theworsttourguide

06/15/2023

The Strip looks more peaceful from up here... then again, anything looks more peaceful from two hundred and fifty feet up.

Look at this place... people love it here, and honestly, I never understood why myself, but to some, it's this arrangement of matter and molecules that God himself couldn't improve upon. A town for masters of the universe and if not already one yourself, at least you can pretend for a weekend because out here we're all equals... well, except for the bros and oligarchs and retired sugar-mamas whose Louis commands its own seat at the bar in the high-limit rooms or anyone sleezing around the Wynn for that matter. They're a different breed of degenerates of dubious moral distinction of which yokels such as myself are seen as uncouth against God because only peasants play 6 to 5 $15 minimums. I suppose that's true though.

So what the f**k am I doing here? Perhaps I've moved so much around the land of the free and home of the brave that I'm at a point of settling out of sheer tiredness. Making the best of unfavorable situation and all at the same time finding joy in this little accidental life appointment of mine as a "tour guide" and not a particularly a good one because the grass typically isn't greener on the other side (well in the case of Las Vegas it is since grass has been banned here, its literally greener in almost any other city) but aside from that technicality the grass is greener where you water it. And so here I am, I bitch as I water.

06/13/2023

Ya ya i know its not "professional" to drink at work, blah blah but hey, this isn't a tour of Rome, this is a tour of Vegas, a skip through the Vatican of the underworld where one is blessed and doused in sweat and shame for their sins.

The house that Satan (or the Mormons) built and we're going into the belly of the beast, the city of Sin, good girls gone bad and the citys filled with them!
and if your Vegas-tourguide isn't breaking bread (or in this case, shots) with you... or dabbleing with the Devil's lettuce, are you even getting a proper tour of Vegas? I think not!

Annoyed with myself for not getting a photo with my second tour because that one was another girls trip and just like hanging out with friends and grabbin a couple mystery shots from and 2-4-1

Anyway, here's the first tour courtesy of

Philippines 🇵🇭, Canada 🇨🇦 & Netherlands 🇳🇱

I have a massive headache. Nothing a few crunchies (Tylenol) and a California burrito and horchata from Robertos can't cure.

06/07/2023

Photo of the morning.

A shot of a 100 year old Venetian gondola, Laura Kimpton's LOVE sign and Karen Kristen's Sky Art in the background. The Palazzo is a sleeper, a gem in and of itself with sleepy crowds, a fairly sedated place, small casino, no massive sports book or poker room. Luxury without the crowds and surprisingly great for happy hours as there are several sprinkled about on the second floor and you don't have to wait in lines for them! What a hidden gem.

It's been a fairly quiet and uneventful week, this past week. Talking to several other workers on the Strip, they agreed. Even saw $5 blackjack today... either at Harrah's or Oshea's, forget which one but even $10 minimums isn't so common on the Strip as they are in downtown.

My bookings are coming for July, feels like that's gonna be a solid month for tours but so far June blows.

06/07/2023

The benefits of living in Las Vegas.

Every now and then I have to convince myself that this city I have mixed emotions about is not so bad and that the grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it. Except there's a water shortage and grass doesn't really grow here so... guess I'm s**t outta luck.

06/06/2023

My underground layer.

My weekday bar where you can come in and for a solid hour have a quiet, unspeaking speakeasy to yourself.

Not many quiet spots or tranquil bars on the Strip, but I have a few up my sleeve.

1. I enjoy this back couch overlooking the whole bar... until 10 pm because at that point, it's reservations only, and this little secluded spot has a $500 minimum spend price tag.

2. Original carpeting and flooring. This isn't the cheap laminate you find in the suburbs. This wood specifically comes from an old boat. The carpet is unknown yet original as well.

3. The tin ceilings, chandeliers, refurbished chesterfield couches, all original.

4. A mix of tile and carpet at the bar.

5. I've had my haircut here a couple of times. You get a complimentary cocktail while they cut you up.

6. Live the skull logo. I have a t-shirt with it.

06/05/2023

1. Review time

2. Silvia from Germany. I've had a couple Germans this year and I've reached the conclusion that Germans are just solidly cool people. Everytime. Never an issue with the Germans. They're always happy to be here and like everyone else from... the rest of the world, shocked at how big everything is, the food portions, the cars, the roads, the people... and our patriotism because apparently you don't find Germans flags hanging from every other home in Germany - not like the way the burgers, I mean Americans, do.

