07/03/2024
Finished Dive 14.
Feel off and my mind sees too many images of a future not to be.
My grief is for what is not.
Strongs 214
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A compilation page to document my journey.
07/02/2024
I finished Dive 13 today in my treatment for bone infection.
Technically, going straight through every day, 5 days a week, is the best strategy but I need a break.
Trying to wrap up to be able to take a road trip to WV.
05/16/2024
This has been a rough week and difficult day.
Finally feeling not so much at odds with the Indium injection and literally experiencing the weirdest sensation as if my body was going to catch on fire from the inside out.
Pain was not fun for a bit in my legs.
We will see how the scans go tomorrow.
05/15/2024
Took over an hour to draw a 50 cc sample of blood. One vein blew. PICC line power flushed and seemed to work but then stopped allowing blood to be drawn. One way only.
IV team called in. Same Tech who put in my PICC line in March. He ended up putting in an IV guided by ultrasound. To say I am a difficult stick is an understatement.
I prefer to keep my blood IN my body.
A radioactive isotope will be added to my blood and reinserted into my body.
I have roughly 2 hours to which I am eating an egg salad sandwich, banana, drinking water & a caramel macchiato.
My body is very tired.
Really wish I would have brought my blanket. 🙂
05/15/2024
I found my people.
They used me and abused me.
When I began to question my experiences I was blocked, banned, rejected, removed, outcast and treated as if the problem was me.
Yet, they continued to use & abuse me.
05/15/2024
The people who matter won’t wait until I am dead or dying to say the right things to me and about me.
The people who matter won’t come sit by my hospital bed when they come to terms with the reality that they choose and chose to not be involved in my life.
The people who matter will have already responded, already communicated, already reached out, already been there.
They choose their behaviors. They chose. They have always chosen.
Kris chooses his behavior. Kris chose his behavior. Kris has always chosen his behaviors.
Kris can try to lie to himself all he wants to but I know the truth.
Kris won’t be accountable and believes he has too much going for him to do what is right in the eyes of God and in my eyes.
His compromises hurt me and I am tired of him wanting to hurt me and to do and continue to do what is sins or sinning against me in the spiritual realm and in the physical.
Mark chooses, chose, and has always chosen his behaviors.
Kris’s choices opened me up to abuses that he encouraged others to spiritually do against me. He did what he did because he wanted connections with others and no responsibility with me, for me, and of me.
He is a father who has rejected me. He left me. He abused me. He used me. He manipulated me. He took & stole from me. In the spiritual Kris exhibits and manifests every horrific abuse and abandonment against me, even to the point of him spiritually trying multiple times to kill me.
May the LORD bless Kris as he continues forward into the hell of his own making. May he find PEACE there.
05/14/2024
Today was very difficult.
But as I do infusions tonight I think I will watch Wolverine.
05/13/2024
Everyone brings the fuzzy blanket their mom gave them to the hospital…right? 🙂
I have two hours before I head into part 2 of scans for the day.
Stopped by the chapel.
Feel this is more of a hiding place for staff who need answers than patients & their families.
They are going OUT into the gardens / outside spaces.
To breathe. 🙂
05/13/2024
Most of what bothers us are superficial.
The deeper questions we ask and wonder about are rooted in wanting to know if we are loved, wanted, needed, respected, treasured, and valued.
To be transparent, I’m not really feeling any of those things but feelings don’t know everything.
05/13/2024
Will I live beyond this week? Who knows.
However, tomorrow I am going to submit to the reality of my current situations.
I am tired.
Injections I never had before might make me sick.
These scans may show my situation is better or worse.
Am I scared?
Absolutely.
05/06/2024
15 minutes
05/03/2024
Checking In - Part 2
05/03/2024
Checking In
04/24/2024
If I am blocked on social media, then I consider that to be a sign that you understand how toxic you are and you have no desire to work through your personal and professional issues. Your last ditch effort at being humane when you realized the truth of my questions highlighted the level of toxicity, denial, and dysfunction you were and are functioning in was to try to protect me from that toxicity.
If I work around what you have done to try to protect me (while simultaneously acting like a jerk to me) then that is a form of witchcraft /rebellion.
I don’t need to open doors to any of that nightmarish junk simply to read or watch content that if I have questions about what your words reveal is going on, you have made it clear that I don’t have a way to have a real conversation with you unless I am physically & spiritually abused by you, and accessed inappropriately.
There’s nothing you are doing or saying that is that profound for me to cross hell to hear.
