Mediated DisSolutions

08/18/2021

01/23/2021

Children do not need their parents to be “friends.” They need them to develop an ease with one another for transitions, school and extra-curricular events, and similar situations where being all together serves the child’s needs. Parents who coordinate and keep their children needs and interests central, don’t power struggle over personal points of view, but rather look together at what the child needs and how to provide for those needs in each home. When parents communicate effectively, set each other up for success, and respectfully cherish each other’s contributions to their children’s lives, kids benefit!

09/29/2020

Food for thought:

A young woman went to her mother and told her how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and turned on the heat. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.

After several minutes she turned off the burners. She pulled out the carrots, eggs, and coffee and placed them in separate bowls. The mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity… boiling water – but each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after being through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked the daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?”

Ideally, you’re the bean that actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level? How do you handle adversity?

09/23/2020

The best advice to co-parents from Gwenth Paltrow: “You have to know that every relationship is 50-50 no matter what you think — how you think you were wronged, or how bad you perceive the other person’s actions or whatever the case may be,” Paltrow continued. “If you are brave enough to take responsibility for your half and take a look at your own garbage, your own trauma… then there’s really somewhere to go and something to learn and something to heal.”

06/26/2020

Today's lesson: The Experiment

"Elliott divided her class by eye color - those with blue eyes and those with brown.

On the first day, the blue-eyed children were told they were smarter, nicer, neater, and better than those with brown eyes.......
On the second day, the roles were reversed and the blue-eyed children were made to feel inferior while the brown eyes were designated the dominant group.

What happened over the course of the unique two-day exercise astonished both students and teacher.
On both days, children who were designated as inferior took on the look and behavior of genuinely inferior students, performing poorly on tests and other work.
In contrast, the "superior" students - students who had been sweet and tolerant before the exercise - became mean-spirited and seemed to like discriminating against the "inferior" group.

"I watched what had been marvelous, cooperative, wonderful, thoughtful children turn into nasty, vicious, discriminating little third-graders in a space of fifteen minutes," says Elliott. She says she realized then that she had "created a microcosm of society in a third-grade classroom."

"Elliott repeated the exercise with her new classes in the following year. The third time, in 1970, cameras were present."

The Reunion - 14 years later

"Fourteen years later, FRONTLINE's A Class Divided chronicled a mini-reunion of that 1970 third-grade class.
As young adults, Elliott's former students watch themselves on film and talk about the impact Elliott's lesson in bigotry has had on their lives and attitudes.

It is Jane Elliott's first chance to find out how much of her lesson her students had retained."

"Nobody likes to be looked down upon. Nobody likes to be hated, teased or discriminated against," says Verla, one of the former students.

Another, Sandra, tells Elliott: "You hear these people talking about different people and how they'd like to have them out of the country. And sometimes I just wish I had that collar in my pocket. I could whip it out and put it on and say 'Wear this, and put yourself in their place.' I wish they would go through what I went through, you know."

04/21/2020

Lesson of the Week: The past several months I have been supervising a dad who has two school age children. The siblings often play well together but I have noticed the stress affecting the children. We need to be careful of how much information we are exposing our children to. Remember, as parents, we are the people our children depend on for survival so when we talk about our fears within "a mile" of where our children are, they hear those fears and do not understand how their super hero parents are so afraid. Of course, our children need to understand the importance of social distancing and keeping safe, but we have a responsibility to shield them from our fears so they can continue to play as children allowing their brain to continue to grow in a healthy space!

04/08/2020

Some ideas to celebrate Holy Week: https://www.coloradoparent.com/celebrating-holy-holidays-at-home/?fbclid=IwAR0oQpEIXzvTwb336czxYM7chpydA1qy_VX5igkAlKXffneqKLyG1YiSWkc

How to connect with your family through religious traditions in this “new normal.”

04/07/2020

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03/19/2020

Separated Parents and CoVID
by Annette Burns on March 15, 2020

Parents: This is a truly difficult time. Talk about making being divorced/ separated from your other parent more difficult!

Please follow guidelines for co-parenting as closely as possible during these difficult times, for your sake and your children’s sake (and health)

YOUR PARENTING PLAN SHOULD BE FOLLOWED. Do not take advantage of general chaos in the world to withhold parenting time. You may think “The courts are overcrowded and won’t have time to deal with me now, if I do this.” You may be right, but I’ll hazard a guess and say that in a few months, when the courts are confronted with cases of children being withheld during this crisis, the sanctions will be harsh, as in make-up time and DOUBLE make-up time awarded to the other parent. Don’t make that mistake. Court-ordered parenting time must be followed and permitted.

