to do just that, humiliate me.

03/22/2021

Mmmmm groom bag!

03/22/2021

And then there's Betty, who doesn't know that humans are supposed to be scary and new things are supposed to blow your mind. Grooming tools? Absolutely. Free scratches. The gold truck pulls up? That means FOOD and scratches!

Aannnddd the human keeps treats in her pockets! 😅🥰

02/24/2021

Much sass in this one. Must love it. 🥰

02/24/2021

Day 3/4
Kirsten -

Ya know that moment when your heart sinks into your ass? I had a big clinker this morning. Showed up to the farm to find a mare with NO HALTER. I may have cried a little. I for sure thought that this relationship was ruined, like a man when he discovers your crazy mother.

After some words of encouragement, from my friends and boss (who told me this was a test, thanks for the challenge, ya t**t!) I set out this afternoon with one goal. To halter the giant Betapotomous.

I jumped in the pen, separated Crazy Pants Magee off of Betty and into another pen, and got to work. We went back and forth for awhile until she discovered what I had in my pocket.. treats - Betty's kryptonite. She got about 12 in her belly and would skitter away for me every time I stepped towards her. I finally had enough and decided to treat her like a horse instead of a puppy. If I'm being honest, I was scared s**tless and could really only think about, "I'm so close... what if she decides to eat my ass?"

We did about 15 minutes of round penning before she decided that I was serious when I said, "You are getting a halter back on today, little missy." Looking back, I definitely could've died when I was finally close enough and ballsy enough to halter her. She had me smashed against a fence, on my tip toes. But hey - I got the damn job done!

I spent the next 45 minutes to loving on her. I'm pretty sure she enjoyed it.

P.S.
Daniel was at the farm today and may have gotten to witness some of the s**t show. And I may have screamed, "DANIEL! I DID IT!" When I finally got her ass haltered. I know there was definitely dancing. Lots and lots of dancing.

Day 3/4
Betty -

I thought I got the job done. I stuck my head through the fence, got the contraption on my face snapped off. I just KNEW it was smooth sailing from there. You should've seen the Two-Leggers FACE! Hahahahaha. It will forever be ingrained in my memory. So much disappointment. Infact I think I had her so stunned that she decided to just throw hay and leave. Cha-ching. I consider that a win.

She came back this afternoon though, how unusual! Doesn't she know she has to work to feed us? "Get back to work, slave!" I could tell she was on a mission by the way she walked... ya know, like she had something shoved up her you-know-what. She hopped over the fence and separated Black Du***ss off into another pen - WHAT a RELIEF! Sometimes that things anxiety gets to me.

When she came back to me, she had a contraption with her on her arm and just expected to walk up to me. HA she was the du***ss now. Did she really think I'd make it that easy? I pranced around her and flapped my head back and forth like a wild stallion. "No touchie!" I squealed and then it happened.

The magic nugget captivated me. I don't know what kind of joo-joo she puts in the magic nuggets... but it just does it for me. I ate all of them out of her pocket as fast as I could. I bow know the purpose of the clothing she wears... to hide the magic nuggets.

After eating all I could, the TL stood up and tried to walk up to me - once again, did she really think it would be that easy? But when I shied away this time, she got a little pissy and whapped my butt with the end of the contraption! I spun around and bolted around the pen several times until I was SO stunned by the encounter, I stood still in shock. Next thing I knew, the contraction was back on me and I was once again caught. The horror.

The TL spent the next eon rubbing all over me. I'm not gonna lie, the fact that she's also a personal massage therapist ONTOP of being my food slave is a big plus. I may just keep her around.

P.S.
The Black Du***ss stood behind me while I got my scritches and watched in complete horror. I gotta keep that one on her toes. Will I like the TL today? Tomorrow? Who knows.

02/23/2021

02/23/2021

Day 1/2 -
Kirsten

Ya know that feeling you get when you really shouldn't be doing something...? Well, I had that ALL day on Saturday. Why am I taking my dad's j***y old truck to get another mustang? The first one is enough.. I found punishment first thing in the morning right outside of Norton, Kansas. Flat tire on the truck. I've never changed a tire. Mild panic set in.. but after a couple of phone calls, I realized I was a strong independent woman who don't need no man! Yeah, that's what we'll go with.