If the Malachite Mandate were real then we wouldn’t be barreling at breakneck speeds to the curses and destructions and corrections in Revelation. Seems like another false prophecy and partially understood teaching.
But what do I know?
To one, I am unschooled & unlearned because I don’t have a “Dr.” in front of my name to win his approval as he tried with his own dad & mentors to do.
To another, I have accomplished nothing. Done nothing. Accomplished nothing.
That’s simply not what God says.
He sees the moments of my life in a very different way.
04/21/2024
Finding Home Again
04/08/2024
To life!
03/25/2024
I had my own do-over experience. I was back in the moment of Kris’s judgment when Kris was given the opportunity to ask anyone to stand for him and keep standing.
He picked me.
I re-entered in that moment and I knew I had a choice.
“As much as I love Kris, I know that Kris will not listen to me. I see where my “yes” leads to great loss to me and my family and Kris still does not change.
I humbly request that Kris encounter Jesus who is more faithful to him than I could ever be.
I see where I grew to despise Kris and his disregard of me. His belief in my being faithful to him no matter what led Kris to use me, abuse me, and allow others to do the same.
I decline the assignment to stand by Kris no matter what because Kris needs in moments where he won’t listen to anyone Jesus…not me.”
I accept the consequences of that eternal choice knowing that Kris may be lost but knowing that in that state the best to stand with Kris, by Kris and for Kris is Jesus.
Praise God for do-overs!
03/15/2024
“Be angry but don’t sin.”
I love Kris & Mark but I am angry and being shown images playing in my mind like videos of them abusing women especially in the spiritual.
What do I do?
Mark is telling me to mail him a letter.
Danny Silk is telling me to email him a list of names along with mailing Jason.
You all already know what you are doing and have done!
Simply confess!
Don’t drag me into your messes.
In fact, God is much better at fighting for you than I am.
AI is actually going to be better at fighting for Kris’s redemption than I am. That headline is still showing: “Bethel Defeated By AI.”
AI scours all of Kris’s talks and sermons and Kris after YEARS of a part of him trying to break free from Bethel and seeing no way of anything different is out.
He’s out.
In the process, Bethel loses everything. Bill loses everything. I see Jenn in a mess and Brian isn’t able to help her. He has messes of his own.
I absolutely do NOT want these things to come to life but these are paths others have set into motion by their own freewill and their own choices. I can only in these cases report what I see, testify to what I see, there is no causing this to be. No interfering!
We are not God!
Kris has spoken error by asserting he can cause the future - if operating by his power that is witchcraft. By his might- that’s pride & a haughty spirit not surrendered to God. Pride & a haughty spirit lead to destruction & a great fall. That’s scripture.
Kris doesn’t want to hear these things which is why he is blocking everyone like a willful toddler placing his hands over his ears. Others are speaking and prophecying. I really want to believe they are doing good but have some serious concerns.
Kris is yelling at me, “Voice them! Speak your concerns. Write your concerns!”
I look at Kris and my anger is running even but strong & increasing, righteous indignation perhaps, is this anger holy?
I simply see Kris’s sins against me and I do not want to sin against him. As far as I know, I am still blocked by Kris in an area of LIFE where I have God-given authority. I tried to settle the matter with Kris for years and he refuses conversation and won’t repent. I can’t repent for him. Nor can I undo the damage he has done to himself. As long as I move forward I will be fine.
Mark is telling me in the spiritual that if God is telling me to go then go. God is silent on my staying and fighting for him & Kris.
Both Mark & Kris are horrified.
“You can’t do that.” they both express in different ways and for different reasons.
They begin arguing with me in the spiritual realm. I raise my hand for them to stop.
“I have freewill just like the both of you.”
These spiritual sides of them seem surprised by what I am saying. Mark & Kris look at each other.
Then they attack me.
That’s what I see, I see Mark & Kris kill me and in turn are killed as God fights for me.
I am restored.
But everything is different and few who claimed to be great or even a part of this world any more.
Pauper kings & their kingdoms pass away.
They are gone.
So…Good morning.
Do the most good in the kindest way.
Repent.
Repair.
Restore.
Don’t in anger sin against other people.
“Create a plan to get out of the messes you are in…I write as a note to myself.
Take my advice or not.
It’s in MY journal so ultimately is for me first and foremost as I walk out my own salvation with fear and trembling.
Proverbs 3:5-6
03/15/2024
So was I picking up on Mark more b/c he was in my area?
I’m actually very sad that I had the experiences I did and no one seemed to care. Those who seemed to careadvised me to leave.