IF YOU DON’T AGREE WITH HOW YOUR OTHER PARENT IS HANDLING THINGS
You may feel the other parent is allowing the child too much access to other people and children and not following Social Distancing guidelines. If the two of you have joint legal decision-making rights under your Parenting Plan, each of you must use your own good judgment about what to do when you have the child. At this point, the government hasn’t issued orders for isolation, and you can’t force isolating guidelines on the other parent if he or she doesn’t agree. You can try to talk to him or her about your concerns, but you can’t force your guidelines on the other parent’s household unless he or she is violating the law.
CNN offers advice to parents about children and social activities

If your child is saying he’s scared by what’s going on, COMMUNICATE that to the other parent (not by blaming the other parent, simply by providing information) so that the other parent can take action to make the child feel better.
IF YOUR CHILD IS SICK
If your child is sick with something “regular” (non-critical), the child should be exchanged at regular parenting times unless your Plan states that a sick child stays with one parent. COMMUNICATE with the other parent and ask if s/he will allow a sick child to stay with you. If the parents can agree to delay an exchange, that’s fine. But if the parents don’t agree, the child needs to be exchanged.
COMMUNICATE everything about your child’s illness to the other parent, in writing. Try to stick to email. Start one email string with all information about the child’s symptoms, what medication is given when, and how often. Keeping all this information in one place will let you both care for your child. Visits to doctors or urgent care should be communicated IMMEDIATELY to the other parent, including all information, symptoms, diagnoses, and medications. Tell the other parent where you filled the prescriptions. SHARE the child’s prescriptions, and if the other parent asks, share the over-the-counter medications too. It’s not that easy to pick up another package of Day-Quil these days.

IF YOUR EXCHANGE TIME WITH THE OTHER PARENT IS DONE THROUGH SCHOOL, AND SCHOOL IS CANCELLED
If your child isn’t attending school and it’s an exchange day, you need to COMMUNICATE with the other parent and find an exchange time. If no other time is specified in writing anywhere, use a 2:30 or 3pm exchange time (the approximate time school would have been out). If you can’t exchange the child at someone’s home, find a public place as close to the child’s school as possible to make the exchange. You can exchange in the parking lot of a Target, McDonald’s, or some other large public area where you don’t need to be near a lot of people. Park close enough for the child to walk safely from one parent to the other.

CONTACTING YOUR ATTORNEY. Attorneys are likely not seeing people in-office right now. Email or call and confirm all appointments you have scheduled. Email your attorney and ask how to best communicate with him or her for the near future. If you generally text with your attorney, he or she might be overwhelmed with texts right now. Communicating from a cell phone is difficult. Stick with email until you’re told differently. Leaving voice mails at the office might delay things. Most attorneys I know will try very hard to respond to emails within a few business hours.

10/18/2019

Lesson of the Week… Let’s talk about School Pictures.

It’s that time of the year again. The school year has started and the school district has paid a professional photographer to come into the school to take your child’s picture. School pictures are not only essential to the educational process (class rosters, school I.D.s, the Parent Portal, etc.), but they are nice to have as they show a change over time. One of the coolest things is to be able to see your child change across 13 of the most influential years of their lives! Now that you are getting a divorce, though, don’t make the process difficult.

If you want one of these pictures, you are going to have to communicate and collaborate with your ex. The school isn’t going to divide these pictures up for you, this is something that should be decided on together. Buy enough for the both of you and then split the cost. This makes the most economical sense, and also doesn’t put your child in an uncomfortable spot.

I work as a teacher in a public school and I recently had an encounter with a student that broke my heart. I was given my class’s school pictures to hand out during the next class and I noticed that this student in particular had not one like everyone else, but two different envelopes with his exact same picture in them. In fact, each envelope was filled with pictures of all sizes. At first I thought that his family ordered more after the due date, but in fact, his mother and his father made separate orders. This student begged me to hand him his two envelopes at the end of class so that other students wouldn’t see. Due to the fact that this student’s parents were unable to order his pictures together, this student felt shame and embarrassment in front of his peers. Teenagers have enough to deal with with divorced parents, it shouldn’t be an issue while at school.

I also had a similar instance while in school so I was able to relate to this student. When time came for senior pictures, I was dreading the money conversation. I knew that the argument of cost was going to be extreme and that I was going to be put in the middle so I took matters into my own hands. At after-prom, I picked a raffle prize that was a gift card for a free photo session at a local studio instead of something useful a 17-year old would have actually enjoyed, like movie tickets or a food gift card. I had thought that this gesture would help diffuse the situation, but it didn’t. My parents refused to even help pick out the pictures together. Each parent insisted on ordering their own photographs, even going as far to pick out different pictures so they wouldn’t have the same picture of me, their daughter, in their houses. What pains me now is knowing that there were about a hundred pictures that were never handed out and are just stuck in a box in storage. What a waste…

Don’t turn something that should be simple into yet another fight. Send an email to your ex with how many pictures you want and send money, it takes hardly any time at all. Save your child from embarrassment and shame while also saving money yourself and you’ll be able to look back at these pictures with happiness and not regret.

