03/25/2023
Contrary to popular Floridian belief, Michelangelo’s David is rad. And universally known as one of the greatest achievements of the Renaissance. (Or Renaissauce, as Philomina Cunk would say.)
This is a long post but I’m mad and I love David so you should read it.
Michelangelo won the commission to sculpt that m**o after wandering past the ruined marble sitting in the Piazza del Duomo for years. Others had tried and failed because of some deep imperfections in the marble. Finally Florence was like “OMG WE HAVE GOT TO GET RID OF THIS MARBLE,” so Michelangelo, who’d already made people go, “OMFG” about his Pieta in the Vatican, was given the commission.
Jabronie worked on Dave (or Il Gigante as he called him. BECAUSE OF HIS HEIGHT get your mind out of the gutter, people) for three years straight. His brothers had to come in and make sure he ate and drank because he was so focused, he probably would have dropped dead working on it if left to his own devices. When he was done, and he finally TOOK OFF HIS SHOES for the first time in three years ( 🤮 ), he took off layers of skin with it. Good morning!
It was intended to go way up on either the façade of the Duomo or on Giotto’s Belltower (hence the proportions of his big-ass hands), but when he was done everyone went, “DUDE.” So they formed a committee to figure out where to put him that was more visible than way up high on a building somewhere.
Hilariously, Leonardo da Vinci, who haaaaaaated Michelangelo (the feeling was more than mutual) suggested cramming in him a little corner of the Loggia dei Lanzi with a little pastoral scene painted around him. EYEROLL INTO SPACE. Luckily the entire committee fell silent, stared at him for an uncomfortably long time, then continued talking as if he hadn’t said anything. (That’s how it went down in my head, anyway, and I’m never wrong.)
They finally zeroed in on two locations: in the courtyard of the Palazzo Vecchio, or just outside it. Everyone wanted it outside, but ya boy Michelangelo was like, “dudes, no. Weather is a thing. Plus this damned piazza is like, a hotbed for riots and stuff, PLUS people are people (so why should it be—Michelangelo was a founding member of Depeche Mode and don’t you forget it) and will throw s**t at him and please put him inside.” The committee said, “HAHAHAH YOU’RE ADORABLE!!” So they ignored him and put him outside.
He stood there for a while being AWESOME until Michelangelo WHO IS ALWAYS RIGHT became even righter with his prediction. During a riot, someone threw some furniture out of the Palazzo Vecchio, it knocked off Dave’s hand, and he was finally moved back up the street to the Accademia dell’Arte, where he chills today. Today, there’s a pretty good pigeon-feces-encrusted copy where the original stood.
There was a story once of a man who took his son to Florence and without saying which was the original, took him to see first the copy, then took him in to see the og. Standing in front of David in the Accademia, the man said to his son, “ok now, which one is the original?” Without hesitation, the boy pointed to David in front of him in the Accademia. The man said, “and why do you think this is the original?” The boy replied, “because this one’s breathing.”
Show your kid David. Please.
(Photo: the King of Standing Awkwardly In Front of Things, my husband Steve, standing awkwardly in front of David in a nearly-empty Accademia.)