Fast forward to getting Betty on the damn trailer... to which she walked right into... and heading home. I told Blair not to tie her, because I didn't want her to lose her marbles when I got her home. Mistake. She was shaking the trailer as we pulled out. She's a monster! Quickly pulled over and shut the partition on her... because looorrrddd with the wind Western Kansas had on Saturday, we'd have been dead.

Sunday was uneventful, I think it was the long day of anxiety that caught up with me from Saturday... because I was as sick as it gets. I laid in bed all day and thought to myself, "WHY ON EARTH DID YOU GO GET ANOTHER ONE!? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE FIRST ONE!"

This morning my expectations were low, thank God. Because just as I suspected, Kelp taught Betty to run. I left them alone to settle because Kelpie got Betty SO worked up. I fed and dashed.

This evening I decided to separate Kelpie off and see if Betty retained anything from TIP training... and to my surprise... I got first touch.

I now know why a little voice in my head said, "Go back and get her. That's your horse. That's the mare you've waited for." I get it now.

P.S. I snuck this one by Daniel, because this morning when I asked him if he'd been to the farm lately, he said yes... and I giggled a little. He missed her completely. I'm very proud of myself.

P.P.S. I ordered a mustang, and definitely got a mule.

Day 1/2 -
Betty

Hi. I'm Betty. I'm Dork. I'm, "Pretty Girl" or so the two-legger calls me. I'm a baby in a big body, and I love to dance.

A couple of days ago, I was loaded onto a small bus. My ears touched the dang ceiling! I was appalled. I spent the majority of the ride pacing and shaking said small bus. When we got home, I the dark, the two-legger ran me down some alleys into a pen with the BIGGEST BITCH I've ever met in my life. I distinctly remember the TL saying, "Make good choices!" and then WHAM... this black thing came outta no where. I showed her, though. I'm bigger. I run this pen. Muhahahah. Idiot.

This next day passed without much activity. There are these fluffy flying monkeys that like to sleep in my hay and scare the s**t out of me... but we won't speak of those. They will come back and attack me again.

The black du***ss says it's fun to run from the TL... so the morning she finally showed up, we lapped the pen like racing fillies. I felt majestic and pranced around her as she stood there, completely disappointed. She threw that delicious food at me (food is my FAVORITE!) and left with a huff.

She came back that evening though and ran the black du***ss out of the pen. I felt mild panic when she turned on me. "DONT GO FOR THE FACE... DONT GO FOR THE FACEEEE!" I don't like my face or my ears touched and what do ya know... she didn't go for them! I guess this TL is okay. I stood there shell shocked as she scratched my shoulder and cooed to me like I was a new born foal.. But, I mean, can a girl beat having a food slave? I think not! Mild toleration is required, I guess...

02/17/2021

A split second before she realized just how close I was to her.

02/11/2021

Kirsten -
What good hay, alfalfa pellets, a fatty grain and probiotics will do to a mustang. Look at that bootay!

Kelp -
Ya gonna bring me that candy sometime today, Junior? Obviously starving over here. LETS GOOOOO!

02/07/2021

The look on Kelps face when I was throwing blankets on her domestic moron neighbors this morning...

02/03/2021

Day 16
Kirsten -

Snow finally came to Kansas - hence the silence for awhile. Okay, that's a lie. I became so frustrated with this wild son of a b*tch that I walked away for a hot minute so that I didn't make any rash decisions.... like wrapping her rope around a pole (again.)

I am the first to admit that I have no idea what I'm doing.. especially because I signed up for a TIP trained horse and I got.... well...you've read what I got. So, we're back at it, making the best of things. When it was too snowy and icy to do anything, I just fed and watched the moron scream around the pen like a bat straight out of hell. She's finally enjoying her bucket, but she has some odd habits that I think, maybe, stem from being wild until 2 years ago? She will pace between her bucket and Finn... Finn wants to kill her when she gets too close, and I thoroughly enjoy watching my spotted land hippo get grumpy with the range rat, over his bucket. Because, in his mind, he's starving.