From the thoughts of a twenty-something product of divorce.

07/30/2019

Childhood trauma isn’t something you just get over as you grow up. Pediatrician Nadine Burke Harris explains that the repeated stress of abuse, neglect and parents struggling with mental health or substance abuse issues has real, tangible effects on the development of the brain. This unfolds across a lifetime, to the point where those who’ve experienced high levels of trauma are at triple the risk for heart disease and lung cancer. An impassioned plea for pediatric medicine to confront the prevention and treatment of trauma, head-on. Watch this video: https://www.ted.com/talks/nadine_burke_harris_how_childhood_trauma_affects_health_across_a_lifetime?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=tedspread&fbclid=IwAR0HLTpWJlWtz2RDuQGB2hZBeJTjvlheyurT-rHl0FrfjOnbOcq1Og_M4Rk

Childhood trauma isn’t something you just get over as you grow up. Pediatrician Nadine Burke Harris explains that the repeated stress of abuse, neglect and parents struggling with mental health or substance abuse issues has real, tangible effects on the development of the brain. This unfolds acros...

07/11/2019

Lesson of the Week... Let’s talk about Parenting Plans

First and foremost, children of divorce need to see BOTH parents in some capacity. Their life has already been turned upside down, completely losing a steady presence in their life is just not ok. Whatever Parenting Plan is implemented, it is important to realize that no matter the plan, it is a HUGE life change for the children. Children will mourn for the loss of normalcy in their lives, it is important that they do not ALSO mourn the loss of a parent.

Implementing a Parenting Plan will happen, but this should be a decision between the parents, don’t let the children get involved. One of my worst memories of MY parents’ divorce was when I was asked by the Child & Family Investigator which parent I wanted to live with. I went from already feeling like I was in the middle of two warring adults to feeling as if this huge decision was placed on my tiny shoulders. This responsibility is too much for children of divorce and on top of that, putting this decision on a person who has a very limited perspective of what is actually going on throughout the divorce process is incredibly shortsighted. What valid opinion on the Parenting Plan actually comes from the mouth of a 15 year old? A 15 year old just doesn’t understand the small details such as splitting holidays, alternating years, length of vacations, out of state or country trips, how to switch days, what child support looks like, amongst many others. This is an adult decision, leave it up to the adults.

When I was asked this question, my mind immediately went to coming up with a solution that wasn’t going to hurt either of my parents’ feelings. I knew that if I chose to spend more time with my mom, my dad would be heartbroken and vice versa. I told the CFI I wanted to split time with my parents’ 50/50, which is ultimately the Parenting Plan I was placed on. I spent a full week with my mom and then a full week with my dad.

Another important aspect of deciding on a Parenting Plan is when deciding on a plan for multiple children with the same parents, keep the plan the same. As I mentioned, I spent 7 days with one parent and then 7 with the other, while my younger sister spent 9 days with my mom, and then 5 with my dad. This was a poor decision on multiple levels. For starters, the one relationship that SHOULD have remained steady (the one with my sister) was also disrupted. The only other person who knew exactly what I was going through was no longer available to me. My sister and I should have gotten closer throughout the divorce process, but instead we grew apart. There was also the issue of each parent seemingly choosing a ‘favorite’ kid, one that was supposedly ‘on that parent’s side’. I spent two days alone with my dad and we became closer because of this, but since my sister spent more time with my mom, they became closer as well. My relationship with my mom suffered significantly through this time and this is because we never got that alone time, and I know from talking with my sister that her relationship with my dad also suffered.

It is important to approach the Parenting Plan with the mindset of ‘what is best for the kids?’ If you approach this decision with the mindset of punishing one parent by taking away time from them, what you are really doing is hurting your child(ren). Now I know every situation is different, but remember that it took two people to create the children, it should take two people to continue to parent these children after the divorce.

From the thoughts of a twenty-something product of divorce.

07/04/2019

Lesson of the Week…. Let’s talk about Eating Habits

We live in a world where it often costs less money and takes less time to eat out than it does to cook meals at home. This is the case whether a family is together or a family has been separated from divorce. It is incredibly important to keep a healthy, regular eating schedule with your kids when they are with you, let me tell you why.

