03/06/2017
Thoughts on Shadow Work
True shadow work can not be done in a vacuum. It must be done by looking deep within the mirrors that others in our lives represent for us to see the hidden truths that we are blind to no matter how adept we become at looking within ourselves or increasing our own awareness and perceptions of ourselves. Without the reflections that others give to us in their mirroring back to us in comments, expressions, gestures, or body postures, we are not able to even begin to see our own shadow self. We must interact with others in this world in order to truly become self-aware. To pull out all of the skeletons hidden deep in the dark corners of the closet we need a light to shine into the darkness. To clear the cobwebs from the high rafters in the attic we need a ladder and perhaps a broom or duster. To organize the clutter in the basement we need shelves and maybe plastic totes or containers. Sometimes we need garbage bags and extra hands to help take out the trash or all that no longer serves our highest good.
All these things - the light, the ladder, the broom, the duster, the plastic totes, the containers, the garbage bags and extra hands – they all represent the different people supporting us in life, whether we realize they are supporting us or not. Sometimes, we perceive these people as broken tools, i.e. the flashlight that has dead batteries and no longer shines light in the darkness. When we try to rely on this “broken tool” something inevitably happens that leads us to lose faith or trust in the ability of this tool to support us, or to be able to contribute to our higher good.
What we forget is that “broken tools” often can be repaired. Things change. People change. Sometimes things change and though they seem to function as well as they did before ever being broken, they are left with an idiosyncrasy so unique to that tool, that perhaps it constantly reminds us that it is “damaged goods,” or is constantly reminding or “triggering” us of how the tool failed to support us in our earlier time of need.
Sometimes tools that are broken can be repaired but the functionality is never quite as good as it was when in its original form. Consider the plastic storage container that cracks and is taped time and time again. Over time, even with lots of tape, the durability of the plastic container will become weaker and weaker as we pile more and more “stuff” into the container.
People are resources in our lives. Many of us have experienced disappointment in one form or another from time to time; some of us have experienced abandonment, abuse, or adultery. Our faith and our trust has been violated, betrayed, and broken. Our ability to believe that our support network is unshakeable has been shattered.
So how then do we move forward, let go of the hurt, and rebuild a stronger, unshakeable support network. Is it possible to reconnect and rebuild with members of a support network that failed you in your greatest time of need knowing that it is nothing that anyone else can do to restore your faith in others? That you alone must find the strength to love yourself enough, to protect yourself, to recognize the warning signs, to adhere to the caution advisories, to see the red flags thrashing about in the storm when the hurricane approaches?
How do we continue to be greater expressions of love everyday, and at the same time, protect ourselves, not from a place of fear, but from a place of authentic, self-love? How do we come from a place of guilt-free, no apologies, no need for explanations, unashamed self-love and self-preservation as we protect ourselves while we reconnect and rebuild an unshakeable support network? How do we learn to trust, not only or support network, but ourselves, again?
We must look in the mirror. We must interact with others for they are the mirrors of life all around us. Everything has the capability to be a mirror for us if we look closely enough. I’m not talking about a self-absorbed, vain or self-centered staring in the mirror. I’m talking about gazing in the mirror to see into the windows of your soul.
I’m talking about seeing the glimpses of those things you don’t even know about yourself, those things that you don’t dare to even think about. Not the things you know, that you dislike and just don’t tell anyone. I’m talking about the shadow self. The things that no one really knows about you not even you. The hidden part of you. Truly hidden. Your Shadow Self.
The shadow will emerge when you least expect it. But it will only emerge when you are doing the painstaking work of self-reflection to increase self-awareness. I say painstaking because this type of work is not for the faint of heart. It is for those who wish to be truly authentic and genuine. Who despise fakeness with every cell in their being. Even fakeness that we might not even be aware that we carry with us.
This intense self-reflection to increase self-awareness will bring all sorts of demons to your door, knocking and banging and rattling any chains, locks or bolts you might put up to keep them out. If you have something you don’t want to deal with, it will come a-knocking. It will haunt you until you can no longer run away; until you come to the point that you have run as far as you can and yet have now come face to face with the demon only to realize your staring yourself in the face.
You have finally come to face your own brokenness as a tool, as a resource in the wider support network of life. The question has now changed from how do we learn to protect ourselves from others, how do we learn to trust others, how do we learn to love others again to how do we learn to love ourselves? How do we learn to allow others to love us, in whatever way they can? How do we learn to trust our own judgment to protect ourselves in loving and nurturing ways, no matter what happens?
The only shadow we technically can’t see is the one that is behind us. And in order to see this shadow we must turn to others to help reflect that shadow to us so that we might stop the endless running away from something that will never leave us. We must turn to others, who in kind are really all on the same journey as ourselves - running from their shadows. We must learn to turn to each other to learn how to embrace our shadows, to welcome them to the support network. By welcoming our shadows to the team, perhaps we might also learn that it is not just the light that has all of the answers.