Saturday, I finally got back to REAL work on Kelp and it was fun. We both now have more than one sliding stop under our belts. It was an exciting day though for not touching her in almost a week. I got the closest I've ever gotten to her.. at a price. She EXPLODED shortly after I snapped the picture and nearly knocked me on my ass... again, one of those times I'm SUPER thankful Daniel isn't lurking. I had to work for that closeness. She was panting, I was panting. I'm fat, she's not. She can keep going - I cannot. Although I'm working on the stamina on my end, I decided to try and beat her at her own game - NOW.

So, today, I saddled up the ol' fluffy, fat, grumpy herd mare, Tequila. You should've seen the look on Kelpie's face when we walked into her pen. If horse mandibles could fall, her's would've been on the ground. Her jaw quickly reattached though when she realized the little red fireball I was riding can run.... We did a lot of round penning on horse back and by the time we were done, she was panting, sweating and letting me within a couple feet of her. I'd call that a win from where we started.

P.S. Everyone keeps telling me I'm in over my head, and that I should just send her back. Friday, I pretty much had myself talked into it... and then Saturday she let me SO CLOSE. I feel it... she's going to get there... it's just going to take a lot of more blood (literally) and cuss words. So, to those of you who say and think I can't do it, thanks for the fuel, fu***rs.

Day 16
Kelpie -

The FH Monkey left me alone for a week. It was pure bliss. I was allowed to play with the Spicy Monkeys whenever I wanted (there's a new stupid one! He's smaller, too - less weight for dunking.) I could sprawl in my hay pile and sleep while the frozen sky fell and the neighboring morons munched away on their hay.

But just when I thought she'd given up, she marched right into my place with a sort of stick up her a** walk... A new found determination was on her face - Game. Set. Match. We went round and round the fence for an hour before she finally stopped and I finally ran out of breath. I stayed in my safe corner with my stupid neighbor behind me. Surely he would protect me if the FH Monkey decided to pounce. While I was focused on the idiot behind me, she snuck up on me! I looked at her one moment while I was resting, looked at the sexy man behind me, and looked back and OMG SHE WAS RIGHT THERE! THE NERVE. I sprang forward past her, nearly taking her out by the t**s and reminded her JUST WHO SHE WAS DEALING WITH.

A couple of days passed before she came back to mess with me again... And this time she was back with the Snorty Neighbor! I nickered to her when she was led in behind the monkey, but she only had eyes for the monkey. She was also toting some strange piece of horror on her back, and to my surprise, the monkey swung her leg up on her! Imagine my shock when, after she got on the Snorty Neighbor, they came towards me! I was out of there! But, the SN followed! What. In. The. Fu**! We rounded the pens for what seemed like ions until I did what I swore I'd never do - I gave in. We all stood there and aired up for awhile while the FH Monkey talked to me about, "being such a good girl." Yeah - right.

I guess I'll just have to show her tomorrow. I will NOT give up.

P.S. Something weird happened to me today. The Flame Haired Monkey pulled up to the barn and was acting... panicked? If that's something they do. She was on her phone, squealing and looking in my pen! Silly Monkey! I was moved across the road this afternoon by the weird Monster Monkey -- The same Monster Monkey that brings the Moron Neighbors and the Moo Deer their food. Those idiots love that Monster Monkey even more than their Flame Haired! 🤦‍♀️

01/22/2021

Day 3 (technically 4)
Kirsten -
I learned first hand today that in less than 24 hours, mustangs can forget everything. Yesterday was a windy bi*tch. I chose not to amp Kelpie up with the wind, so I fed in the morning and then left her alone. This morning it was back to square one. Snorting, rearing, and running. So. Much. Running. Ended on a calm note and walked away before I got frustrated.

This evening, however, I think I found something that works for her. I shooed her down into a small, "holding" pen off of her main corral. After she settled, I started working her back and forth on the rail and she eventually figured out what I was asking for - relaxation. I'm hoping that I actually get to TOUCH the little s**t by the end of the week, but it's not looking like it's going to happen.

PS -
Remember that huge, beautiful, "GET THE ROPE OFF HER NECK" goal I had on Monday? The girl that had that goal had some big pants. Today, she's wearing very small, tight pants. Very uncomfortable, too. I need to lay off the hay.