When my parents were together, they fell into the stereotypical parental roles where my mom prepared meals and stayed home with us and my dad went off to work and was only really home at night for dinner and bedtime. Because of this, he didn’t really have to learn how to cook. After the split, he was all-of-a-sudden expected to provide meals to two kids for a week at a time: talk about a lifestyle disruption. I will absolutely acknowledge that my dad did the best he could under the circumstances, but our week with him would regularly consist of dinners at the same restaurants. Monday would be Chipotle, Tuesday Buffalo Wild Wings, Wednesday would be take out pizza… you get the idea. I believe that this ‘Meal Plan’ stemmed from his lack of cooking knowledge and the fact that regularly attempting to cook when my sister and I were with him would lead to less time to be in each other’s company. And since he had my sister and I part time, every minute to him was precious.

When my sister and I were with our mom, the pattern was often similar. Even though my mom knew how to cook and actually was rather good, she felt the need to compete against my dad. She didn’t want us to resent dinner with her since she had prepared a ‘plain, old, boring casserole’ for dinner when dinners with our dad were so much more exciting. So my sister and I became accustomed to fancy, yet rather unhealthy dinners pretty much every night.

Here’s where this became an issue… we never learned how to cook healthy meals for ourselves. It was so much easier to order food than it was to learn how to prepare it. This became our normal, and my health in particular suffered for it. I gained a lot of weight in the years after my parents’ divorce and then when I was on my own in college, the only eating habits that I knew were the same eating habits that I grew up with after the divorce. I’ve been overweight ever since the divorce and it has been incredibly difficult to break this habit.

My suggestion to you is that when your kids are with you, you keep meal times as normal as possible. Keep eating out a treat and use the opportunity that home cook meals provide to spend time with your kids. And if you don’t know how to cook, use that as an opportunity to learn along with your kids. This quality time spent together will only strengthen your relationship with them and will allow for healthy eating habits to remain, even when everyone’s lives have been turned upside down.

From the thoughts of a twenty-something product of divorce.

While traditional divorce litigation involves both sides fighting for everything, the goal of divorc

06/27/2019

So you’re getting a divorce…. Let’s talk about Summer Break

It’s the time of the year that every child just can’t wait to get to, Summer Break! Two months off from school where they can sleep in, hang with friends, play outside with the neighbors, see movies, read books, and play video games until they pass out and then get to do it all over again the next day. But now that there are two households, what does Summer Break look like? When there isn’t a second parent in the household, what do you do with the kids?

Well for starters, keep the summer as normal as possible compared to the summer before the divorce. Any change, no matter how big or small it appears to you the adult, will seem life changing for the kids. The fewer changes, the better.

Often times, when two people get divorced, they both are now working full time jobs. I know that this does in fact present a problem as now where there used to be a parent who was able to stay home with the kids over the summer now can’t, or they only can half the time due to the parenting time in place. My suggestion to you is to do whatever you can in your own situation to spend time with your kids over the summer. Make them a priority. If a child spends two full months watching both parents choose work over time with their kids, it gets incredibly sad and lonely for the kids. Now, I know that everyone’s situation is going to be different, so here are a few suggestions that could work for you:

● Go in early and get the work day done sooner. This gives you more time to spend with your kids before bedtime.
● Work fewer days. 4 long days and then a day off would give you an entire day for adventures.
● Spend more time working when you don’t have the kids. This will help give them the understanding that they are more important to you than work.
● Plan a trip during your parenting time. Use your vacation days! Now is the time to fully utilize those days, time with your kids now is incredibly important, don’t let this time pass by.
● Find someone who can stay at home with the kids. If a parent can’t be home during the day, find a nanny, babysitter, or family member who can stay home. This keeps a sense of normalcy if the parent isn’t able to take off work.

Remember that summer break is an opportunity for your kids to recharge after a school year. Use this time to create a stress relieving environment for your kids. The more stressful this time of the year becomes, the more difficult it is for the kids.

My parents both worked full time after the divorce and their solution for child care was placing my sister and I in week-long summer camps all summer long. I do see the reasoning behind this decision by my parents. They wanted my sister and I to keep busy and to keep our minds off of the massive amount of changes going on in our home lives. This was incredibly lonely, though. My sister and I are two years apart and we were often placed in separate groups at camp. So I spent a few summers after the official divorce surrounded by kids I didn’t know for 8 hours at a time. In addition to this being very lonely, it felt very much like school. The routine of summer camp was very similar to the routine of school, but at least at school, I knew people and had friends there. My sister and I always went to camps with people we didn’t know, and since we did so many types of camp, we didn’t even get the opportunity to make camp friends.

Summer break can seem to be a huge problem to overcome for divorced parents, but my suggestion is to use it as an opportunity. Let your kids enjoy their normalcy and their time off of the stress from school, and do everything in your power to spend quality time with them. Everyone’s description of quality time is different, and depending on your circumstances there might only be a small amount of time that you can devote to your kids. Whatever you are able to make work, make sure that you do. Your kids will thank you for it.

From the thoughts of a twenty-something product of divorce.