3. This was originally a tour with two people, however, the other guy canceled last minute (which I still get paid 😝) so a solo private tour it is. Smaller the better. It's they key to a 5 star review. You get to know people this way so it's not all flags and microphones, pointing at things and talking the little Vegas history that exist.

And yes, Vegas is a bit more than Vibrant Colors and and gambling... 90% of the city are some very ugly cookie-cutter suburbs that remind me of brown happy-meal boxes 😅, and my own colorless suburban childhood...

Ok, that's a different story but when I first moved to Vegas, I wasn't so excited and as a matter of a fact, never in my life was I ever saying "man, if I can just get to Vegas, everything will be ok!" This whole thing kind of fell onto my lap accidentally and I ran with it, so, ok, let me show you the things around the Vegas Strip that I like, or that I can tolerate, that's not gambling! And voila! A star is born! Or a meddling bitter tourguide that justifies drinking on tour because it's 100° (40° for you Celcius weirdos) and there's water in beer, I'll cheers to that 🍻

4. View of the South-end of the Strip from the Waldorf.

5. Back to my guest. She mentioned she loves books... and so funny you say that because as we turn the corner, there's magically a rare book store in the Palazzo. The first edition Harry Potter is long gone, sold for $18,000. Above is a letter from Albert Einstein to a friend thanking him for the birthday wishes and a book. This letter is $9,500. Who wants it!???

05/23/2023

Texans love Las Vegas. I get more Texans than any other state residents on the tour. There are no real casinos in the Lone Star State.

Also, I've launched my Vegas Strip bar crawl on Airbnb for a whopping $19.

Stay thirsty my friends.

05/22/2023

It's 11:44am - almost lunch time and I had a very tasty Italian sandwich.. wishing it was this Pizza. One of the last pizzas (pizze) I had before leaving Italy. I mean, have you ever seen something like this? I didn't even know where to start with this thing. I see the Italians next to me being all weird and fancy earing it with a fork and knife? F**k that, I used my God given forks and dug in New York style, ripped a peice off, hand folded over and stuffed into my mouth. Only way I know how to eat a pizza.

Happy lunch.

05/20/2023

When one thinks about these long, crusty, muscular, regenerative cannibals, an image of some large tasty red pinchers comes to mind.

Well, for me, it's Ariel's little Jamaican-accented friend Sebastian - he deserves to be baked and broiled in garlic and butter and the closest I get to eating him without breaking the bank is on a beach in Procida, a little sleepy Island of pastel-painted buildings off the southern coast of Naples. A place you come to get away from the shoulder-to-shoulder tourist trap of bougie (boojee?) shops on Capri stuffed with Americans and Canadians prancing around pinkys out.

No, not here. It was us, a French table and a couple of Italians and a beautiful view of the bay, no noise except some French wee-wees (oui-oui???), seagulls yelling "mine, mine, mine!) and a subtle crash of little sea waves against a black volcanic rocked beach. How poetic.

For lunch, we were in paradise...

Oh ya, back to the lobster. This is "aragosta," which in Italian I just knew as lobster. However, aragosta is a "spiny" lobster. No big red claws. What I really wanted was "astice" aka Maine Lobster or Ariel's Sebastian. I didn't know. I'm not rich, so I can't dabble often is such luxuries to know the difference. Us lobster-knowledge-lacking peasants take what we can get when the timing and money are right.

$40 for fresh lobster on the beach in Italy, why not. It will probably be the first and last lobster this whole year. Treat yourself, they say.

05/16/2023

Naples - a city like no other. Bustling, charming, dirty, beautiful - It's rough, it's raw, it's gritty, a city that refuses to sell it's soul to the tacky overpriced tourist traps that are so common in my adult Disneyland world of Las Vegas.