But they stayed.
Why would it be necessary for me to go if everyone else stayed?
Can you all not be so freakishly weird and cultish? Punitive and completely lacking in redemptive social skills?
Help me.
Don’t hurt me.
03/14/2024
Weird series of stuff.
Bill Johnson - thanked me for helping him with his issue with Kris. I saw where Kris was set up. Bill betrayed Kris and nothing is going to prepare Kris for that devastation. Will catch Kris completely by surprise but Bill’s win is short-lived as he made a mistake I told Ken Fish about. Timing. Scandal.
Bill Hamon - Mark is apologizing for him accessing me. Save it. That’s been going on for a long time and he is good at pretending so are the people he trained. Many are done and I see a scene which looks like him being utterly consumed by black wisps of people. The destruction of the Modern Prophetic. People don’t know what to do so they stop talking about him. Forgotten. History is deleted by new stories.
Kris Vallotton & Kathy (WITH & FOR Jason) They are out.
———-
Transfer of Power:
Michael Maiden + granddaughter & grandson (Wants/wanted what was Kris’s) when I told him I transferred everything to Kris after he lost everything which for me was an event that happened 9/11/18, he left. He understands and sees in the Spirit his betrayal.
Kody & Caroline (Re: Kris - they wanted what is Kris’s. Completely about power & position) He doesn’t know about John Thomas & Caroline.
Mark Chironna + Misty (Re: transfer Mario & Misty) Mark knows what he has to do. Won’t be easy but it will be right.
What now?
I pray that all of this is just a bad dream happening while I’m wide awake.
If you need someone to blame it’s not me. Talk to Batman/Superman/The Boss and see if he is ready to repent of if he would rather all the above to be true because he won’t stop and confront his own wife?
How weird.
Does Kris need to confront Kathy?
What all has she done?
Is this Fiction or Stranger Than Fiction and the truth?
I can’t intercede for ANY of this as this is between other people and Jesus.
I am being asked by Mark what can I do.
Nothing.
I set none of this into motion. This is the dead prophets’s doing. Mark, I haven’t read your book but see you already wrote about this?
You are telling me to research.
Mark, I can’t fix this.
You all did this.
You all set this in motion when you all attacked us as kids. Did you really think God would not keep his Word? His promises?
Not protect us?
I and none of us attacked were or are the enemies here. Seeing us that way will only prevent you from doing what is right…
03/14/2024
I day.
1 day of IV infusion treatment is represented by these colorful little caps.
These caps do nothing to communicate my concerns about my trough bloodwork needing to be redone because my Vancomycin levels were too low.
They do nothing to communicate that either the nurse did the pull to far out from my previous dosage or my body was processing the Vancomycin too quickly/too efficiently and I might need a stronger dose.
These caps do nothing to represent my fears and concerns that the treatment might not work and these 5-6 hours I’m spending might not be enough. I might still require surgery. I might lose my toe. If this bone infection is in more bones this might become my life until enough bits, parts, and pieces of me are removed and/or I die.
These caps don’t represent the story.
Yet, they do.
Each one I touched. Each one represented an element I put into myself directly trying to get well and not think about, process, and feel the pain.
And this is just my personal personal issues affecting my direct person.
This does not address my oldest daughter’s health needs as she is by herself and on a medically-necessary working from home status while she undergoes extensive scans and tests, I literally cannot be there for to be with her.
I can’t be there with her to celebrate her 25th Birthday as I do not have the energy (1st) to make the trip driving or flying, I have my own health situation to take care of (2nd), and I simply do not have the finances (3rd) or time (4th) to make that trip.
Same issue for my grandson’s 2nd birthday.
I am physically exhausted and need rest.
I do not need any other battles outside of my own physical and personal battles…yet, I have them.
I truly love my people but I have got to have my people show love to me and understand where I am in the now and to meet my needs as well.
03/14/2024
What one week of IV Infusion treatment looks like from the caps removed.
03/14/2024
If someone feels you owe them an apology you probably do.
Figure things out.
Listen.
Hearing the heart of others as we give them freedom to speak gives us insight to be a better person and become our better selves, our best self.
Mark blocking me felt and feels like punishment. Because of what was happening spiritually-Mark pushing me spiritually to commit to him over or instead of Kris, and Mark spiritually choosing Kris instead of him when Mark felt he was better for me than Kris was Mark becoming angry in the spiritual and in his anger, Mark sinned against me an punished me by blocking me.
