10/24/2024
We know that the tricky dynamics many childhood trauma survivors experienced as children can carry over into how they approach the world today. And, for most, it's happening outside of their awareness. Sadly, far too many survivors fall into a pit of believing that they're a failure, give up too fast, or don't try hard enough; that they're lazy, unwilling to work hard, or always backing out at the first sign of trouble. ...painfully deciding that it's because they're weak, have some profound character flaw, or are just a bad person. But. These ideas ARE JUST NOT TRUE.
This train of thought is a learned behavior, though; it makes sense that it exists. And not just psychologically, but neurologically. Your mind became wired this way in its relentless fight to get your needs met, to achieve safety, and/or just to be seen. It observed the ways that not only did trying yield zero results but sometimes it endangered you more. It learned that it can be a self-preserving act to NOT try - to stay quiet, to give up.
Today, it may bring tremendous relief or even a sense of SAFETY to abandon a challenge, because you didn't have that option as a child. Even if you stopped pleading, begging, or crying then, you sitll couldn't make the "obstacle" (the trauma) go away. But, you CAN make many of your "challenges" as an adult go away - and, in doing so, feel as though you found sanctuary from a THREAT, versus merely avoiding something difficult.
Some of these tasks may even be "simple" things, such as making a phone call, paying your bills, keeping a job, confronting problems in a relationship, returning messages, going after your dreams or passions, turning in an assignment, showering, or showing vulnerability somewhere in your life. Most of these are not threats to your safety in any way - in fact, some help ensure it. But if they FEEL that way - perhaps because they're unpredictable, risk failure or rejection, require you to be anxious for a bit, or require prolonged effort over an undetermined amount of time - working so hard for it can feel just as futile as meeting your needs as a child did. Backing out and removing the obstacle altogether may instead fill you with a 'corrective' relief in escaping a danger you couldn't before.
These misguided beliefs CAN be corrected, though. You don't have to remain at the mercy of your learned trauma responses. You can even start by just recognizing that you don't feel or behave this way because you are lazy, weak, stupid, or a failure. It's not because you have no drive, "won't amount to anything", are broken, or any other lie someone has told you—including yourself. This dynamic is a product of your trauma. You can release that shame.
You spent your entire childhood fighting - pleading - for your most basic of needs, but learned it got you nothing. Adult You just wants to not have to fight so hard for once, and it's scared of what happens if you try. We understand and empathize so deeply. But, you've got this.
These are battles you CAN win.
For once, you aren't immediately set up to fail.
You have power now.
A voice.
A say.
Some control.
Your efforts aren't wasted.
You CAN do this.
And will feel more competent, safe, and empowered in doing so than you ever have before.
Go get 'em :)
💚💛💚