The cobblestone streets, they're real! The culture and customs are all real - not put on for show - because the Napulitano way of life is engrained into everything! Take their vegetable God, Priapus! His p***s is everywhere! From ancient graffiti on the walls to dick sculpted shot-glasses full of meloncello and p***s shaped pasta; hell, the guy even has a whole Museum section dedicated to his huge ph***ic dick - one that can't get hard or ej*****te! A curse, a story, history. That's Naples!

And hell, don't even get me started on the futbol team! Azzurre everywhere! Maradona? Not just one of the best soccer players to ever play the game, but here, he is thE God, then comes San Gennaro, then God.

It's a place that can't be bought. You come and experience it - $2 spritz, $1 espresso that is ordered as "cafe normale", a local singing Neapolitan classics, and playing accordion for all to hear from his balcony. The pescheria owner walking across the shop with a live octopus in hand. A place where people are literally airing out their laundry off their balcony for all to see, waving in the wind like the colorful flickering lights you would have experienced in Vegas decades ago - a bygone era.

Broken traffic lights, manic scooters buzzing in and out of traffic down narrow cobblestone alleys and over the sidewalk when the light is red - honking at everyone and everything. I love it. A town of pride and authenticity, and you feel it after a the local futbol team wins when everyone on the subway is singing Neapolitan songs. Everyone knows the lyrics.

See Naples and Die, they say. For me, see Naples and start living.

05/03/2023

Procida

A tiny, tranquil, pastel colored island that splits the Gulf of Naples and the Tyrrenian Sea and a 40 minute and €9 boat ride from from Pozzuoli - another little pastel colored coastal village on the edge of Naples.

One hour into arrival, all I hear is birds and kids laughter. A couple painted puffy white clouds here and there, blue sky and it's barely 70°. We've arrived in yet again, another Italian paradise.

Here for two nights and I got a Vespa.

05/02/2023

I'm influencing in Naples.

📸 👉

04/25/2023

“I feel at home up in the air, just like sailors do at sea and climbers do in the mountains."

When flying, or just traveling in general, I have peace of mind, peace of heart. Arrive early, have a drink at the airport bar, "shoot the s**t" with the rest of the travellers at Gate D while dreamliners take-off and arrive in background set against a dropping desert sun. It's the airport bar where ending and beginning trips converge, a place where you swap wild stories past and new adventures to come.

Favorite travel movies:

1. Up in the Air
2. Catch Me if You Can
3. Dumb & Dumber
4. Lost City of Z
5. Apocalypse Now
6. The 'Before' trilogy
7. Midnight in Paris
8. Out of Africa
9. Into the Wild
10. Euro Trip 😅

04/24/2023

The Big Cheeessee in MEElawn!

January 2023

Flight: Naples to Milan, two people including bags, $52 total, one-way. Ryanair.

Airbnb: $100/ night for a small apartment on the edge of Parco Sempione. Massive park!

Cold. Everyone's business casual. Trains run smoothly and on time. Clean. Slightly more expensive than Naples. Oddly enough, I recommend stopping by the Starbucks.

Photo: Arco della Pace. Triumphant Arch, Corinthian columns, granite, matble, bronze, four victories on horseback, and on the to: the "Sestiga della Pace", a six-horse chariot built at the request of Napoleon.

04/18/2023

Regarding yesterday's afternoon stroll...

1. I didn't know they were bringing a baby, like a real baby baby, can't walk, can't talk - nothing.

2. I will say, that the baby was much more enjoyable than majority of the little brats 4-16 yr olds that I get. Predominantly because this baby didn't make a singgle f*cking noise! It just slept the whole time! My kind of baby! 😅

3. The baby didn't get in the way of our drinking, not one bit so therefore, this baby is welcome back anytime!

4. I love me some Mexicans! Always great people to be around.

5. Tour started off a little ruff. Some coffee was spilt on a camera, inside a bag and dripped all over the floor, right as a cleaning lady walked by. Then they got mimosas! In general, a few drinks cures all!