Mark also protected me from himself by blocking me. Had I walked away and not bothered to desire restoration, I would have eventually forgotten about Mark. Most likely, I would have found someone comparable and any twinges of guilt or reminders of or thoughts of Mark hurting me and me hurting him would have been minimized and buried.
Sometimes, healing requires us to go into the harmed places.
We walk through the valley of the shadow of death because we left someone there.
We left hope there.
We left a future there.
Spiritually, Mark was so angry over me choosing Kris not understanding that my rejection of his ultimatum was not a rejection of Mark but a rejection of spiritually and physically being required to choose between two men God gave BOTH to me.
Just because Mark has physically chosen the actions he has does not mean spiritually he is doing what he is physically done. Spiritually Mark is a trusted voice in my life. He IS a brother in Christ. I hear his wisdom. I have those conversations.
I only lack the physical which is a lack of exposure to the part of Mark I would have to confront by definition of how physical relationships work - we have to confront to show our care, our compassion and not merely the dismissive nature of our putting away because of our control.
Mark punished me physically by blocking me.
Mark wanted me to know what life was like without him. Physically that happened. Opportunities weee lost to us both. Spiritually, we kept connection.
Love lives. Hope is alive.
Now to weave in lessons on goodness, patience, godliness, and self-control.
Mark, how was I too much for you?
I spiritually and physically was too much. Spiritually, the force of me shifted around you as light moves around. Physically, I am simply a force against a wall you made.
You tell me to step back, stop pushing against the wall and give you a moment to see me not as someone fighting against you but fighting for us. Fighting for that opportunity I keep asking for to stand beside you in the crowd and sing.
Spiriritually, you ask me why I don’t want the stage and I try to explain that my place is among the people. Encircled by them. At their level. Not above. Not below. With.
I try to explain that he is my people. Mark puts his finger to his lips.
I have a lot of words.
He doesn’t quite understand how someone with so many words - written - and in the spiritual can’t embrace, won’t embrace speaking.
I repeat, my place is among the people. Sometimes as far away from the stage as possible literally at the back of the room, behind everyone, spiritually like a wall or a watchman, or a help to the person on stage in whatever way I can be using whatever gift God gives me in the moment and people give me freedom and permission to use.
I am - among the people - consistently using my life to do ministry.
Mark speaks, “But you need to be ministered to as well.”
I look at Mark and smile, “Yes, which makes you blocking me so confusing because I choose you to be one ministering to me but you made my choice a competition with Kris.”
“Kris was hurting you.”
“Then you address what Kris is doing with Kris. You confront Kris. You don’t take away you from me to punish me and in doing so support Kris’s own angry punishment against me.”
“What do you mean?”
“As I was spiritually telling Kris I was leaving him because of his not addressing the abuse, Kris attacked me from behind with a knife made out of ice. Kris stabbed me from behind with a weapon designed to leave no trace just a wound while yelling at me that if he (Kris) couldn’t have me then no one would. Kris then sought to turn others against me so I would lose everyone. After losing you, Mark, as you and yours created an echoing, mirroring, or similar situation to hurt me as Kris did, I simply walked away. I couldn’t lose any more “fathers” or men in my life from your generation. If what happened with you and Kris was simply symptomatic of the problem between fathers in your generation and daughters in mine I couldn’t continue to have the loss over and over.”
“So, you are saying I made you choose me over Kris in your life and punished you because you didn’t choose me but you actually did choose me but you rejected my forcing you to choose because you were supposed to have us both in your life.”
“Yes.”
“What do you do if Kris and I never figure this out and we both walk away from you?”
“What can I do? I literally cannot make anyone love me if you don’t or won’t.”
“This isn’t about a lack of love.”
“Are you sure? Love would have fought for the relationship instead of so easily releasing me or rejecting me.”
“You got hurt by my hurt.”
“Yes. I was supposed to help you. You wouldn’t let me ask my questions.”
“You have questions?”
“Yes. You should ask me what my question is. I have one.”
03/14/2024
I am being yelled at by Kris and Mark.
Both are telling me to be quiet.
They are concerned for me and I am concerned for them.
Neither are my enemy and nor am I theirs.
I am out.
Nothing further in this moment for me or from me.
Many blessings to both.
03/12/2024
From day 1 after Kris accessed me I identified that he saw himself as a queen maker but he didn’t see me as already a queen.
He kept physically wanting me to want what he wanted and I didn’t agree with him.
I didn’t play his game.
I’m being punished because I asked questions and tried to help him.