Day 3 (Unfortunately Day 4)
Kelpie -
The monkey came and went quickly yesterday. I assumed that meant she was admitting her defeat and I would soon be let out to run free with the neighboring morons. Boy, was I wrong.

In she popped this morning, her usual chipper-a*s self. Did she have food with her? Oh hell no. Any offerings for the fair maiden that stood before her? Negative. That meant, it was time to run. And run I did. I lapped her like it was the Daytona 500. She just stood there! No chasing, no yelling, nothing. Eventually I came to a prancing, snorting stop to let her know that I was frustrated with her lack of performance, to which she shrugged and WALKED OUT. What?! THE?! F*!

She came back this evening. She is such a creature of habit, it's embarrassing. She would never survive in the wild, although she has enough fat storage to last her awhile. For some funny reason she opened a couple of gates. I just KNEW she was going to let me free like my earlier prediction, so I hurried down into the little pen that was right next to the morons! But.. she CLOSED THE GATE behind her! What? What was this sorcery!? And then, she wouldn't let me past her! I flipped and ran the fence line for about 5 minutes before once again I came to a snorty, snotty, stopping point and faced her, "WHAT are you doing, monkey!?"

Y'all, I must've picked the short straw when it comes to monkeys, because after I stood and faced her, once again, she walked away and opened my gate back up. I have no idea what is going on, but it's very suspicious and this time after she made me work, she didn't even feed me. I heard her mumble something about, "Cleaning. Up. Scraps." ......CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

PS -
The spicy monkeys don't visit me as often as they used to. I have no idea why and am running a full investigation into their ware-abouts. We didn't finish our game.

01/20/2021

Day 2
Kirsten -
I didn't expect much change today. I've learned to keep all expectations LOW with this silly, scared and wild (see what I did there?) mare. She's super reactive, which I half way expected. But my inner teenage girl was hoping that it would be a match straight out of Flicka. I'd say, "I LOVE YOU, LETS RUN AWAY INTO THE SUNSET!" and she'd says, "ABSOLUTELY, CLIMB ON PARTNER!"
....and now we can all laugh, together.

Rolled up this morning and saw that she was allllll sorts of tangled up in her rope. I let out a small groan and got to work. She freaked out when it touched her legs with tension - shocker. But it made for a good desensitizing moment. As soon as she relaxed, she got slack. But then, she let a secret slip. What was it, you asked? She suddenly remembered that a rope under her front leg meant to give - HOLY SH*T! She stopped, gave her leg and stood there like, "Yep, totally meant to do that." I dropped it, and left her alone for the morning.

This evening she was full of energy and ran the pen like a bat out of hell for about five minutes. Once again - super glad Daniel never seems to be around, because, I'm sure I looked like a cat chasing a string as I followed the end of the rope trying to step on the son of a b!&ch.

I finally caught the end of the rope and got her to face me. She snorted like the dragon off of Shrek and for a slight second I saw my life flash before my eyes. "This is it you moron. Everyone told you this was a bad idea and here we are, suffering the consequences of our own actions." Thankfully she chose not to eat my ass, but in turn let me get within about 3 foot of her. I left it at that.

PS - Got her to eat her morning ration of Alfalfa Pellets and CocoSoya. The secret is a sh*t ton of horse treats. Also, did you know that alfalfa gives mustangs wings? It's not the RedBull for her, it's the green pellets! I suspect this is where her energy tonight came from.

Day 2
Kelpie -
It came back before sunrise. Scared the absolute sh*t out of me like usual. There I was, just blending with the darkness, in my corner, with the damn rope-snake tangled up in my feet - and in she popped. Rude.

Flame-haired monkey made a sound of pure agony (she needs to lay off the hay) and grabbed the rope. She asked me to move forwards.... Kiss my what? Who did she think she was talking to? So, in response I flipped myself around and trotted off, her and the rope in tow - Ha!