6. Airbnb hasn't approved my bar crawl yet. New experience applications have been paused.

7. Eight more days and I'll be Italy.

8. Oh, changed my age limit. Tour is now 18+. No little kids. Disneyland is four hours west thank you very much!

04/15/2023

“i fear/ no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)”.

Classic Vegas mural with red, yellow and black colors - colors of our vast and barren desert landscape. You got some playing chips and then a showgirl in a headdress - reminiscent of the bygone vintage Vegas era of the follies and burlesque dancers (to which we're now cured to experience those janky sassy things that slither up and down Vegas Blvd day and night).

For me it says something like, maybe there's no fear in Vegas, there's no written set of events or destiny, just experience this place the way it is. Afterall, you gotta spin to win!
😝🤑🎰

I edited the heck out of this photo. Swipe to see original.

Location: 7th St. & Fremont St.
Muralist: Tristan Eaton (California)
Festival: Life is Beautiful 2015

04/06/2023

1. Snapped this one yesterday from Canaletto. I don't get to see the white and gold gondola in action too much.

2. Tour stop: balcony view overlooking Piazza San Marco.

3. That's what I call "High Art."

Sky ceiling by Karen Kristin from Colorado. 250 gallons of paint sprayed from aerial boom lifts and laser guided.

4. White and gold gondola for weddings.

5. This restaurant: Canaletto. Happy Hour 3-6pm. Half price pizza and Appetizers. $6 beer, $7 wine and $8 cocktails.

6. Live entertainment on the stage.

7. Two tours today. Noon: 1 person. 4pm: 8 people.

8. Vegas is warming up.

9. 20 days until I'm back in Naples with

04/05/2023

Vooollaarreee, oooohhh!
Caanntttaaarreee!!!
Ooohhhoohhhh!
Let's fly, way up to the clouds!!!

Quick little hit &run espresso at
Italian style at the counter before the next tour
💯% Recommend!

is life

04/04/2023

Hmmm 🤔

Almost can't even tell a photographer was there 😅

Although technically Venetian's second tower for the "crème de la crème" of Vegas heathen society, the Venezia is my Strip hide-away: a secluded and quiet escape from the shameless madness that lurks on the other side of those walls.

Bonus: There's actually somewhere to sit that's not a bar or a slot machine! No one is throwing up on you back here... or coming inches to your ear and so close you can almost taste the White Castle coming out of their breadth as they whisper "party-favors, bro!" Nope, not here!

And, to put la crème on la pizza, Bouchon is tucked away in the back, which, as some of you might already know, is high at the top of my list of favorite Vegas restaurants! Number one for French fries in my book.

Anyway, sometimes, if you sneak up here at just the right time (specifically noon), you might be so lucky to observe a wedding photo session in the wild! Or, come in at night because with the gas-lit flames along the corodor, it intensely glows gold - like a palace fit for a five-star... tour guide 😇

Then again, everyone looks good against gold!

04/02/2023

Since we're on the topic of celebrity sightings in Vegas:

1. I never really see them, and I if do, I always think about how annoyed they must get with us commoners reaching out like the dawn of the dead for a snap; however, Buddy V has his face plastered all over sin city so I know deep down in his loins he enjoys (craves) the attention!

2. If you're getting a photo with a celebrity on tour (which has happened a dozen times now), the least you can do is thank me with a cold beer. Today's group had no idea who he was, albeit they're standing in front of a life-size cut-out of the guy with two more giant circular images of his Italian face on the side of his restaurant. In all fairness, they were from Canada (Nigeria), and I got them a photo regardless. "Who is that!?" Me: "It's the f**king Cake Boss! Get in there!"

3. Usually, it's athletes, which I never recognize. Seen a few famous chefs like Thomas Keller. And then, Dave Chappelle a couple of times... first time my group was going out the elevator as he was coming in. He took a selfie with them, and the little brats excitedly rushed to thank their mom for the "best tour ever!"... I felt like a fireman - like when people thank God for saving them as opposed to the fireman that dragged your hopeless ass outta the burning building.

4. But back to the Cake Boss, I've seen him several times at Pizza Cake, and it's always during a noon tour, so 1pm precisely.