03/12/2024
Ultimately this is an absolute mess.
I can’t help more than I have and Kris refuses to repent. He is pretending to be Solomon gathering info to make his perfect case.
He won’t be able to defend himself.
None of us will.
Kris is guilty and needs to stop trying to get distracted by his pretend quest to help Mike Bickle or champion whatever cause deflects the most from his own sins.
03/12/2024
Kris’s argument justifying what he did to me spiritually to physically and physically to spiritually filtered in hours of confessions pieced across multiple sermons.
He confessed piece by piece, act by act, to each and everything he did against me and every other women in leadership he “helped”.
At this point in time, Kris has confessed to Danny, Dann, Kathy, and Bill. Likely others. Each knowing a part but not the whole.
I have seen Kris sabotage himself in unprecedented ways. His future self sending inappropriate photos of himself to the mailing lists of women while he looked for answers and inroads to someone who could help him with his proclivities and addictions.
I watched his much older self talk to Kris about how many times a day he masturbated and how that affected Kris’s life.
I watched and listened. I begged God for answers which freed Kris and all I found was more ways Kris abused me. The more knowledge I sought to help Kris the more I saw how Kris had abused me seemingly my entire life spiritually.
My only recourse and still operate in love was through forgiveness and courageously confronting whatever crap Kris tried to pull.
Either way, I would not win.
Kris or someone not willing to let Kris’s dirty little secrets come out would hurt me.
One reason why Kris helps Mike Bickle is that Mike knows what Kris has done. He saw what Kris did to me the moment I saw what Mike Bickle did to others.
In the moment, Mike thought he had broken my tie with Kris. He didn’t.
Some bonds are literally formed by God to be unbreakable.
Mark gets angry every time I choose Kris over him in the spiritual and I keep saying I didn’t choose Kris.
Mark needs to stop being angry at me and over the wrong things. If he really wants to help Kris needs to be confronted about what he did to me and what he has done to countless others including his former daughter in law, and current daughter in law, his daughter(s), Hailey, Havilah, Lisa Bevere, Tracy Evans and more.
I have no idea if what I saw was only physical or spiritual but when someone is “screwing” someone the connotation physically and spiritually is typically NOT good.
Kris is disqualified for ministry.
I am being asked if I am disqualified for ministry.
Not my call.
I assume the retaliation against me will be to disqualify me.
This was supposed to be a quiet and peaceful life and I don’t mind not being on stage and platforms.
I want to be left alone. Not simultaneously abused and told to shut up while being challenged to take my place.
Kris already did.
It’s a little difficult when someone takes from you what you don’t know what they took and how they won’t leave me alone long enough for me to not try to make amends.
I’m being asked if I feel everyone is wrong to tell me to stay away from Kris and not make amends.
Yes, 100 percent of the folks are wrong and I would stake everything on that truth. However, my husband is assuming spiritual authority in that decision to protect me.
He will answer to God.
03/12/2024
My gift is not to be abused.
My gift is to understand and to be understood.
Pain right now has me literally laying down not wanting to move. To move is to realize that I can’t outrun the battle with Kris and Mark. I keep coming back to the physical necessity to confront them and their wrongdoing but knowing I absolutely can’t without permission of my husband.
I told my husband what was happening to me when we had s*x and he could not understand what I was saying.
The hell Kris is subjecting me to is designed to specifically attack my belief in my discernment of what is going on.
I am not a victimizer and I WANT to publicly talk about what is going on and show people what the hell he (Kris) is doing while hoping no one figures out what he is doing.
Yet, Kris doesn’t care and won’t care until his own personal life and comforts are affected. He won’t see until people begin to disrespect his own family the way he has disrespected me and mine. Even then he is so self-consumed I am not sure he would see how the the mess…all this mess began with him not realizing when I was a child he should have let the prophets attack me.
He should have let God destroy them and fight for me.
He should have never pretended he could save me by Kris’s own means.
Instead of me escaping what Kris tried to save me from I am now living a worse version of that nightmare or another version of that nightmare without Kris…without Mark.
A watching in horror absolute horror as they come to an end one by one.
This did not have to be.
03/11/2024
Yesterday
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Checking In - Part 2
Checking In
Finding Home Again
To life!
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Last words…Next Steps.
TGIF 2/23/2024
Water
Water
None of us should have enemies per promises in scripture. But can a “nemesis” be beneficial? I tackle my own past where a prophetic individual CURSED me in a prophetic word to have enemies which in effect he became my #1 enemy.
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