Finally after a few good performances (I get really uppity and snorty for that handsome idiot next door. Remember the gelding I was talking about yesterday?) we got the rope-snake untangled from my back legs. It was still stuck between my fronts, though. I decided that my monkey is stupid and raised my front leg so that she could flip it down and around. She seemed to be overly happy with that and DROPPED the FU*!ING rope! "Hello? Monkey? Still tangled here?" This idiot, I swear.

When she left this morning, after feeding the brain washed neighbors their food, I discovered what she left me. (I'm sure she posted a picture...) The nuggets of gold made the nasty ass stuff in my bucket tolerable.

When the sun started to set, she came back...once again, shocker. I liked watching her stomp on that rope-snake this morning, so I decided to drag it faster. The fat Moo Deer thought that was pretty funny too because, they too took off running. As I stopped to watch the Moo Deer run, it snuck up on me - I swear I had left her across the pen. I looked down and THERE SHE WAS, within hoof's reach! HOW DARE SHE. But as soon as I saw her, she was gone. I guess my shocked face scared her away. I'll try that again tomorrow.

PS - the Spicy Monkeys still don't like me. I even played a fun game today with them! It involved the water tank and them becoming....suddenly very, very wet. I swear those rotten sonsa bit*ches ratted me out this evening because the flame- haired monkey looked from them, to the tank, to the mud around it, to me and back to them. She SHOOK HER HEAD and LAUGHED! I guess she doesn't care much for the spicy monkeys either. I'll take note of that and play more games with them, later.

01/19/2021

Day 1:
Kirsten -
I was humbled yesterday, and today I was patient. My goal for the week is to get the f*%king rope off her head. Yeah, yesterday I thought THAT was a great idea... "Just rope her. You'll have SO much more control!" (Yeah...right!) Soooo... needless to say, Kelpie is currently dragging a lariat around. 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

This morning I walked into the pen and the other horses nickered their usual, "WE'RE STARVING." Kelpie thought that was quite odd. I picked up the lariat and started talking to her. We worked on "leading" because in theory, a horse that leads by rope will lead by halter. Thank GOD Daniel isn't at the farm most mornings, or he'd be rolling laughing. "Look at that idiot dragging a horse behind her!" One step forward, release, two steps forward, release - that's all I get right now.

This evening I thought we had a break through. She actually stepped towards me. I think I had an out-of-body experience. My inner teenage girl squealed, while my adult brain said, "She's just hungry."

Day 1
Kelpie-
The flame-haired monkey is back today. I don't know why. Yesterday she scared the p*%s out of me with her kissing and clucking bul!^%it. I don't know what she expected from that outcome. I'm currently dragging a stupid rope (at least I think it's a rope, but sometimes it sneaks up on me and scares the living sh*t out of me. The damn thing resembles a horse-eating snake.)

The other natives near me love the flame-haired monkey for some reason. I think it has to do with the food, because the gelding isn't bright. He LETS HER touch him (I know, the horror) - she even does these weird voices at and coos to him like a love-struck 2 year old. He just stands there, munching away, like a moron - DUDE RUN. This morning they even CALLED for the flame-haired monkey when she pulled up in that God-Awful machine of hers.

All I know right now is that she gives me hay - it's "okay." She also puts this weird stuff in a bucket that she expects me to eat. Funny, I'm a mare - I deserve better. I throw said weird stuff all over the ground to remind her of such.

She came back this evening and caught me off guard. I was walking towards my hay and she got in the way. You should've seen her face. I thought she was going to sh*t her pantaloons. I followed the monkey around for a little bit to appease her so I could get more hay. Don't worry fellow followers, I won't make it that easy.

P.S. The flame-haired monkey comes with friends. We will refer to them as spicy monkeys (they hiss when I get too close!) They ALSO call to her (are all farm animals this dumb?) and rub all over her. Idiots.

01/19/2021

01/19/2021

Hey there! This is just a space for me to document all of our adventures together. I'm going to call my first day with Kelpie, Day 00 because, it was a big fat couple of zeros on the, "Can she REALLY train horses?" scale. Trust me.

I was humbled. Quickly.

This is what I learned on Day 00:
1. She's faster than she looks.
2. Little doesn't really mean docile.
3. The phrase, "she's got a halter on, you've got her" means zilch when it comes to a terrified horse.
4. She really is just scared.