5. I feel tall

5.5 He also has no idea he's taking a photo with the best tour-guide in Vegas 😝😝 I didn't get a chance to spit some hot Italian lingo at him.

6. Not a big fan of his cake vending machine or his pizza vending machines, nor the price of his $8 pizza slices (although they are delicious) but his cake at Carlo's Bakery is wonderful and I recommend.

7. Bed time.

03/31/2023

I don't need to tell you everything and I'm not going to tell you everything.

With Vegas, you need to experience this and ask questions because that's how everyone's going to learn from this place.

It's not me being your typical walking "tour guide" and it's not about you being a tourist. It's us being open to this experience.

03/29/2023

Let the count down begin!

27 days and I'm flyin this coop!

See Naples and then die.

See Vegas and then get the f**k out after three days. Unfortunately I'm still here after 4 years, hence my self-loathing.

Photos:

1. Looking East from the small coastal town of Posillipo - a view of the Gulf of Naples and Mt. Vesuvius snow capped in the background. Ancient cities of Herculaneum and Pompeii at the base. A naturally beautiful city regardless of weather.

2. A little lady strolls across Via Partenope in Santa Lucia with Vesuvius lurking in the back.

3. A typical morning scene on the streets of Naple's Centro Storico. I'm pretty sure I was walking to the gym just as it stopped raining. Check out the grocery store to the left.

4. The Vespas can be "cute" until they come flying down a tight stone lined alleyway, honking repeatedly all the while ignoring everything ahead of them and shouting "Ciao Bella" at the girls. No one says "ciao bella to me" 😒

5. Priapus. Cursed to have an impotent giant dick. That's it. They worship him down here. There's a God of p***s of course.

6. Pistachio croissant. F**kin amazing!

7. Banksy art

8. The littlest lady I know. La mia mami di zucchero.

9. Clear blue bird day with a view of Mt. Vesuvius overlooking the Herculaneum Archeological Park. Pompeii is nice but Herculaneum was less crowded and felt more intact (they just have roofs 😅) but no bar. I recommend a glass of wine before entering. And you "can't" touch anything 🙄

10. Mural in Herculaneum. Painted it myself.

03/21/2023

"As your tour guide I advise you to rent a very fast car with no top. And you’ll need some mystery shots. Tape recorder for special music. Acapulco shirts. Get the hell out of your city for at least 48 hours. Naturally I’m going to have to go with you. And we’re going to have to arm ourselves – to the teeth."

Happy upside-down Reese's Peanut Butter Cup day

03/05/2023

You never know who you run into around here. I've for the most part have given up on taking photos and videos of all the odd s**t I see around here on the daily basis. Kinda desensitized at this point and nothing surprises me anymore. You've seen it all.

For instance, maybe once a month I'll see someone dressed as Loyd and Harry from Dumb and Dumber. It's fun. Instead of sneaking a photo behind their back - while on tour, I decided to just randomly ask them for a photo of their suits, they then invited me to be in it. So that was fun!

Things like this, the spontaneity of the place, is what I enjoy most.

02/21/2023

Another one for the books...

02/15/2023

Good people time.

Friends from distant far away wonderlands of snow and maple leafs - where the poutine runs free. Coming to Vegas to revel in all what the city has to offer, good times, spectacular views and in good company glad to have you guys back

And now time to talk up the

Reasons why I come and you should too, specifically the Skybar:

1. F**k this place is quiet! I love it. My kind of place considering I'm in the thick of Vegas debauchery everyday - I need a place to come down where no one's throwing up on you and kids aren't runn8ng wild off their leashes, bumping into you spilling my cherished beer. So quiet, I don't even wanna talk in this place. I don't even wanna talk unless spoken too! It's like the Will Smith movie in here "I Am Legend." Quiet! A zombie could pass by and I'd just be like,"Hey, how you doin!? Enjoying the peace and quiet too huh!?"

2. Great service. Staff is very welcoming and always on point. Always a pleasure to walk through those doors and valet is there to great you.

