03/14/2024
If someone feels you owe them an apology you probably do.
Figure things out.
Listen.
Hearing the heart of others as we give them freedom to speak gives us insight to be a better person and become our better selves, our best self.
Mark blocking me felt and feels like punishment. Because of what was happening spiritually-Mark pushing me spiritually to commit to him over or instead of Kris, and Mark spiritually choosing Kris instead of him when Mark felt he was better for me than Kris was Mark becoming angry in the spiritual and in his anger, Mark sinned against me an punished me by blocking me.
Mark also protected me from himself by blocking me. Had I walked away and not bothered to desire restoration, I would have eventually forgotten about Mark. Most likely, I would have found someone comparable and any twinges of guilt or reminders of or thoughts of Mark hurting me and me hurting him would have been minimized and buried.
Sometimes, healing requires us to go into the harmed places.
We walk through the valley of the shadow of death because we left someone there.
We left hope there.
We left a future there.
Spiritually, Mark was so angry over me choosing Kris not understanding that my rejection of his ultimatum was not a rejection of Mark but a rejection of spiritually and physically being required to choose between two men God gave BOTH to me.
Just because Mark has physically chosen the actions he has does not mean spiritually he is doing what he is physically done. Spiritually Mark is a trusted voice in my life. He IS a brother in Christ. I hear his wisdom. I have those conversations.
I only lack the physical which is a lack of exposure to the part of Mark I would have to confront by definition of how physical relationships work - we have to confront to show our care, our compassion and not merely the dismissive nature of our putting away because of our control.
Mark punished me physically by blocking me.
Mark wanted me to know what life was like without him. Physically that happened. Opportunities weee lost to us both. Spiritually, we kept connection.
Love lives. Hope is alive.
Now to weave in lessons on goodness, patience, godliness, and self-control.
Mark, how was I too much for you?
I spiritually and physically was too much. Spiritually, the force of me shifted around you as light moves around. Physically, I am simply a force against a wall you made.
You tell me to step back, stop pushing against the wall and give you a moment to see me not as someone fighting against you but fighting for us. Fighting for that opportunity I keep asking for to stand beside you in the crowd and sing.
Spiriritually, you ask me why I don’t want the stage and I try to explain that my place is among the people. Encircled by them. At their level. Not above. Not below. With.
I try to explain that he is my people. Mark puts his finger to his lips.
I have a lot of words.
He doesn’t quite understand how someone with so many words - written - and in the spiritual can’t embrace, won’t embrace speaking.
I repeat, my place is among the people. Sometimes as far away from the stage as possible literally at the back of the room, behind everyone, spiritually like a wall or a watchman, or a help to the person on stage in whatever way I can be using whatever gift God gives me in the moment and people give me freedom and permission to use.
I am - among the people - consistently using my life to do ministry.
Mark speaks, “But you need to be ministered to as well.”
I look at Mark and smile, “Yes, which makes you blocking me so confusing because I choose you to be one ministering to me but you made my choice a competition with Kris.”
“Kris was hurting you.”
“Then you address what Kris is doing with Kris. You confront Kris. You don’t take away you from me to punish me and in doing so support Kris’s own angry punishment against me.”
“What do you mean?”
“As I was spiritually telling Kris I was leaving him because of his not addressing the abuse, Kris attacked me from behind with a knife made out of ice. Kris stabbed me from behind with a weapon designed to leave no trace just a wound while yelling at me that if he (Kris) couldn’t have me then no one would. Kris then sought to turn others against me so I would lose everyone. After losing you, Mark, as you and yours created an echoing, mirroring, or similar situation to hurt me as Kris did, I simply walked away. I couldn’t lose any more “fathers” or men in my life from your generation. If what happened with you and Kris was simply symptomatic of the problem between fathers in your generation and daughters in mine I couldn’t continue to have the loss over and over.”
“So, you are saying I made you choose me over Kris in your life and punished you because you didn’t choose me but you actually did choose me but you rejected my forcing you to choose because you were supposed to have us both in your life.”
“Yes.”
“What do you do if Kris and I never figure this out and we both walk away from you?”
“What can I do? I literally cannot make anyone love me if you don’t or won’t.”
“This isn’t about a lack of love.”
“Are you sure? Love would have fought for the relationship instead of so easily releasing me or rejecting me.”
“You got hurt by my hurt.”
“Yes. I was supposed to help you. You wouldn’t let me ask my questions.”
“You have questions?”
“Yes. You should ask me what my question is. I have one.”