3. Great spot if you want luxury without the crying kids, I mean crowds. I get a lot of guest on my tours who aren't here for the gaming or partying. They're here for business, conference or to see all the parks and want to be in something nice, central yet peaceful. They're always caught off guard and many have come back to stay or drink because...

4. The Skybar. Can always walkin, usually no reservations or strict dresscode. Bartenders are friendly, personable, they know their stuff. Hostesses too! There's really no rooftop lounges or bars on the Strip. Never understood why but the Skybar is a hidden gem that I love to share with people. Always completes their Vegas trip when I bring them up! Comfortable, tranquil, great service, well priced and a beautiful view of the mountains and Strip.

5. Back to location. Easy to get in and out of (despite the current renovations) but basically right across the street from the airport and not far from the stadiums.

Lastly, I will admit the only thing Waldorf is missing is a restaurant. Love the small bites at the bar, tried most of the sushi, he's amazing.

02/14/2023

Alright everyone, grab a tissue because this next ones gonna be happy tear-jerker.

Met this wild little freak two years ago and dragged her to Mexico for our first real date and even though she's far away in pasta-land and and does all those weird italian hand gestures, she still gives me a b***r. Love being with you and still waiting for you to put a ring on my finger and take me on a ride off into a romantic Mexican sunset. 😘

02/13/2023

Jesus.... in all fairness, Fremont is like a giant block part. Slightly less strollers and crying kids too.

02/11/2023

One of my favorite happy hours on the Strip is at ristorante Canaletto Veneto in the Venetian. 3-6pm for $6 beers, $7 wines and $8 cocktails. I go for the half priced pizzas. Fresh, delicious and in a beautiful setting - a replica of Piazza San Marco from Venice. Fun fact, the original owner Sheldon Adelson built the resort for his wife!

02/03/2023

Flyin by the seat of my pants

06/23/2022

Downtown specialties: $1 BJ and $7 cheese slice and 🍺

06/23/2022

Saw the white gondola causing around the other day 😊

06/19/2022

Nothing to see here, just another day in .

06/18/2022

Always opt for the mountain view! Vehas sunrise at 5am and 74°

06/09/2022

Interesting read on rising hotel rates in Vegas for July 4th weekend. Here are the Cliff Notes:

1. Survey of room rates for 83 properties listed showed an average price of a room on July 4th weekend at $201.92 a night... compared to an average daily room rate of $127.90 a night in July 2021.
2. Most expensive rate came from the two-bedroom Signature Suites at MGM Grand priced at $659 a night.
3. Least expensive hotel room in the survey was $48 a night at the Day's Inn Wild Wild West.
4. Average daily room rates on the Las Vegas Strip in April were $187.72, or 65% higher than the April 2021 rate of $113.77, according to LVCVA. Downtown Las Vegas ADR in April was much lower at $105.51 or 22.6% higher than $86.03 reported in April 2021
https://www.thestreet.com/investing/las-vegas-strip-good-news-and-bad-news

A Las Vegas Strip survey has bad news for future visitors.

06/01/2022

111 Reviews, 100% 5 Stars on Viator. Blessed by the tour Gods and grateful!🙏😭

05/19/2022

A quiet afternoon yesterday at Lake Las Vegas. If you want off-the-beaten-path... definitely this place which also comes with a replica of the Ponte Vecchio Bridge (built 1345) from Florence but here it serves as a hotel. It's was once a Ritz-Carlton which jumped ship several years ago because... Henderson just isn't Las Vegas. Anyway, beautiful spot, recommend Mimi & Coco Bistro. Owners are from Italy!

05/17/2022

This weekend, did a little lunch getaway from the Strip up to Lee Canyon. Nice open road scenic drive through the desert.

Open weekends and only 45 minutes from Vegas. Can grab a beer (IPA & Blueberry Sour) and ride the chairlift for $10/ person. Chairlift is a 25 minute roundtrip ride. Still some snow up here and 20° cooler than in Vegas valley. There's a cafe, restaurant, bar, outdoor seating, axe throwing, cornholl and chairlift ride. Usually can spot a wild horse or two on the way up.